lovely

2009-04-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends!!!!

So sorry, but for a while I wasn't able to log on here! I have created a new blog, and I would love for anyone to stop by, comment, catch up! You can find me at:

http://elevenbirdies.blogspot.com

I have missed you!

Thanks!!!

Kali

Serenity

2009-01-15T16:06:00.000-08:00

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I love this prayer. I know we have all seen some cheesey wall hanging with aforementioned prayer. But for "super worriers", for "why askers", for those in the valleys or the bottom of the mountain, this prayer can bring some peace. I wrestle with acceptance every day. We all have those things we can not change. Those un-changeables wake up next to us in bed. They cut you off in traffic. They treat us like they hate us. Those un-changeables keep coming in the mail. They haunt us. In the bath tub, or in the garden, thoughts of the un-changeables can bring you to tears. Sometimes those un-changeables make us feel badly about ourselves, or our lives. At worst, they cause us to get angry at God. We can ask God "why me?" all day long. We can worry until our stomachs hurt. We can cry in the tub until our eyeballs ache. We can get as angry as we want to. It doesn't change the un-changeables. It does no good. It is energy wasted. Energy that could be spent changing the things we can.

Lately, I have had to stop the belly aching and ask myself, "What can I change?" I have had to change the thoughts in my head. I have had to change my reactions and responses. I have had to change my routine. I have had to change what I read before bed...put the shelter magazines down and open my Bible. I have to do whatever I can. Sometimes when I think of him and start to worry myself sick, I have to ask God to take the thoughts- because I can't change this. When I think of those moments that I may never have again and my eyes well up with tears, I have to start telling God what I am thankful for. When the fear of what will be feels all-consuming, I have to remind myself that I was not created to have a spirit of fear. When I feel tempted to make those same stupid choices that always ended in painful situations, I have to remind myself that just because it isn't familiar doesn't mean that it won't be amazing. Its the "wisdom to know the difference part" that can be most tricky. I like to think I have way more control than I actually do. If there is anything that I should have learned from 2008, it should be just how much control I don't have! The serenity prayer does in fact bring serenity- and serenity can be so hard to achieve. It just takes some time and willingness.

Yesterday I asked my good friend Emily how I should get my hair done. I didn't ask just to get her opinion, I really wanted someone to tell me how to get it done. I caught myself, and told her this was an opportunity for me to decide something for myself. I am indecisive. Ridiculously indecisive. I can change that. I can start with a hair cut.

I guess what I am after here, is that it is okay to look at the world around us and see all the changes we want to take place. But what I have found most liberating, is looking inward and asking, "What can I change about myself?" At first it feels like compromising...why should I have to change? Eventually, it feels like the best thing to do. The only real change that can be created. And you know what? It is okay to change what you allow in your life. It is okay to change something that has helped you achieve ultimate "people pleaser" status. It is okay to change your partner. It is okay to change patterns and routines. It is okay to change your trusty shade of lipstick. It is okay to change your wardrobe. It is okay to change your diet. It is okay to change your thoughts. And most of all, it is okay to just say, "I can't change this," and ask God for help.

Serenity. I pray serenity for your life. Peace and serenity.

a year of beautification!

2009-01-05T17:46:00.000-08:00

school starts up again on january 20th. and i went a did something absolutely nuts. i always wondered if i might be crazy. the closer the spring semester gets, the more i am sure of it! i signed up for a class to train for a 10k run. i know!!! what in the world was i thinking? among those loose screws, i was hoping to find a way to force myself to change my lifestyle. i do chase a super fast crawler. i re-arrange furniture. i haul laundry all over the house. i scrub toilets. but other than that, i live a pretty sedentary lifestyle. i used to run in high school (didn't we all?) and i really enjoyed it. i am hoping with my new healthy lifestyle, there might come a new healthy figure- but that's not my top priority. i need to make time to exercise! i have made a serious effort to be mindful of my eating- what, how much, how often, and why...and so far this year i have lost 3 pounds! (only about 27 more to go! lol) also, i signed up for a "weightlifting for women" class. i am excited about both of my classes! i will have to track my weight loss on a side bar or something...maybe even pictures. accountability is a good thing!

what does all of this mean? this means i have 15 days to tackle home projects!!! today i hung a chandelier in my dining room. i have soooo much more to do. for my birthday my good friend Emily gave me one of these:

these little notebooks are comprised of lined paper and also recycled vintage papers. the front cover of mine has a vintage ad for dishes! i am going in every room of my home and making my infamous lists in my new handy dandy notebook! (you can check out her store blog here.)

my sweet mamma bought me the kitchen aid mixer for Christmas!!! woohoo! i love love love it and have wanted one for a long time. my friend krysta and i used to joke that you had to get married to get one of those, and that if neither of us were married in five years we would purchase one for each other...turns out you don't have to get married.

so for me, 2009 is going to be "a year of beautification"- of my home and myself. i'm not talking get back into those skinny jeans beauty, i'm talking that deep, everlasting beauty that comes from the inside out. that kind God talks about in His word. as for my home, there are so many long overdue projects. its time to practice some self discipline and get things done around here!!!

so much hope for 2009...

a new year around the corner!

2008-12-30T22:48:00.000-08:00

My Dear Friends and Family,
First and foremost, I want to thank you all for your support throughout this last year. I absolutely mean it when I say I couldn't have made it without you. This has been a tough year, but I like to think of it as a "refining" process. I started this blog on January first, so my blog birthday is coming up! Where does the time go? It just flies right on by...
Times are hard everywhere, yet people are stronger than ever. I think these hard times can bring out the best in us, if we allow. I know God brings all things together for good. He promised, after all. I read somewhere lately, I think in one of Brooklyn's books, that the same God who fashioned the stars chose me, created me, loves me. I must have heard this a hundred times. But as I sat for the fourth hour in the backseat, holding my Brooklyn curled up asleep in my lap, I leaned my head on the window. I dared to look up at the brightest stars and remind myself that the same God that created the stars, created me. I smiled.
He created you, too. Pretty cool, if you ask me.
On January 1, 2009, you will notice some changes to my blog. I will omit some things, change some things, and go in a new direction. I'm thinking a more fun, light hearted, joyful, bright and balanced direction...for myself and for my blog. It is time for a new year. There is so much to look forward to! I know that 2009 is going to be far greater than I could have ever imagined it to be!
Thank you all, once again, for all your support, encouragement, advice, and love. I am so lucky to have you all in my life. I thank God for you. I thank God for fresh starts, new beginnings, clean slates, mercy and grace everlasting. I even thank Him for the refining process.

I will see you back here, next year!

Love Always,
kali

maybe its the fumes from cleaning products...

2008-12-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

I should be in bed, but I stayed up late to watch sex in the city. I love all things New York City. I also love sisterhood. Some women have best friends, friends they have known since fourth grade, and I envy that. Honestly, I stink at intimate relationships with women. That's something I have been praying about.

My hands hurt from cleaning all day. I still have more to do. But it feels good to get some things accomplished, and to see things come together. I will be at it again tomorrow!

One of my all time favorite books is Captivating by John and Stacie (Stasi?) Eldridge. Anyway, it talks about the desires at the core of every woman, and one of those is to play a role in a grand adventure. Lately I have been wanting adventure, but the fun kind. I'm thinking I need to take a vacation! I used to go on one every year with my mom, she would let me tag along on her business trips. My all time favorite Christmas gift was a trip with my mom. No business, all fun. She took me to NYC and all we had to do was be together! It was amazing. I wouldn't have wanted to experience the city with anyone else. The Christmas displays were magical, all the store windows were works of art. It was cold, but not too cold, and we walked all over the place. It felt like we stuck out like a sore thumb, country girls in the big city. But you know, I think I could be a big city girl too. Maybe I'm a little of both- depending on the day.

That is what can be hard, having a baby while still so young. There are parts of yourself you have to learn about, things to discover, and having a baby doesn't speed that up. Instead, you are raising a little one and simultaneously figuring out who you are. I have moments when I wonder what it would be like to just take off and go...travel, experience, see and do. I think all mothers, no matter the age, wonder of that from time to time. I like being reminded that there is a whole big world out there, just waiting to be discovered. And even if it is just once a year with my mom, I get the chance to travel, experience, see and do.

So here's to future getaways, adventures, and sisterhood- all of which I can't wait to experience!

decking the halls!!!!

2008-12-21T09:15:00.000-08:00

Christmas is fast approaching, and I do not have all my gifts purchased, and none of them wrapped! I know, its horrible!!!

Yesterday, my friend Brin posted about this quick, easy, inexpensive gift idea:

Brilliant! A no-knit scarf! I think its beautiful. If you go to Brin's blog (my absolute favorite blog in the whole wide world :o) you will find a link to Martha's instructions on how to make this pretty! Yesterday I made a trip to a locally owned yarn store Twist, bought a pretty bundle of dark grey yarn. I made two of these scarves while watching 48 hours mystery, so they really are a quick and easy project!

Folks, if you have a Hobby Lobby nearby- GO! I went to mine yesterday and everything that wasn't craft related (decor, mirrors, Christmas decorations, ornaments, frames, etc) was 50% off!!! I have been wanting some neutral stockings for my mantle, but I hadn't really find any at a good price. I found four stockings at half of, only $4.50 a piece! They had these big flashy sequins on them, so those had to come off. I tried to take a picture with my phone, very poor quality so I apologize, but you can see the before and after:

The one on the left still has its big gold sequins, I much prefer the simple quilted stocking on the right! I will have to take a picture of my mantle...

I am staying in all day. I have been cleaning and re-arranging and throwing out and Christmasing. I even ordered a pizza, not even for food will I leave this warm home on this bitter cold day. Charlie doesn't seem to mind. We'll be dancing to some Christmas music while I hurry about feathering this nest- a cup of peppermint mocha flavored coffee to drink. Tomorrow I will have to brave the cold and the procrastinators while I round up the last of my gifts. But today, today is for staying warm and enjoying home.

I hope you all are staying warm, and enjoying home.

tis better to give then to receive!!!

2008-12-19T19:57:00.000-08:00

If santa still delivered presents to us big kids, these are the things I would ask him for! Its funny how, when someone asks what you want or need for Christmas you can never think of anything, but you sit down at the computer to do a little shopping and all kinds of things come to mind...

Here are a few items on my ever growing wish list. :o) Its just fun to imagine! (My mom is usually the only one who buys me anything for Christmas, and she really shouldn't- she does so much for me throughout the year.)

the complete series of gilmore girls! a great show for single mothers everywhere! several books, here are a few on my wish list:

i have wanted one of these bikes for a long time, can't decide if i want to go vintage or new...but it has to have a bell, white walls (or pink :o), high handle bars...

and of course, one of these on the front:
i recently smelled this perfume, of course they were out. but i loved it and i think santa might leave it in my stocking.

and then there is always one of my true loves, ANTHROPOLOGIE! the closest one is in kc, so i rarely get to go... and honestly the prices are way to high for me, but for the sake of dreaming...

i love love love this blue green dress!!
i have wanted a kitchen aid mixer for years! maybe i will pull a carrie, and register for "i'm single and not getting married!" gifts...(this one has the perfect amount of pink, and a portion of the proceeds go to breast cancer research)

and I will be needing some of these, because i'm going to take a weight lifting class, and maybe a cardio class, from my college in the spring. it is time my friends. it is time to start taking care of myself, and feeling healthy again!

it is fun to dream!

to everything there is a season...

2008-12-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry its been so long! Life has been a little crazy. Always crazy...

I have been blogging for nearly a year now, and with the end of 2008 drawing near, I have come to a realization. 2008 has been the hardest year of my life. My mom actually pointed it out, while also pointing out my strength during this time.

1. February 1st: I lost my job of seven years just three weeks before Charlie was born. No severance pay. Just a department elimination. Unfortunately, Kansas unemployment doesn't exactly offer maternity leave. :o)

2. I had to come to terms with the reality that I was not in a healthy relationship. This is still an ongoing process, which has peppered the year with struggle and pain that was never really necessary.

3. I began very intensive therapy which was...very hard. Good therapy will never be easy. If it is, it isn't working. :o)

4. I made the choice to go back to school, which would turn out to be probably the worst possible time. :o)

5. I had to do the very grown up thing of having an adult conversation with my dad...about how I knew he wasn't my biological father. To date, the hardest conversation I have ever had. Lots of feelings attached to that truth, but for the first time ever in my life, my dad and I began an honest relationship.

6. I forced myself to accept that my father was dying. (my biological one) For the first time, I experienced true forgiveness. I forgave as I think God asks us to, but I drug my feet the whole way. During his final days, I held his hand, I read scripture to him, I even sang. I shed tears of a daughter losing her father. As he had stomach cancer and was unable to eat, he essentially had to starve to death. This is a very painful process, which can take weeks- especially when the rest of the body is so healthy. For the first time, I begged for heaven. Something about heaven made sense in my mind. He finally got to go this last October. May he rest in peace...

7. I trudged through the semester. Is that a word- trudged? I can't be sure. I finished strong!

8. In all my years being on my own, financially this has been by far the most difficult.

9. Most recently, Austin is undergoing inpatient treatment for addiction to opiates. I did not know what was going on, although now so many things make sense.

10. I have discovered my own burning desire to create the life I want, for myself and my daughters. I have discovered that I really want to parent with intention. I have adopted an "addition-subtraction" policy. (If you add to our lives, you are welcome. If you take away, then you just can't be a part of our picture.) I have started to finish things. I have discovered that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I have discovered that I am passionate about helping people- for the longest time I couldn't figure out what I was passionate about, if anything. I have watched as my firstborn learned to write her name all by herself. I have felt empty, and yet found more to give. I have found contentment in being a single mother. I have come face to face with my faults and shortcomings, and I am learning to accept and change what I can. Most importantly, I have been forced to run to God- let go, surrender, trust, believe, grow, and love. He and I have something special.

For the first time, I have started to believe that there really are no limitations. (thanks, dad :o)

My world is growing. My dreams and passions are growing. My daughters are growing. My faith is growing. My relationship with God is growing. Gone are the stagnant days of pain and struggle. This is a time for growth. I can't be sure how I arrived here, or that I could have without all the difficulty this year has held. But I praise God for the pain and struggle. Strangely enough, it was like the fast-track to getting to where I needed to be so that I could start changing the world. So that I could begin to live. So that I could start to become the woman that God had in mind, before I was even conceived. So that I could raise two daughters who will change the world. And they will.

2009 is going to be beautifully remarkable!

We three are wishing you all a very lovely, blessed holiday season. Thank you for being a friend, for helping me through a very tough year. Thank you for all the prayers, encouragement and support. I couldn't have arrived here without you.

with love,

Kali

2008-12-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

my kid is eating part of a coupon. my first "real boyfriend" who was not really a real boyfriend texted me out of the blue. the only room i have decorated for Christmas is Brooklyn's, and I am supposed to go to class tonight, but the thought of the possibility of staying home, by myself, is very appealing. it has been a strange day, or week for that matter.

yesterday, at a most unusual place and time, a wide eyed man named Kenny walked up to me and said, "I know what you're like."

having never met nor seen this man before, I was wondering what the correct response would be. apparently, he knew me, or of me, or must have heard about me. "Do you?" I replied...

"Yep. You focus on everyone else but not yourself. You worry about everyone but not about you."

strangely accurate.

like I said, it has been a strange week.

one of the worst people of my childhood (who i believe is not allowed in the state of Kansas) mysteriously called my mom's work phone to find out how to leave me his 401k. it has been years and years. i like to pretend he is dead. so you can imagine how it felt to hear about this phone call. how did he get her number? its eery. he can take his 401k and...

i have been considering relocating. both my blog and the state in which i live.

its definitely been a strange week.

2008-11-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

(ROMANS 8:37-39)

It is nearly a miracle, but I finished a book!!! It has been a long time since I have finished a book. It would be safe to say, I used to have some trouble finishing things. Lately though, I have been. (I highly recommend the book Nurture by Lisa Bevere.) I am nearly finished with the semester! Woohoo!!!! It feels so good to be moving towards something. Speaking of moving- if there were baby crawling races, I would bet large sums of money on my Charlie Girl! This girl is so super fast, you can't take your eyes off her for even a moment. She can't be contained, she is so determined. On Thanksgiving day she started saying "thank you" and it is so cute! It more sounds like "dank ew". I am planning to take the girls downtown to take some unique photos, I will be sure to share them. I have so many house pics to share too. Oh, and the thrifting finds...I'm going to have a huge post in store.

Wishing you all a lovely day...

we three girlies

Thanksgiving Recipe...for disaster!!!!

2008-11-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

Its the Holiday season. I love this time of year. I'm wishing it would slow down some. One of our local radio stations was playing Christmas music, all the time, in the second week of November. I love love love Christmas music. But I really liked the anticipation of the day after Thanksgiving, when it normally began. Unfortunately, as hard as I am trying, I'm not feeling all that excited about Thanksgiving. What is wrong with me? Of course, I do have a unique family situation which affords me FOUR different Thanksgiving dinners to choose from. Call me silly, but I like Thanksgiving in the movies. Everything is better in the movies. But you know how movies about Thanksgiving or Christmas with big jumbled up-but-loving families always leave you with this warm feeling...that is what I wished our family celebrations were like. I have always yearned for that sense of family. I think it was my junior year of high school, I didn't live at home. But for one day, which wasn't actually Thanksgiving, I went home. I baked my very first turkey, made my first mashed potatoes, and I can't remember what else...maybe green beans. My mom had to help me some. My mom always worked really hard, and she had to drive an hour each way to work. She usually wouldn't get home until around 6:30 (or later if there was a meeting) and no sooner then she kicked her heels off she was in the kitchen making dinner. Her dinners were always so good, but she didn't teach me a darn thing about cooking! (I read other blogs of mothers or grandmothers cooking with their girlies, and I wish I could tell those girlies how very lucky they are, and to cherish that time.) I don't know where or when I decided I wanted to start cooking, but I began with that Thanksgiving. My turkey was dry, it looked terrible! I have a picture some where...
I tried again for Brooklyn's first Thanksgiving. It was a DISASTER! So many things went wrong that day. It was a small gathering of 8 plus a few kiddos. I, for some strange reason, didn't know that you had to take a 12 pound turkey out of the freezer days in advance for it to thaw out. There was no way I was getting that bird thawed out and cooked in time! I called my dad in a panic, he said I could bake a big turkey breast. (he was already smoking a ham, thank goodness!) I tried to make this homemade stuffing from Real Simple magazine, and folks, nothing about it was real simple!!!! It was a mushy mess. The mashed potatoes were good, (seriously, how can one mess those up?) but there was no gravy. (I was planning on making giblet gravy from my turkey.) I made a chocolate pecan pie, it was yummy. The worst part, oh my goodness, I didn't have enough silverware for everyone!!! It was soooooo embarrassing! I waited to eat, and when some people finished I would wash their silverware for someone else to use. I didn't have enough cups either. Somehow, I didn't even think of that. The house looked pretty, it was great company and great pie. But the rest was a disaster that we all laugh about now. Needless to say, my grandma bought me a nice set of silverware for the following Christmas! And the next year's dinner was so much better, I pretty much redeemed myself. But I will never ever forget my first Thanksgiving dinner cooking for family.

For any of you girls flew the coop way to early, or had mothers who hated to cook, or just never took the time to learn, here are a few pointers should you be interested in making a Thanksgiving dinner:

1. The turkey MUST be taken out of the freezer DAYS in advance. The number of days depends on the weight of the turkey. There should be directions on the packaging, but worst case scenario- google it.

2. Just because a recipe comes from Real Simple magazine, it doesn't mean it is going to be real simple...and the pre-packaged stuffing is pretty darn good. Anytime you are making stuffing from scratch the first time, buy a box/package of stuffing too. It is cheap, and you might need it!

3. ALWAYS consider the NUMBER OF GUESTS who will be attending. Make sure you have enough flatware/silverware for them to eat with, and enough glasses/cups for them to drink from. Its incredibly embarrassing if you don't.

4. Don't be so wrapped up in the kitchen that you don't enjoy the holiday. Ask people to bring things...side dishes, pies, rolls, etc...it alleviates a lot of stress and I think the best family meals are the ones where everyone contributes!

5. Should you have a disastrous attempt (or a few) at making a holiday dinner, it will be okay. You may be humbled for the moment, but it will be something that you look back on fondly. I promise.

I have come a long way since my junior year of high school. I am definitely a way better cook. Brooklyn says, "Mom, yorda best cooker in the whole wide world!" This Thanksgiving, we may just stay home, get out the Christmas decorations/trees, and make a big pot of vegetable beef stew. While its bubbling, we might make a gratitude banner, praising God for all the beautiful blessings we have. Or maybe we will drive all over to make appearances at as many of the Thanksgiving dinners that we can. We'll see. No matter what the day holds, I will have so much to be thankful for. And there will be Christmas music, for sure!

We wish you a very happy, joy-is-a-full-tummy, warm, family filled Thanksgiving! May your turkey be thawed in time, your silverware be bountiful, your home full of laughter, your hearts full of gratitude!

I know I am thankful for you.

24

2008-11-13T13:39:00.000-08:00

My birthday is in a few days, and I am a little excited! Okay, maybe a lot excited. I am not really sure why. Birthdays for me are like the "new year" for everyone else. I look back on the year, and forward to the next one, and I feel so excited for what could be!

I feel God all around me. Its funny, because a new devotional I started talked about the burning bush. And in the prayer prompt it said to ask God to reveal himself to you in all new ways, in ways He never has before. I felt almost selfish, as I have been asking God for so much these days. But then it occurred to me, what if He is just waiting for me to want to experience Him in ways He has yet to show me? What if He is just waiting to give me one hundred more ways to fall in love with Him? So I asked, and I feel Him. Its remarkable how content and complete I feel. It is so nice to be in the place where you feel like nothing is missing. I wish I could explain it better, because I know so many people don't understand. But when you love God, and try to live for God (try being the imperative word there :o) He is just always there. Every minute, every second, every situation and every circumstance, He is there. When you start noticing Him, when you start feeling Him all around you, when you start experiencing what its like to have a relationship with the Lord...well, its far better than you can ever imagine. Just fyi.

(side note: although I am very open about my faith, I feel like our faith belongs to us. Everyone has a right to their own, and it is a very personal and intimate part of our lives. I have never really felt compelled to...um...witness, per se. My life is certainly not the pretty Christian walk that I was told I should follow. So I can't even say that I lead by example. All I can be sure of is that God saves me every single day. He is something that I can always count on, absolutely, no matter what. He fills a place inside of me that can not be filled in any other way. From time to time, it just bubbles over. Like in this post. Its bubbling. I wish Christianity could shed its stereotypes, that it wasn't synonymous with Religion. I wish the Bible wasn't used to hurt people or to build walls or manipulate hearts. I wish there was a way to share without worrying that I am offending anyone. If there was a way to cure cancer and I knew it, I would tell the world. So if God has saved me, and He is the reason I am even still alive- its safe to say I will always be glad to share with anyone who will listen. There is only one stipulation- leave all your stereotypes and preconceived notions at the door. Because nothing about me, or my life, or my God, fits into any box. I'm just saying...so apparently this is a rather long side note. But That's all folks!!!)

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!!!

the next five years...

2008-11-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

My daughter is five years old. People don't understand my sadness. I am happy too. I am most excited about making the next five years even more amazing than the last five! I am writing her a letter for her to open on her fifteenth birthday. I don't like thinking about fifteen.
Life has been hard lately. So instead of a post of sadness and fears, I am going to claim some things for my life. Right here. Right now.
God has given me a gift. He has given me this eye for seeing the world. When I see something, I am bombarded with details and lines and fragments and collections and colors. When I see faces I see distinguishing characteristics. I'll forget your name tomorrow but I will never forget a face. Oh, and hands. I love hands. I love smiles and eyes and cheek bones and jaw bones. I love the curves of a woman and the rigid lines of a mans shoulders. I love irregularities and uniqueness. I think all types of woman are beautiful, even sexy. I can't think of many things more beautiful than a pregnant woman with stretch marks or a man holding his newborn baby. And children...by far my favorite form of art. Before your very eyes they are growing. Everything about them is genuine. When I see people, I see artwork. Fine artwork. God's artwork. With or without a camera, I am constantly taking pictures. I am memorizing frames of what I see. There are so many incredible images I want to capture. They are all around me. The thought of using my gift to give others a picture of all the beauty I see when I see them, that thrills me. God has given me a gift indeed, and I think He wants me to bless people with it. "It is time," I hear him say..."It is time to start moving."
Now there are certainly many things I have to get in order before I dive head first into this dream of mine. You know, all of those ducks to get into a row. But I'm getting closer. And I believe. God won't let this go away. Please allow me to dream for a moment, and dream big. It refreshes me during a time when everything seems impossible.
I am going to become a photographer. The real deal. I am going to make money doing what I love, what I am passionate about. Not only will I do this, but I will be good at it. I will translate through photography the way God has created me to see beauty all around me. My photos will be unique, lovely, breathtaking, beautiful translations. I will take chances. I will try hard. I will never stop believing. Someday I will be successful.
When I am, I am going to buy a home in the country. It will be in some small town. I am going to buy Brooklyn a horse. I am going to grow her some corn. I am going to have a big beautiful garden and a home where everyone feels welcome and anyone can escape to. I am going to have a big porch and lots of trees. I am going to invite friends and family and neighbors over to dance under the stars and laugh til it hurts. And I am going to give back. Should I ever have a little money to my name, I will never lose sight of where I came from. I will never be so foolish to believe that it could all go away in an instant, or that it was ever my money in the first place. And some day, I will help a struggling young mother. I promise. I make this promise to my daughters. And when I am in that position, I will point to God. I will tell the story of my mother, and my grandmother, and how it was because of them that I made it through. Then I will make some pie and coffee and we will talk about her dreams. I will believe in her. I will never stop believing in her.
And maybe someday I will sit on the porch with him. He and I will look out at the beautiful trees, and then at the home we worked so hard on. We won't really need to say much. We will just sit and sip and smile. We will live completely in that moment. Then I will follow him up the beautiful old staircase to our room. We will crawl into our bed. I will thank the Lord for my husband. I will look at him and know what it feels like to be loved and admired, the way God intended for me all along. My heart will overflow with this feeling of what it must feel like to be wrapped up in the arms of the man God picked for me, the man who has promised his life to me, the man who protects my heart and the hearts of my daughters. For the first time in my life, I will know what it feels like to trust a man, to be loved by a man as God's word commands him to. I will know what it feels like to make love to my husband. And I will look back at this time in my life, and think, "Oh Darlin, if you only knew..."
So I am going to become a successful photographer. (By successful I mean one that can pay the bills and save a little, and still afford to thrift shop/garage sale/flea market. lol :o) I am going to buy a home for myself and my daughters. I am going to be married someday, years from now. I am going to help others and bless others and change lives. I am going to walk closely with the Lord forever and ever. That is what I dream of. I am going to give my daughter her letter when she is fifteen, and she is going to be a happy, healthy, Christian girl. She won't be living on her own, caught up with some boy, struggling through trying to decide what it means to be loved or to love herself. She is going to be beautiful. She is going to be forced to spend Sundays with me. She is going to think I am overbearing and too strict from time to time. She will be learning to drive. She will know how to bake pies and play an instrument. She will have her own camera. She will have her horse. Maybe she will play sports, or dance and sing. She won't have a boyfriend...since she will have another year to wait for dating...in groups. She will be figuring a lot of things out. But all the while, she will know that she is loved and adored and cherished by her mother. She will know I am absolutely proud of her, every single minute, no matter what. She will know that she is worthy because she is a daughter of the King. And that no matter where she finds herself, He will always be there to rescue her, to protect her, to save her, to love her. These are my dreams. I believe in them. I am asking God for them. Ask, and you shall receive, right?
I'm excited for what is in store. I am excited to wake my baby girl up with one big happy birthday. I love birthdays.
I think I might go sneak one of the cookies I made for her class treats tomorrow...shhhh...

a monkey and a cow in my bed

2008-10-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen such a cute cow before? There is even a cute little cow tail in the back! And boy howdy, she knew she was cute too! Oh, and then there was the monkey. You should have seen the monkey. You might have recognized her from this post. I have always loved Halloween. But anymore, Halloween has become bittersweet. Halloween means Brookie's birthday is right around the corner. My baby isn't so much a baby. There is just something about turning five. She is officially no longer a baby, and I can't even cling to "toddler" anymore. She will be starting Kindergarten next year. She is so stinkin smart and we have real conversations. Great conversations. Today she helped me pick out a dress for Gregg's funeral, even buttoned the back of one for me. She walked up sidewalks to scary houses and didn't even need me to go with her. After I told her for like the sixth time to make sure she said thank you, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "Mom, you can stop saying that. You don't have to tell me every time." Oh. Okay. You can walk up sidewalks to scary porches while I look on. You can say "trick-or-treat" all by yourself, and remember your manners all by yourself. You can carry your bucket and tell others "Happy Halloween!" with such sincere enthusiasm. You can tell perfect strangers how cute their little baby lady bug is. You.are.a.big.girl...
My heart was a little sad this Halloween. My family hurts right now. My father passed away this week. I was excited to take the girls trick-or-treating. (Despite the fact that I had forgotten my sneakers to change into, and Charlie's stroller. So I had to walk in heels/barefoot, carrying my roly poly cow, for like...a mile. :)
I was wishing that I had someone to experience this with. I was wishing that I had someone to get excited with me, to help me, to look on at what a big girl my Brooklyn has become. But only for a moment, and then Brooklyn slipped her little hand in mine and said, "Mama, I wanna go home." We got home and Brooklyn dumped all her candy in our family candy bowl. Then she asked if I wanted some. I'm telling you, I have the most amazing daughters. I told Brooklyn to brush her teeth and get ready for bed. She said, "I wanna sleep with you, mom. I just wanna snuggle you."
Of course she can sleep with me. Because although she is almost five, she still wants her mama at the end of the day. She's not that big. Well, not yet. I am trying to savor every moment. My first five years of motherhood have taught me so much. I have never been more in love. Brooklyn is so beautiful, so sweet hearted, so loving and kind and happy. Someone today said, "Brooklyn, you are just so happy every time I see you! Are you always this happy?" Yep. That's her. She brings joy to everyone she meets. She is the best big sister, and she helps me take care of Charlotte every single day. God knows I am so proud of her. And today, when she helped me button the back of my dress, I had this moment of realization. Brooklyn is my best friend. What the three of us have is something very very special. My daughters are the ultimate God Gifts. It just doesn't get much better then this.
Tomorrow is the funeral. I'm gearing up for what I know will be a very emotional day. And while endings are always sad, I'm so glad that he isn't in pain anymore, and I intend to celebrate him. Beauty from ashes, faith from fear, gladness from mourning, peace from despair. I think I am starting to feel some of that peace I have been praying for.
My monkey and my little cow are asleep. I think I am going to go snuggle them for awhile. There is no place in the whole world I'd rather be.

God is so good.

the white side of the right bed

2008-10-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

I still can't find the battery charger for my camera, but I figured out how to send my email pictures from my new phone, so they will have to do for now!

I have been wanting a metal or iron headboard for quite some time. I already had a pretty curvy dresser with mirror, and matching night stands, so I needed a headboard. I considered making my own, was never really thrilled with any wooden headboard I found. I'm not so much about things matching, but I didn't want to bring in another type of furniture that wouldn't really compliment the pieces I already had. (Sorry if I am losing you, this is my decorator brain talking :o)

You would think a metal/iron headboard would be easy enough to come by. I was having a terrible time finding one. If I found an antique/vintage one, it was too small for my queen mattresses. I found few new ones that I kinda liked, but most were out of my price range. I was able to find a few online, but its always tricky purchasing things like that online. I couldn't find much on ebay, if there was one I liked it was most definitely located in California or Maine. All my goodwill/dav/thrift store trips turned up nothing. I had pretty much given up on this endeavor, when I happened across this:

Now, you can imagine my excitement! Could it be? Did I finally find...the one? What's this you say? A foot board to match?? for all of $29.97? SOLD!!! In this picture it looks like its a pretty brown color, like so many you see in other blogs and magazines. It was actually a hunter green faux marble type design. I was left with no choice. A few cans of spray paint later:

Isn't it lovely? I can't wait to share some detailed shots. It looks short here because I just used a bed frame to hold up for painting, so this isn't the right bed frame. I was out painting in the sun, which is therapeutic in some strange way. It wasn't long before Austin and Brooklyn came out to help. At least he brought a radio. My job was to point out all the spots he missed. :o) I had a vision when I first saw this bed, but its even prettier than I imagined. I love it when things like this happen...another God gift! I think I need a label for God gifts. I see mounds of soft, lacy, white pillows and soft, warm covers you can just get lost in. I can't wait until it all comes together! Maybe a beautiful Christmas wreath at the foot of the bed...in all whites... (I admit, I'm already dreaming of decorating for Christmas. I'm okay, really. Just keep me away from the beautiful Christmas isles at Hobby Lobby!)

I have so much to share, I'm so behind!

To my dear Beverly, I just saw your comment on my last post. I'm headed for bed now, but I will be in touch soon!

flea queen to the core

2008-10-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

The local monthly flea market was today. No spectacular finds to share...but I bought a box of baby/doll clothes for $5 which had some very pretty items. For some reason its really hard for me to resist these dainties. I have too many. I think I will sell a lot of them on ebay. What do you all have a hard time resisting?

My irresistible list:

vintage dresses

vintage baby and dolly clothes

anything blue or green

chippy little cabinets

antique/vintage jewelry

antique/vintage baby items

Lately I am trying to avoid buying small stuff. I am trying to look for functional items, or architectural pieces. Right now I am loving old wire locker baskets and old mirrors. I saw a few today, but not "single mom" priced. :o)

I want my home to be very, very, uncluttered. My decorating style really falls into several...um...categories, I guess you could say. But most of all, I don't like clutter. I have noticed that my eye is drawn to more masculine type pieces, which is strange. My eye used to land on curvy pieces, romantic pieces, pinks and whites, florals, and the like. Now I am falling for worn rusty patinas, clean lines, practicality and usefulness, always anything white, worn fabrics in faded colors, even hardware and metals. To be honest with you, my mind is always racing with colors and ideas and wishes and placement and vignettes. In my mind, I have decorated and redecorated most rooms in my house at least five times since I have lived here. I have been a little surprised at this decorator in me. My mom was always very practical and our home was always nice, but she wasn't a collector of paint chips and fabric swatches, nor a flea queen or thrift store regular. Its sorda strange to have something that is all my own, that I discovered about myself, that just happened upon me out of left field. I think we twenty-somethings need these types of things- pieces of our identity that came completely from within. And maybe its slightly a creativity/control thing. I might be the type of person that needs a creative outlet, and needs to control her immediate surroundings because she feels her life is so beyond her own control. Whatever the root of my love of home and decorating and color and vintage, I'm loving building my home, with love and careful selection, and two pretty little girls in tow.

I'm hoping to share some pictures tomorrow. I have so many beautiful finds to catch you all up on. And a bathroom...a clean, crisp, white and...gray bathroom to share.

five days for five years

2008-10-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn will be five in less than a month!!! And this birthday is monumental in more ways then one....oooh I am brimming with excitement!!!!

On her birthday, Mickey Mouse is going to be giving her a call. He is going to let her know that she gets to go to WALT DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!

We are going in December, and I am so very excited! I have been to Disney Land twice but never Disney world. I graciously welcome any advice/tips/ideas you all might have.

I wanted to share this advice for any other parents on a tight budget who might be stopping by.

Okay, I have been wanting to take Brooklyn to Walt Disney World for a long time. It can be very expensive, but it can also be really affordable. First, I recommend going to the website and signing up using your email. You won't receive a bunch of unwanted messages, and you will receive emails of when they have special deals going on. A while back I received an email of their discounted rates during certain dates of the winter season. Also, I found this website very helpful: www.mousesavers.com -its worth stopping by. The advertised deal was for five days, four nights at a Disney resort, theme park tickets for all five days, and free dining for two adults, one junior, and one child for $1253.00. (Free dining isn't exactly free dining...you receive vouchers for each person. The website above explains clearly.) When you can, and if you don't have three football players going, it is a good idea to get free dining. I have heard that food, even bottled water, is VERY expensive. I thought five days was plenty for a five year old girl, and especially during Christmas time!!! I have heard that Disney does an incredible, magical Christmas celebration. So, because we are two adults, one child and one baby, our trip was even less expensive. We got the four nights/five days in an upgraded room, five days of theme park tickets, free dining/transportation to and from airport, for barely over $1000. The only additional costs will be flights and any extras. A vacation for four, for under $2000 can be tough to do. Its doable, but you have to be patient. You have to search around for the deals, they don't really advertise the best deals. Hopefully somebody finds this helpful!

Got to go get ready for church...

Happy Sunday!!!

2008-10-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

Everything matters, and everything counts. Going through this time has made realize this truth. Our life is a record kept of our souls, in a way. And perfection is not what I think we are supposed to strive for. I'm starting to see that we should all be spreading goodness. Goodness is what I strive for. Perfection is long gone around here, let me tell ya. But from all of my mistakes has come a whole lot of goodness.

While I was visiting Gregg, my old brother was visiting too. I wanted to bring him some lunch. I went through subway's drive-thru, and the girl working was...um...kinda mean. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a very hard time being assertive. I will eat an undercooked steak rather than send it back. I will drink the wrong pop rather than ask for the diet I ordered. If I hear you coming with your shopping cart and I feel like I might be in your way, I will move on to another isle. But when that drive-thru girl was so rude to me, I had to remind myself that I love the Lord and that means I should love her too. You know what? I didn't need that on that day. I was competely taken aback by her ability to be so rude to me and for no good reason!! Just as I was about to excersize my very weak assertive muscle, I stopped and I looked at her. She looked like a miserable person. The way she carried herself, the way she spoke, the expression on her face...and I said nothing. By the time she brought my drink to the window, I apologized and said that I misunderstood her. Her response, as you can imagine, was still rude. I smiled as I drove off. I did what I could do, and I spread a little goodness. And the record for that day was improved upon. If I ever work in a drive-thru, I am going to treat every customer like they might be buying a sandwich for their brother, so that they can spend the afternoon taking care of their dying father. Because the truth is, none of know what the people we encounter are going through.
Time to shift in thought here. I have found some lovely items lately. I read this post of a fellow blogger and I was smitten. Here is one picture:

Do you see those vintage tutus? OH.MY.GRACIOUS! I saw these and I just knew I had to get one for Brooklyn's room! She is, afterall, my little dancer! I searched ebay on a regular basis, to no avail. I even looked on etsy. No luck. Then after I took a load of goodies to my booth, I thought I would just take a look around. (By the way, if you love vintage items and antiques, don't get a booth at a mall. You could easily spend the money you make on more lovelies.) I searched the rows, and I couldn't find a single thing I just had to have. I nearly passed a tiny booth filled to the brim when some I saw some tule from the corner of my eye. Would you believe that I found a vintage dress/costume/almost tutu, in Brooklyn's favorite purple, and for $10!!!!! That was a God gift. (That is what I call it when you find something extra special that you have been wanting, at a great price, just sorda out of the blue.) It will be perfect in her room!

So many things to share...I will be back soon!

i got the blues...

2008-10-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

Oh.my.gracious...

I am in need of a time of peace, and rest. Desperate need.

Gregg's health is declining rapidly. Today funeral arrangements were made. My older brother is taking care of most of this kind of yucky stuff. I have spent some time with Gregg and that has been good. We even played checkers. I can't imagine what it must be like, to be able to see the end of the ride.

On to brighter things. I really haven't had much extra time to do anything. My poor home is suffering for my schedule. My mom and I managed to go to a couple of sales this morning, and I found some neat stuff. I studied and studied for an algebra test, and I did very well! That is always exciting. Brooklyn and Charlotte are just growing like flowers. Charlie claps now and it is so cute! It's October! I love October!!! To think, I would have been getting married in nine days...

The truth is, all of this stuff is hitting me pretty hard. I'm just having a rough time right now. My Internet is fixed, and I promise a more cheerful post, with pictures, in the very near future. Just need a little time...

2008-09-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

I have missed you, friends!

My internet at home isn't working, and I am not quite sure why. I am posting today from my grammy's house. I have so much to share, not a lot of time now. I will be back soon!

love always,

kali

a new chapter

2008-09-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

The man who gave me half of my chromosomes is dying.

Today I went to his birthday celebration. I didn't really say much to him. Happy Birthday, its good to see you, all those surface level things we say. He is my brothers' father. I haven't spoken to him since I was pregnant with Brooklyn. It wasn't a good conversation. I was very reluctant about going to his birthday celebration, on my dad's actual birthday no less. My brothers wanted me to go, and so I went.

I could try to explain to you the story of how I began, it would leave you more confused. I could try to explain how I came to know he was my biological father, but it doesn't matter. It is my life and I don't get it- I could never expect anyone else to. To be clear, I have a dad. He raised me from the moment I was born. He is my dad and I am his daughter and although we don't share a genetic code, what we have goes much deeper than that. I thank God for my dad every day.

When I walked up to Gregg, I was shocked at how thin he was. There wasn't much more to him then bones and skin, and seeing him was like a blow to the chest. It is one thing to know someone is terminally ill, it is another to see their illness killing them. With a smile he said, "Now there is a familiar face." I gave him a half hug and told him happy birthday.

I was thirteen when paternity was determined. It was an awful time. I didn't really want to know, I felt like I had a father and that was all that mattered. I didn't know what difference it made, either way. After finding out the results, I was immediately thrown into an additional family. He wanted me to call him dad. He bought things at Christmas and tried to teach me how to oil paint while standing over my shoulder. I think he was disappointed at my efforts. He talked about how sometimes talking to me was just like talking to my mother. I think he might have made an appearance at some program in high school. When I got pregnant my senior year, he wasn't happy about it. He was especially unhappy about the fact that my baby was biracial. Someday I will share the story of how Brooklyn began. After that conversation, I told myself I would never see him and he would never see my baby. Every time I was around him or had a conversation with him, I felt conflicted. I couldn't be or act the way he wanted me to, in my heart and mind I already had a father. I went into the situation with ill feelings because of the way he had treated my mother. That's another song. It just never really felt right.

I had been dreading this evening. I knew I needed to go. He had become so malnourished that they stopped the chemotherapy, feeling his poor nutrition was a greater threat to his life than the cancer. I wanted to go for my brothers. It was actually my half sister who threw the party, and she did a wonderful job. She is the oldest, my oldest brother is 36. I don't know much about that situation, just that she was born before my mom and Gregg were together and she was put up for adoption. After many rejected attempts, she was finally able to grow a relationship with Gregg. I think what they have is something special. I admire her, and I think for a brief moment tonight I actually looked at her and saw my sister. It was a little weird.

There was a lot of family, all of which told me they were so glad that I came. I was glad too. I don't know what I was so afraid of. There was one of those big blow up jump around things for the kids, and Brooklyn just played played played. Most everyone just couldn't get enough of Charlie. I was uneasy most of the time, and I didn't really know what to think or feel. The whole family has always referred to Gregg as my dad and even tonight when speaking to Brooklyn they referred to him as grandpa. She just met him for the very first time this evening, and then people are telling her he is grandpa! I didn't know what to do, and I just let everything unfold. Brooklyn didn't really ask questions. It was like she knew I was uneasy and having a hard time.

It was time to sing the song and blow the candles. Family and friends gathered under a tent with pretty lights, and it was nice. They sat the cake before him. Then it hit me. I started to cry. I wondered what it must feel like to be blowing out the candles of a birthday cake for what would probably be the last time. I wondered what it would be like to know that this would probably be the last birthday. I was singing happy birthday and crying for a man I didn't really know, that without which I would not exist. I have been angry with him for so long, and tonight I let it go. When I smiled at him, it was genuine. When I hugged him, I meant it. When I cried, I cried for him. And despite what had been said, I introduced my daughters to him with all the pride a heart can carry. One with curly brown hair and dark eyes, with the most perfect color of skin- one with big blue eyes and blond hair and a sweet shyness about her. I had a hard time looking at him. It hurt just to look at him.

As we were leaving we made our way up the deck stairs. Brooklyn was ahead of Charlie and I. I was saying goodbyes and I noticed Brooklyn at the top of the stairs with Gregg. It was dark and I didn't want her to be uncomfortable and I didn't know what was going on so I hurried up the stairs. Gregg was hugging her tightly. I knew he was saying something to her but I couldn't hear. I told him goodbye and eventually we made it to our car. I was hurting in all kinds of ways, and some had nothing to do with the events of the evening. I was ready to go home. I asked Brooklyn what that man said to her. She said, "Oh, the one who was hugging me?"

"yes, did he say something to you?"

"Yeah, he just told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world."

I smiled and secretly cried. I think he meant it.

That was the best gift he has ever given me. There is nothing better that he could have said. I love him for saying that. I love him because I am part of him. I love him because I am tired of hating him. I love him because I don't have much longer.

He will die soon. I will live on. My brothers and sister will too. And while none of us really know or understand the story, we are parts of the story nonetheless. I am starting to understand more and more that the ones who wrote the story before us are still writing it today. My mom was molded by parents that were molded by their parents. My brothers and I raise our children based on what we have been taught, or learned, from our parents. We are all a part of this grander plan, this intricate story of love and pain, of human-ness. We all need God. And every single day, we all get to write the story with Him.

I hope that I can learn some really great things about the man who gave me half of my chromosomes. I plan to spend all the time I have left loving, despite differences. And I am going to love my daughters every single day, the best that I can, because I can. Because I have time and I don't know when it will be over. Every birthday I will blow out the candles with sheer joy. I will thank God for every single day. I will write with intention my story, and their stories, and subsequently their children's stories. The older I get, the more I realize that it isn't so much how the story begins or how it ends, its all the space in between. I need not know the story of how I began, or of how I will end. The substance is in the space between. That is what matters.

I am alive. My life is a story co-written by the greatest author of all. He knows my beginning and my end, and He knows the beautiful in between. Let this be known to all the world: the most beautiful parts of my story are my two daughters, Brooklyn and Charlotte. They are the very best parts of me, of anything I shall ever do, or say, or be. It matters not how they began, it only matters that they are.

To my...Gregg,
Thank you for playing a role in the beginning of my story. Thank you for letting me play a role in the ending of yours.
Love Always,
Kali

pray for texas

2008-09-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

This weekend is a big event at the antique mall where my booth is located, so keep your fingers crossed that I make a few sales!

I am dedicating this weekend to my home. I always think that I will be able to get more done during the weekend, but I just have too much going on to take on any major home projects during the week. This weekend I hope to have the bathroom finished. I have a new faucet to replace the yucky generic older one, but I have never changed one of those before. I know I could do it, just need some good online tutorials and directions!

I have some recent finds to share, and I will have to snap some pictures asap.

I thought I would share a couple pictures of the girls that I have taken recently:

Charlotte's 6 month picture...I need photoshop so I can edit the eye boogy...

The girls on Brooklyn's first day of Pre-K. Brooklyn was so excited, and I think Charlotte missed her.
I have been talking to some friends about taking pictures for them, and when things slow down some I am hoping to get going! Pray for me!

No, pray for Texas.

2008-09-11T22:22:00.001-07:00

I know I said I would post booth pictures on Monday, and it is Friday. I can't find my battery charger for my camera. I wish I were more on top of things, and a little less scatter brained.

I'm headed to bed. Thursdays are exhausting! I will be back tomorrow- no school, no work, no plans- just house cleaning and grocery shopping.

Goodnight Friends

2008-09-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

i.am.exhausted...

i must say i will be thrilled after i get everything finished for the booth. initially i was worried that i wouldn't have enough to fill my space so i have been to more thrift stores, goodwills, dav's and garage sales then i can keep track of. i have gone to at least one of the above every day just trying to find great items. in my last post i said the hardest part was knowing how to price things...i take that back. the hardest part is not keeping things for yourself! i have a "wait and see" pile...i set those extra special items aside for awhile. i try to buy only things that i love, but then i love them!

i have to share one of my all time favorite finds. i walked into one of my favorites and the girls said that everything was half off. awesome! i headed strait for the furniture because i was needing some for my booth. there it was...
a 1950's GE refridgerator!!!!! i looked it over, checked inside, it was plugged in and cold. it was really clean which surprised me. the tag said $100, so for $50 i practically stole the coolest fridge ever! i will post a pic on monday, with lots of other pics. (booth pics)

here are some of the things i have found:
unused baby books from 1950's w/the best graphics!
vintage linens
hand sewn dolly clothes
old needlepoint purse
pretty dishes
vanity
sweet baby print
vintage sewing items
shabby dresser
silver pieces
and more!

i can't wait to see how everything comes together! and you'll get to see too, on monday. see ya then!

a day at home...thank the Lord!

2008-09-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

Today I am not leaving this house. I didn't even take Brooklyn to school. Charlotte is sick, no fever, just stuffy nose and coughing. I think she has allergies. I was going to move things to the booth today, but it is rainy. Eddie the water guy was supposed to come change my filters. I called and rescheduled. Today its just me and my girls. We are ordering in and watching DVRed Gilmore Girls and Roseanne and I am going to paint some furniture during nap time. But I will be home all day, and I am absolutely happy about that.

Brooklyn is having fun in dance class. She started in the intermediate class and I was worried that she might be behind the other girls- but she hangs right in there with them. My classes are going well and I am really enjoying school. I just wish I knew what I was meant to do...

Brooklyn was putting a dish in the sink, and she skipped all the way there. I think that is pretty cool. If only we could always be so happy and zealous.

I have been spending most of my spare time working on booth stuff. I have some before and after pictures to share. So far the hardest part has been trying to figure out how to price things. Well, and finding time of course. I have found lots of inspiring booth pictures.

I can't wait to show you all that I have done...starting with this sweetie:

blessed beyond measure

2008-08-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

I'm eating strawberries and cream frosting right out of the tub, and watching sex and the city. (I only watch the edited version...recently watched one of the dvd's and it was too much for me...made me almost uncomfortable...yeah, I'm still a nerd.)

Its only my second week of school, and while there are so many things on my mind and in my heart, one thing stands out for me. When you are a mom going back to college, every day is a small miracle. Many people must come together to get you there. Grandma's watch babies. Sweet teachers let you pay tuition twice a month instead of in one lump payment. Dads change their schedules. Austin spends his one day off a week, taking care of my girlies and cleaning my house or mowing my lawn during nap time. He leaves work a little early so I can get to my evening class on time, and I come home to clean dishes and a happy baby. This week would not have been possible if it weren't for my family, and I know that each day only flows because many people come together to make it happen. I can't say enough how much I appreciate it.

Charlotte is such a happy baby. She just smiles and smiles, and I am so in love with her. I still can't stop squeezing her and kissing her and snuggling her. Brooklyn sure does love Charlotte and no one can make her laugh live Brooklyn does. They have something really special. I was watching Oprah and the show was about spoiled kids. There was this four year old girl, with thousands in american girl products, real diamond earrings, tons of clothes and toys, even her very own coach purse. Her mom eventually admitted that she spends big money to compensate for working full time. Brooklyn and I shop at goodwills and thrift stores and target. She might get an american girl doll for her birthday, and that I have to scrimp for. We went to one of our favorite thrift stores today, and she wanted a toy. I didn't have much money to spend and she has sooo many toys. I told her "not today babe." She knows this response all too well. She didn't complain or fuss or question or get grouchy. She just put the toy back and we left. She is such a great kid. She deserves all the things that little girl has. She would appreciate it. I wish I could spoil Brooklyn sometimes. I wish I could fly her to NYC and take her to the American Girl Store, let her pick out which ever doll she wants...then its off to FAO for some dress up clothes...then to sephora so she can pick out a lip gloss (she loves make up)...museums...central park...dinner at some yummy restaurant where I am sure she would order mac & cheese with a sprite. If I could, I would. Maybe someday...

I'm just feeling so thankful. I am thankful for my family, for Austin, for my happy healthy girls. I'm thankful and I am so blessed.

2008-08-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

It is blessed nap time, and so I am able to post.
Brooklyn loves school! I took pictures (yep, I'm that mom) and I will share them soon. She looks so stinkin cute with her little purple back pack. I only cried a little, after I left her school. She tells me, "Mom, everybody has to grow up."

But not everybody is my baby girl.

I've been to all of my classes and I'm starting to think I blend in now. For some reason at first, I felt like I had one of those sandwich boards on "SINGLE MOM, NEVER MARRIED, SUPER SMART BUT THIS IS HER THIRD ATTEMPT AT COLLEGE, HAS NO CLUE WHAT TO GET HER DEGREE IN, BUT IS IN THERAPY AND WILL FIGURE THAT OUT." oh, and:

"DON'T GET TOO CLOSE, SHE HAS HORRIBLE COFFEE BREATH."

Actually, there are a variety of types of people at my college. I have returning adult students in all of my classes. I don't know why I felt so awkward...

I did something crazy. I signed a lease for my very own antique booth. I know, as if I don't already have enough on my plate. Hopefully I can make a little money, enough for gas would be nice. If nothing else, I will have fun while I break even!

And remember this dear friend and her incredible store? Well I am going to start helping out around there, and I am very excited! I always have fun in the company of Emily- she is a celebrity around these parts!!! :o)

I will post more soon...

Welcome Fall!!!

back to school

2008-08-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot going on around here lately. I am officially a "college student" and I attended my first class last night. Its a women studies course on domestic violence. I am really looking forward to this class! My other classes are English 102 and Math 111. I know you'll make a face when you read this, but I really love algebra. I like the problem solving. It makes my brain feel good. I'm a nerd.

I went to Brooklyn's "Meet the Teacher" conference and I loved her! She has a very sincere way about her, and I could tell Brooklyn felt very comfortable with her. Monday is her first day!

Some more news...I have been on the waiting list at an antique mall here in town. I have been wanting my own booth for some time now, and I certainly have enough to fill one. They have availability and I am going to check it out on monday morning. I am really excited but I don't want to bite off more than I can chew...we'll see. It might be a good thing.

This is going to be a laid back weekend, full of cleaning and painting, organizing, and enjoying some time with the little ladies. Brooklyn and I will have so much fun:

Have a great weekend!!!

GOODIES AND A GIVEAWAY!!!!

2008-08-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to share some of the lovely goodness I have found recently!

This pitcher and bowl were $7.50! They have matching markings, so they have survived many years together to finally find a place in my home. These were used for "washing up" many many many years ago. The most expensive purchase was this antique lace table cloth, at $32. It is very large and I plan to use it on the foot of my bed. My mom bought this for me, and I had to talk myself into letting her spend that much. As we were leaving the antique mall, I found one similar in worse condition priced at $75! I felt better about the price after that.

I bought several postcards dated from 1908-1915. Almost all of them are unused. I paid anywhere from $1 - $3 per card. Still, cheaper than buying a new greeting card or some little scrapbook notion.

I loved this picture at first sight. It might have been the blue green background...or the feminine flowers in masculine colors (earthy browns and golden yellows)...or the chippy frame in creamy white. This picture was $6.30! I found the vintage lamp shade looking lonely on a shelf at the DAV. I loved the ruffles and the lace, and the price of $1.98!!! Stay tuned for the plans I have for her!
One of my favorite finds- this vintage satiny silky purse with its little baby coin purse. There are little sparkly diamonds in the clasp. The inside is that peach color and it is marked with a sparkly "M". I am going to have to do some research. I paid $6.98 for these two.
This was perhaps my biggest steal. I don't own any vanity sets, but I saw the birdies on this set (look closely :o) and I had to have it. For those who aren't familiar - pictured here is a jewelry tree, a lipstick holder, and a perfume tray. I was scared to see the price...$14.50!!! Then when I went to purchase the item, that booth was discounted 30%!!! I paid just over $10! I looked for markings- this is a Matson. I did a little research. Matson was a company based out of New York, and they made all types of vanity items- from shaving items to perfume bottles- during the 1950's and 60's. My vanity set here is plated in 24k gold. I couldn't find these particular items on ebay, but most marked Matson items were selling anywhere from $20 to $100+. I just love anything birds, and these birdies belong on my dresser!
This baby book is one of my favorite finds. It belongs to Evelyn Rummel, born at home in 1921. Her mommy filled out much of this book, and saved cards and notes and articles and even a lock of her hair. I nearly cried as I looked through this book. Why doesn't Evelyn's great granddaughter have this treasure? To some this might just be "stuff" but to me these are the kinds of things that teach us about our history, about change, about then and now, about life. I paid $12.50 for this book. But to me, it is priceless.

The saying on the first page reminds me of Charlie.
Just one of the pages, memories lovingly saved. Scrapbooking in the 1920's...
In the picture above, there are two baby dresses, a little knit sweater of the softest blue with a ribbon enclosure, two matching knit sockies, a warm fuzzy hat (bottom right corner) and a letter from Aunt Ella to baby Mary Elizabeth circa 1909. Ella writes to Mary, talking of her father's long ride to fetch her nurse for her birth, of learning to ride, of how happy she was that she was a girl. I purchased these items on ebay. They were all found together- someone probably purchased an estate or something. I bought all of these items for $12.49, with $4.00 shipping. I will take good care of them, and I plan to display these in Charlie's room. (along with a collection of antique baby items...I just can't help it.)Look at those teeny tiny buttons!!! Some of the smallest I have seen!

You can see the little fuzzy hat better, with its lace edge and ribbons. Its silky soft on the inside. Above it are two vintage baby pillowcases. One has tiny flowers embroidered along the edge, the other is made of linen and lace, with a soft ruffle.

I bought the vintage little girlie hat for $1.50! I needed some little hangers for display, and bought these chippy white hangers for $2.25 on ebay. The pair of vintage bunnies I bought for $2.70. Little blue doll dress in the corner was less than $3.

Look at that old millinery...little blue velvet ribbon... and there is a cream colored ribbon that ties around the chin...so so sweet! And these items were photographed on a vintage baby quilt, of a peachy pink satin. Upon close inspection, my mom thought this was hand quilted. I paid $3 for it.

I love to find pairs, fitting for my pair of girls.

AND FINALLY....THE GIVEAWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is the first of many giveaways!!!!! I am including one of my favorite decorating books. I have looked over this book many many times. I think I have it memorized...so its time to pass it on. There are some lovely ideas in Country Living's Decorating Vintage Style. This vintage muffin tin in a beautiful green would be perfect for your craft room or even jewelry. These are great for organizing sewing notions, crafting baubles, scrapbooking items, or jewelry. I wouldn't cook anything in this, just to be err on the side of caution. Last but not least, this beautiful dish. I just loved the colors and the dainty pattern. I use dishes for all kinds of things- catching jewelry on a dresser, wall art, a resting place for chunky bars of soap. I searched through many dishes while antiquing this weekend, and this one was "the one". Dishes were the first things I started collecting because they were really affordable. I would often search through hundreds of dishes at thrift stores before I found a lovely to come home with me. Dishes are close to my heart- especially ones with imperfections. And I have a feeling a couple more lovelies will sneak into the box before I send it off...

To enter the drawing, email your name and zip code to alifelovely@gmail.com, or you could just leave a comment on this post. Brooklyn will draw a name next Sunday. I will contact you for where to send your package!!!

Sending love to you and yours!

Kali

a few days away

2008-08-14T11:13:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends!

I'm headed out of town this afternoon. My brother and his lovely family live an hour and a half away. They live in a smaller community with the cutest "downtown" you ever saw! And the old homes are so well taken care of, its almost fairytale like. My mom and I are going to stay a couple nights. Tomorrow we are going to shop all the little small town shops, and I am going to buy something to add to the giveaway. I already have a few items together, but I want to find something special to add...

I hope you all have a great weekend! For many its already back to school time! I will be back Saturday, with my giveaway post...and pictures...

love,
kali

still distracted...

2008-08-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

I think I have a problem. It is three in the morning and I can't sleep. Most nights I have trouble falling asleep, because my mind just races with thoughts. Thoughts like...

I should make Brooklyn a dollhouse for Christmas, I better get started now... I loved that bedding for her, but I just bought bedding for her...I wonder if I could sell it on ebay?...I wish those shower curtains would get here, could I live with a pattern or should I stick with the white?...I hope I can buy a new hardware for the sink, I wonder if I could install it myself...should I use towel bars or just hooks?...I kind of like the look of hooks...I hope someone drops so I can switch classes...I better get Brooklyn in for her physical...

and it never stops.

So I get online and I look at blogs, or I look at magazines. Like it is just some itch that I can scratch and go back to sleep. But it isn't. If I were sick in a hospital bed, I would probably be thinking of what wall colors would make the room more cozy and inviting. I'm NUTS. That is all there is to it.

I'm back in school, and so that's good. I love my college. Both of my parents graduated from the college I go to, and when I walk around the campus I think of them. I imagine them walking the same sidewalks when I was just a baby. Slow and steady wins the race, and that is my plan for the next 5 or 6 years.

Bathroom #1 has an enclosed tub. It isn't the most attractive bath, but I kind of like it. I'm thinking I want to hang a shower curtain anyway, just to soften the room a bit. I know if I buy a shower curtain with a pattern I will be ready for a new one in about two to three months. So I thought I would stick with white. White always looks fresh, clean, crisp. I found this curtain at Anthropologie...pretty, love the ruffles...but $98 is way to much for me to spend on a shower curtain.

Then I found this one online at Target! It was only $29.99, with free shipping to boot! It had great customer reviews. I should have stopped there and called it good. But I kept looking.

And I found this one. It was on sale for $23. I like the flowers, and I think the blues might be perfect for the wall color I have chosen...but its a pattern. Ugh. But its on sale! What if it just looks perfect? This is my shower curtain dilemma. There was only one solution...

Buy them both, hang them, and return the one that doesn't work. I wonder which one it will be...

I know, its ridiculous. This is only the first room I am working on. I'm going to have to buy some Tylenol pm when I pick up those towel hooks...or bars...

and it never stops.

distracted...in a good way

2008-08-10T21:09:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me. I haven't got my give away items together yet. I woke up this morning, and I have spent the entire day on this:

Remember bathroom #1? It looks like I have a long way to go, but really a lot of progress has been made. It took me FOREVER to pull down the wallpaper. I couldn't paint over it because it had raised along the edges, probably from years in a bathroom (shower/bath steam). The only other experience I have with wall paper was in my little 1920's cottage...three layers of wall paper in the kitchen. I managed to remove it all, down to the lathe and plaster. In this 1970's home, its a much different story. There was one layer of wall paper, and underneath there were strips of this off white paper...not the glue backing. I don't know if this was used to cover the sheetrock at that time or what. But there wasn't any behind the mirror, so I had to mud along the edges. Its really weird...

I basically only have painting and decorating to go...oh, and hanging a light fixture. But that's no big deal.

Ladies- don't be afraid to take on home projects. I know it can be really intimidating. Even single moms can be "do it yourself'ers"! My best advice: buy a couple of really good home improvement books, and never be afraid to ask questions. I have asked some crazy questions of the poor guys at Lowes/Home Depot. But they always help, and I always learn.

I can't wait to finish this room!!! Next its the girls' rooms, and they will be so much more fun!!!

Okay, I will get the give away together soon- I promise.

tis better to give...

2008-08-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

I never really thought of myself as much of a collector. I'm definitely drawn to certain types of things. I am not sure what designates a "collection" but I think I might have "collections" of these lovely things:

*cowgirl boots (I just bought a pair of pink boots for Brooklyn online. I can't wait to share pics)

*birds

*vintage/antique dishes in various shades of white

I am still stuck on whether or not to have the girls share a room. Brooklyn wants to share. So I will probably have them share. I think it builds character.

I am very excited to tell you that a reader featured me on her blog! Thank you Beverly! On that note, I have decided to do a give away. I am going to get together a collection of lovely items. Meet me here tomorrow for all the details...

Frosting Shmosting

2008-08-09T13:15:00.001-07:00

Oh, and I forgot to share this:

Pictured here is my latest dessert. It is a blackberry jam cake with cream cheese frosting. Everybody loved it. I went and made the frosting from scratch. It was too thin, almost an icing. It just didn't stick to the cake like it should...but it tasted good! If the frosting were right, you wouldn't see the line where the two cakes meet (with that oh so yummy seedless blackberry jam center!) and you wouldn't need to stick the cake in the fridge so the frosting would harden. But Brooklyn loved it, and she told me, "Mom, you're the best cooker ever!"

Next time, I will get the frosting right!

I love cooking with Brooklyn. I hope I am creating great memories for her. She seems to love to cook, and I hope she always does. My mom always made great dinners, but we never really spent time together in the kitchen. I never knew much in the way of cooking, and still don't. I have just now figured out how best to fry an egg, and the perfect time to take the bacon from the pan. I make most everything from a recipe, but I am learning to trust myself a little. Since I have this new, big house, I think I might plan something special for Christmas. I'm already thinking of the menu, decor, and all that needs to be finished before hand. I just love Christmas.

You should see Brooklyn, in her little vintage aprons! Or standing on a chair washing dishes at the sink. When I am in the kitchen with her, I just feel so happy. There is no where else I'd rather be...

a princess and her King

2008-08-09T12:24:00.001-07:00

The stars have aligned and I am miraculously by myself, and I thought I would take some time to check my favorite blogs, and post. I had in mind sharing some things about some hard parts of being a single mom. Just stuff I had been dealing with lately. But then as I was catching up on my blog community, I came across this in a blog:

My Princess...
You're Never Alone! You never need to hold on to anyone out of fear of being alone, My precious princess. I am with you wherever you are. I am the friend who walks in when the world walks out. I created you to have strong relationships, My love, and I see your desire to be close to someone. If you will seek Me first and come to Me with your wants and needs, I will choose your friends for you. I also will bless those friendships abundantly. Don't settle for less than My best just to fill your schedule with people to see and places to go. I want to reach you with the reality of My presence in you first, and then you will be ready for real relationships that are orchestrated by Me.

Love,
Your King and your Best Friend

This was exactly what I needed. EXACTLY. This was taken from the book "His Princess: Love Letters From Your King. I think I need this book!

It can be really tough, knowing the truth. It can be really tough, waiting on God. It can be really tough, knowing you are desirable when no one desires you...well, no earthly one. It can be really really really hard to trust in what you can't yet see, touch, feel, or even experience at times. But what is even harder than all of these things, is the price you will pay by not doing them, by taking the easy way out. I know, through learning the hard way, that I am going to have to just work hard every day to stay on the right path. It takes work every day for me to follow the Lord. And some days, I don't live what I feel for God. Some days, I blatantly make the wrong choice. Its not easy, following God. But its much harder if you don't.

Its an adventure, becoming who you were meant to be.

seek and you will find :o)

2008-08-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

(Brooklyn and I went to the pbk website to order her first back pack. This line was on sale! So we had to get her the matching small duffel for dance class! Of course, in purple. :o)

I have a feeling that I can pretty much count on the end of July/beginning of August to be crazy busy. I haven't been a mom with school aged kiddos. But this being my first year, I get it. And it probably only gets worse as they get older. Sometimes I just want the world to slow down a little for me. The time is passing quickly and I just can't fit everything in.

The photos on my camera are backing up, but I have so many things I want to share. The bathroom isn't finished yet, it too got put on hold momentarily. My time on the computer has been limited, and when I do get on here I'm pretty much on ebay. I started out just selling some things I had, some baby clothes that were hardly worn, etc. Now its so bad that I am scouring goodwills and salvation armies and garage sales and thrift stores- in search of all things lovely vintage to sell. I'm certainly not in this to get rich. I just love the hunt! Today, being garage sale day, I was out and about with the girls. We made several stops, and at one of the last ones Brooklyn actually told me she wanted to go home...no more shopping. She said she wanted to go home to take a nap!!! This girl fights nap time EVERY SINGLE DAY. Then I knew it was bad. My usually excited little bargain shopper would rather take a nap than go to another store. I hope I'm not ruining her. I can hear them talking as teenagers, "Remember when mom would drag as out to all those stupid thrift stores and garage sales?"

Every once in a while, I come across something I just have to keep. Or at least I let it sit on my table for a few days until I convince myself I don't really need it and there might be someone out there looking for this very thing. I have lots and lots of pictures to share of recent finds, but only a few for now.

Vintage Christmas ornaments! I love the clear one with the old millinery inside. The turquoise ornaments are so pretty too! ( I might have to keep these. :o)
Vintage seventies dresses! All in great condition...the raspberry colored one is my favorite.

Some dress patterns from the 1950's, vintage sewing/craft notions...look at those glasses! They are even sweeter in person.

Some vintage greeting cards, unused! I don't really want to part with these. Maybe I will just keep a couple. Cute vintage coffee cups- they are turquoise for crying out loud!!! How could I pass them up?

I love this vintage bread box. It is sitting on my kitchen counter, but I think I am going to sell it. Good by turquoise beauty box...it was so good knowing you. :o(

Most of these items I will sell. I would love to have my own actual store, but I can't imagine it being fruitful. It would be really tough. Until then, ebay will suffice. I hope that people are excited to discover my items on ebay. It brings me joy searching for these lovelies. It almost feels like rescuing them from despair, and finding them new families that would appreciate all that they are, their history, the years they have survived. Okay, I am aware of how incredibly corny that all sounds. But if you can't look at it that way, think of it as going green! That seems to be all the rage lately. Buying vintage is like recycling!

I will post even more photos soon. Until then, be well friends!

two little monkeys sittin' in a chair

2008-08-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

(we found this Halloween costume at goodwill for $6.98. Brooklyn was so excited I had to tell her to calm down in the store. I don't know if it will make it to Halloween. She wears it every day, even if its only for a little while. I caught her feeding her baby - and notice the little diaper she swiped to put on him...stinker.)

My laptop is not working. And it stinks!!! On top of that, I have been very busy! I have enrolled Brooklyn in Pre-kindergarten, which is kind of a big deal. I can't believe this is her last year before she starts school. The time just flies right on by.

And now this little girl can sit up all by herself! I took a bunch of pictures of her the day she turned five months old. Oh yes, the time does fly.

I thought I would share this trick with you. I say trick, because it makes me feel guilty to call it a recipe. This is one of our favorites, and it is so simple its ridiculous. If you are making a dinner that takes a lot of work, this is the perfect dessert. It is soooooo good.

This is essentially a peanut butter bar, but I think it looks so much prettier in a round version. You could make the peanut butter cookie part from scratch, or you could do what I do. I buy the bag of Betty Crocker peanut butter cookie mix...you add a couple of ingredients, stir, and viola! I cook it in a spring form pan. Once you have mixed the dough according to directions, pour it into the pan of your choice. I work the dough around and press evenly into the form of the pan. When adjusting the cooking time, you can refer to the bar recipe on the back of the package. Once this has completely cooled, you smooth on the frosting. I buy a container of the milk chocolate frosting, and I use the whole dang thing. I really, really, really love frosting. I put the frosting on while it is still in the spring form, so the edges look pretty when I take it off. You could dress this up...a row of Hershey's kisses around the edge or shaved chocolate curls (make it easy on yourself, buy a dove milk chocolate bar and use a vegetable peeler :o) I haven't been cooking long enough to begin to think I know what I am doing, but I think I have discovered the secret:

Keep it simple!!!

I like simple. Now, every once in a while you have to challenge yourself, out do yourself, show 'em what your made of...but if you are entertaining guests or cooking a dinner for the new parents to heat up and eat...stick with what you know, keep it simple. Trust me, this "trick" doesn't taste simple!

(The lighting is horrible in this picture, sorry. The cookie part looks almost burnt, but it was really the perfect peanut butter cookie color. On a side note: I looked on ebay to look at cake stands with lids. I found one similar to mine, and it sold for $45.00!!! I love it when that happens!)

Be well!

kali

stay tuned...

2008-07-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

i'm just stopping in real quick. i have lots and lots to share- recipes, a most hilarious picture of brooklyn, a picture of the new dresser, bathroom updates, etc. etc...

i'm hoping to post during nap time. :o)

i'm decorated in oil based paint. i don't know how you do it, i always get paint all over my hands, or in my hair, or on an elbow or my leg. same goes for eating. i rarely eat a meal without some mishap on my shirt. maybe its a curse or something.

my dear pottery barn,

i'm sorry for the things i said. i don't know what came over me. when i received the catalog from pottery barn kids, i knew i had made a big mistake. where your "adult" store deflated my decorating spirit, your "kid" store sent me soaring! its not you, its me. i'm just the kind of girl who finds comfort and solace in any place "kid" - please understand. to show you how sorry i am, i am going to order this for miss brookie to go to school:

(in purple, of course)

can we just start over? why throw away years of a relationship for one post of disappointment? today is a new day! in the mean time, in the best interest of being green and saving trees, only send me the kid catalog, okay?

i will always love you,

kali

(all goofiness aside, the pbk back to school catalog is awesome! new rooms that aren't yet online...)

happy thursday!

(who needs uppercase?!?! :o)

joy is a special find!

2008-07-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

There are some secrets to thrifting that I am willing to share, but only under certain conditions. You must share with me your best finds, your favorites, your best deals!

1. If you have kids, this is one time it is okay to bribe. For example, today while thrifting I told Brooklyn that if she was good, I would take her to get ice cream afterward. That, coupled with the promise to pick out a toy, bought me a good hour of thrifting. If you have the option, leave them with dad. It is so nice to look around on your own. If you have a tiny one still in the baby car seat, go during their nap time. Okay, now that you have that worked out...

2. Always pay attention to areas that aren't in your direct line of vision- top and bottom shelves, under shelves. Most people don't take the time to look in these places, and I have found some great things this way.

3. Look in boxes. Often times there will be small boxes thrown in among other things. My incurable curiosity forces me to look inside. Its a good thing, too. One time at a flea market, I found a booth of what some would call junk. Everything was dirt cheap. In filtering through everything, I found a small greeting card box. I opened it, and inside was a collection of vintage hand sewn baby doll clothes! Each little outfit was beautiful! There was even a little wedding dress with a veil, and little blue panties for underneath. I bought the box, and the tiny wardrobe, for $2! Today I saw a little box on a shelf. I opened it, and inside there were vintage poker chips! (I love poker. I might be addicted, but I don't play for money. I just like the game.)

These are just a few of my secrets, that really aren't secrets. But here is some of what I found today:
left to right:

- I think this is a holder for matches. It is definitely vintage. I had no idea what it was, but the picture on it is really so pretty. There is a little spot on the side that says "strike here". Maybe one of you knows what this is? The little flap on the front lifts up.

- I found another cake stand! This one is bigger than the other I just bought, and I like the glass cover. I see a creamy coconut cake in our future. :o)

- I bought a grab bag of vintage sewing baubles. I am selling most of the loot on ebay. But I kept a few items for myself. I am most excited about the linen lace! I should have taken a close up of how intricate it is...maybe next post.

- Brooklyn loved this little bunny tin.

- A big kerr jar! It even had its old lid. I don't know what I fill it with.

- Surprise box of vintage poker chips!

(not pictured: two vintage dresses, and some curtains, and a new dresser for Brooklyn! will share later :o)

Here is one picture of the collection I'm listing on ebay today:

Don't forget to share you favorite finds!!!

something strange goin on around here...

2008-07-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I am going through a quarter life crisis or something...

I almost always find something I love from Pottery Barn. I thumbed through the most recent catalog...and nothing. Not one page inspired me. Maybe I'm not ready for the fall colors, or "sophisticated" patterns. I can't be sure. I guess there was one page, but it was more a decorating idea:

I like this idea for a stairway. I think I would use frames in the same color family. Okay, so I wasn't left completely uninspired. I have noticed that I feel drawn to things a little more...um...quirky. Something is happening to me. Is this what they call "evolving"?

I want to get rid of nearly all my clothes. I look in the closet and nothing really matches me. I just feel an overwhelming urge to purge, and get back to simplicity. A lot of what you need, and a little of what you can't live without. An old love has waltzed back in and decided to stay a while...vintage dresses. I love all things vintage. I loved this one on ebay, beyond my budget:

Right now I am in love with anything from the 1940's. I have a 40's dress I bought on ebay some time ago, and I am just waiting for the right occasion to wear it. I am going to need one of these too:

I so badly, so so badly, so very badly want a 1940's turquoise truck. Maybe I will find an old one to restore someday. I know, I know- as if my plate wasn't full enough. But a girl can dream, right?

My mom has always said that I am an old soul.

no more training wheels :o(

2008-07-14T17:10:00.001-07:00

This is a week to go down in history. This week, my baby girl learned to ride her bike without training wheels. I can't decide whether or not I am totally overjoyed or if I might start crying. It is a bittersweet moment, when your first born learns to ride without training wheels.

Charlotte has also learned something new...the airplane sound. You know, that sound you make when you blow air through your lips. And she LOVES to make this sound. Like, all day long. It is cute every single time! She even changes the pitch of the noise she makes as she does it, and it is hilarious!!! How fast they learn and grow and discover...I hear her now...

I didn't wind up having a garage sale. Some unexpected things came up, and I wound up giving most of my baby items to someone. It was funny, really. As I was preparing for the sale, an old coworker asked if I had any baby items she could buy from me. She knew a young mom in need. I was glad to give it away. I know its hard, and I was helped out tremendously by my mom when I had Brooklyn. Blessed to be a blessing, that's what I say.

I picked a blue color for the bathroom. Its similar to the blue in the counter top. I was trying to decide between a warm gray color and a soft white for the cabinet. I think I am going with white.

And the cabinet will need new jewelry...

or maybe:

I love this smokey gray, but the flower pulls are very pretty too. Decisions, decisions...

I planted a hydrangea plant today. They are one of my favorite flowers. Its so hard to do work inside during the summer.

I will post bathroom pictures soon. I hope you are all well and having a great summer! I can't believe they have the school supplies out in the stores already!!!! Geesh!!!

recipe for magic: one radio and one pot of coffee

2008-07-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know what hit me, but I spent the entire day yesterday cleaning the kitchen. Not like, do the dishes and wipe down the counters clean...no. I mean went through every single cupboard/cabinet/drawer, filled a big box with items for goodwill, organized everything in its own little home, kind of clean. Give me a radio and a pot of coffee, and the possibilities are endless!!!! I can't say how good it feels to walk into a very clean, very organized, less is more kind of room. I want my whole house to be this way. My goal is to clean and organize the whole house before the end of August, when school starts. One room at a time, one room at a time!

I hope you all had a fun fourth of July! These times aren't easy, but I am so thankful for my country and my freedom.

If you are in the neighborhood this weekend, you might stop on by. There will be a garage sale here...with things like vintage table linens/napkin rings, a variety of dishes, some funky furniture, and clothes of the teeny tiny sort.

Today: go through clothes, wash and package bed linens for sale, clean and organize bathroom #1

hmmm...what will I do with the garage sale proceeds? Maybe this sofa...

or this bed....

Okay, back to work!

TJMaxx, how I love thee! Let me count the ways...:o)

2008-07-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

I have been sick. Very very sick. I am feeling much better today. I haven't been able to work on the bathroom much, but I have some other exciting things to share!

A while ago I found this beautiful duvet cover by Ralph Lauren at TJMaxx. I have been slowly putting together a bed of all whites. I have had a hard time finding a duvet cover that I just loved. Then I found this one! The price tag from its original store said $470!!! It has lots of embroidery and detail, but my word that is way too much money! TJMaxx's tag was significantly lower. Affordable for a girl like me, well, with the help of layaway. I couldn't help but look around, and boy I am glad I did! I found these pretties to come home with me:

The cake stands are a rose colored glass. I have been wanting some cake stands. I was so excited when I found these in graduating sizes. The small one was only $4.99, the middle $5.99, the large one was $6.99! Won't this other pretty look nice filled with various soaps, in my new bathroom?

such pretty detail:

Remember this post? Well, its finally finished! And I think it looks happy with its fresh, new, cream outfit. This piece is especially close to my heart.

I think the funk is over. I am finding inspiration again. I think I have figured out the colors for bathroom #1. I still feel a little weak today (for some reason Charlotte's car seat feels especially heavy :o) but I think that tomorrow I will be ready to get to work!

Happy Wednesday!

~kali

bathroom #1

2008-06-27T12:03:00.000-07:00

I have been pretty busy and distracted lately, but my goal for this weekend is to focus on my house. I have been a bit under the weather and I have found it hard to get motivated. I so love all things "home"- gardening, decorating, cooking, creating. If I could just make my visions a reality, this home would be incredible.

Nearly every room of this big house has wallpaper. I. HATE. WALLPAPER!!!!!! Maybe its because it is too much of a commitment for me, or maybe its because it is so restrictive when it comes to decorating. Either way, its a little discouraging. I am going to have to stick to my "one room at a time" way of thinking.

There are two bedrooms (other than the master bedroom) on the first floor. One is a bit smaller than the other. I have a dilemma. Brooklyn wants to share a room with Charlotte. I have reasons why I think that would be ideal, and also reasons why I think separate rooms would be better. I don't know what to do. And until I am sure, I don't want to start on those bedrooms. (any advice would be greatly appreciated!) In order to get motivated, I am starting with the main bathroom. I have already started pulling down the wall paper, so it isn't a true "before" picture. At least you will have an idea of what I am up against.

I can't do everything I would like, but I can definitely make some big changes.

-the light fixture has got to go. I have changed many light fixtures, so this update shouldn't be any big deal.

-the oak cabinet will be painted. You can see drips on the cabinet, that was my great aunt's hair color.

-the knobs/towel bars will be changed out. I am thinking maybe a worn looking finish. I will see what strikes me.

-the counter top and the cabinet mirror are staying, for now. I don't know if you can tell, but the cabinet top is a real light blue. I don't mind this color. The cabinet mirror will be painted as well.

-in the reflection, you can see the shower. I am going to go ahead and get a tension bar, and hang a curtain. I have a couple of really pretty curtains.

Right now I am trying to decide on what colors I will paint the walls and cabinet. I am going to stay pretty neutral, because my tastes change all the time. There is a touch of grey in the floor, so I might pick a color with some warm grey tones to it. I want this bathroom to look very clean, simple, fresh. Maybe blues/greys/pewter...big fluffy towels...multi-hued soaps in a pretty dish...an array of toiletries for guests, arranged on a vintage tray...one of my little white pitchers for fresh flowers...

Can you see my vision?

plans; God's comedy central

2008-06-25T08:33:00.001-07:00

Charlie has a cold. Poor baby, her nose is stuffy and sometimes she just looks at me with that, "make it better mom" look. My wedding dress sold, which is a good thing...I suppose.

Yesterday I decided that I needed to get focused. I need to get organized. I need to just get back on track. In an effort to do so, I decided to buy a new planner. I am not ready for all that blackberry stuff. My life has always ran so much smoother from a planner. (and yep, I'm a list person too.) The planner I have I hadn't cracked open in quite some time, it is full of wedding stuff and wedding to do's. Ugh. So with this new leaf, I was in search of a new planner and a new journal. I went to dinner with Emily and we headed to our city's brand new Barnes and Noble. I searched through the fiction, the cooking section, self-help, Christianity, then thought I would head on over to the planner/journal section. Wouldn't you guess what section is right there, snuggling up to the very section I was after? WEDDING PLANNING. Are you kidding me?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?! And all those wretched books were just sitting there, mocking me...in their pretty pastel colors and such. I couldn't help but laugh back at them. Then I thought about ripping them all off the shelves. Then I saw her. This sweet, petite, dewy eyed little lovely lady. She was totally after the wedding planning section. She couldn't help but smile while she browsed. I figured it would be best for her if I left them there, in their order, on the shelves. I made it out of the store with my new planner, new journal, and a cookbook. All the while telling myself, "I am not bitter. I am not bitter. I am not bitter..."

It was late when I got home. I didn't go to sleep. Oh no. I popped open my laptop and my new leaf, new life planner. And I started filling it with all the "single girl" things I was going to do- concerts, poker, girls nights, dance lessons (although I am going to have to find a crazy, willing boy to dance with), picnics with my little girlies. The sting of the wretched wedding planners was fading as I realized that I have a very full, lovely life. I have so many things to look forward to. There is a split lip rayfield concert, fourth of july at the lake, walnut valley bluegrass festival, a good friend's wedding that I have the honor of photographing, a visit to Oregon to learn from this lovely photographer, and finally...the beginning of the fall semester. While I am completely excited about all that I have to write down in my planner, I am equally excited about what will happen on the blank days. What will happen that I haven't planned? What is God planning as He laughs at my dire need for a planner in the first place? Isn't that the saying..."We plan, God laughs."

The planner brings me comfort, it gives me a sense of order. The journal is for all the things I wish I could share on here but would be better to keep private. The cookbook is so that I can get cracking on all those things I can't wait to make...remember this?

Tonight is poker night. That's what new leaf, non-wedding planner has to say. Here's to all the great things that God has in store, planned and unplanned.

country to the core

2008-06-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

So I finally struck up the courage and I did it. I went back to my small town for a good friend's wedding. I am not sure what kept me, but I am glad I went back. I stopped along the way to take a picture of the sunset. God and I have a thing with sunsets. From the moment I headed down my old dirt road, I felt right. Everything was just how I remembered it, only better. The sun had just set, and everywhere there was the twinkling of hundreds of fireflies. My heart was just happy. Just as I was thinking of pulling over to talk to Brooklyn about the bugs, she squeals, "Mama, look at all the fireflies!!!!" We stopped and just watched the twinkling. The girl and I are kindred spirits. The older she gets, the more amazed I am at that truth.

We woke up the next morning to go fishin. I LOVE FISHING! I hadn't been in so long. Here is my niece and Brooklyn in the back of the truck...watching out for branches. We were on our way to the hole...
That's my girl. A girl and her pole. She is so much like me, its unbelievable.
Below, on the left is the all time best fisherman in the world. He has also caught the biggest Flathead to be found in the Midwest, shortly after he almost shot a 16 point buck, but before he caught the biggest bass in Kansas...oh, he'll tell you so. That's my brother, who now owns the land that I grew up on. We clash, in a huge way. But he's a whole lot of fun to fish with.

Next to my brother, is country boy Gabe. He's a whole lot of fun to fish with too. He helped Brooklyn hold her first fish. A gentle mannered, home grown, Kansas country boy...you can't help but love him. I am supposed to join him and a group of friends, for a Merle Haggard concert...I am very much looking forward to it! Its really nice how God just brings friends out of the woodwork, when He knows you really need them.

Before the day was over, all of us were soaked head to toe. Kansas summers are hot, so our fishin trip turned into a jump in the creek, lets swim kind of trip. I felt like a kid again. Brooklyn was walking through the water barefoot. I kept trying to get her to put her shoes on, she insisted that she go without...I'm telling ya, the girl is country to the core. We splashed each other, dunked each other, and caught creatures with our bare hands. Gabe even got Brooklyn to touch a crawdad! We had country music blaring from the truck. It was so much fun! Sometimes, when life feels crazy, the best thing a woman can do for herself is get back to her roots. On this day, in these moments, I was authentic. I was me. And the best part was seeing Brooklyn's roots grow.

I laid down with Brooklyn that night to snuggle while she fell asleep. She was exhausted. Before she nodded off...

Brooklyn: Mom, I gotta ask you sumpin.

Me: What do ya need to ask me?

Brooklyn: Well, I was thinkin...(pause, as she is really thinkin)

Me: Yeah...

Brooklyn: I was thinkin maybe we could get a river like Uncle Brett's.

Me: Me too! Did you have fun today?

Brooklyn: Yeah Mama. I like fishin.

We have been home since yesterday, and already she is asking to go back. While we were there we washed her horse, and she rode a little. She fed the chickens and helped my niece with her chores. She swam in the creek and caught frogs and touched fish and went on adventures. She was as happy as I have ever seen her, and I wish that I could give her that kind of life every single day. That is how I grew up. That is how I want her to grow up. (More on these plans in a future post.) Home sick for the country, we went on a country drive today. We used to do this a lot when she was teeny tiny and it was just the two of us. I would head out on the highway. I would pick any dirt road and just turn and drive. I would look at the beautiful country homes, the big old barns, the porches and the trees and the horses grazing, and just dream of a day when I would have that. I would put her in the front seat, turn on the country, and we would just look longingly at the homes we could only dream of. She would squeal with excitement any time she spotted a horse, and talk and talk about having a horsey. I promised her that one day, we would have a home in the country, and she would have her very own horse. I meant it. Today, I just picked a little town not too far, one I had never been to. We turned on the country and drove. Only this time, we had Charlotte in the back seat. It was perfect. It wasn't only me and my little girls, it was me and my best friend. We were silly and singing loudly. We stared out the windows longing for the same things...

Brooklyn: I sure do like all these trees.

Me: I love them.

Brooklyn: I sure do wish we could have a corn field.

Me: (laughing) Me too, babe.

Brooklyn: It sure would be neat if we just had some corn.

The girl was serious. She wants a corn field. The minute we move to the country, we are planting this girl a row of corn. Well, right after we find her a horse.

Another one of her "country to the core" moments:

We were walking with my niece Kyri. Brooklyn sorda slipped on some loose gravel.(this is another way she is just like me, so graceful :o) She hopped right up.

Kyri: Are you okay?

Brooklyn: Yeah, I'm okay. (dusting her hands off)

Me: (smiling) Are you sure? You kinda fell hard there...

Brooklyn: Yeah mom, that's just what cowgirls do.

Kyri and I start laughing.

Brooklyn: And that's how cowgirls just get right up, huh mama?

Me: That's right, Brookie.

My cup runneth over.

for you who are hurting

2008-06-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have spent so much of my life broken hearted.

Its true. I have spent years of my life in pain...usually hurting for things beyond my control, or for things I can't change, or things that happened to me that won't go away, no matter how badly I hurt for them. I have a feeling that God must be disappointed in my inability to hand my burdens over. He sent His son to die on the cross for me, He carried my cross. And yet I waste so much time and energy dealing with pain, figuring out why, clinging to my baggage. The truth of the matter is, I have lived so long this way that I don't know how to live differently. I have even mastered disguises to hide what is going on beneath the surface. I have prayed at the alter, in tears, asking God to take it from me. Then a year later I realize I have taken it back. I have gone through all the motions, and accomplished very little. Lately, I have been feeling differently. Lately I have felt like I am ready to unload. For quite a while I was feeling down, feeling like I had failed, feeling like I had officially become everything I never wanted to be. I am feeling more sure of myself than ever. I know what I want to be, as a mother. I know who I want to become, as an individual. I am learning that I am the only one in charge of my life. I have to make the right choices to protect and preserve my girls' lives. If I find myself in a place that I don't necessarily like, I have to do something about it. I can do something about it. I am learning that I am stronger than I ever realized. I am also learning that it is okay to lean on those who love you. I see that God created me just as I am, with great purpose for my life. And he doesn't want me to hurt. He doesn't want me to struggle. To Him, I am no failure. I am a prized creation, on the verge of something grand...undergoing the refining process so that I will be ready when my time comes. Anything is possible, and like I have said before, I think God can't wait to pour His blessings upon us.

So for whom this may concern, don't lose faith. Even when you feel so lost, so sad, and in so much pain, don't give up. If you find yourself feeling like you have failed, stop that voice inside. Shut it up. And start thinking of all the incredible possibilities for your life. If you are in pain, and you just need it to stop, pray. Start with praying, and keep praying. Pray while you brush your teeth, or on the way to work. Pray while you are on hold, or in the drive thru. Ask God to ease the pain. He will. Don't turn to what the world has to offer to ease your pain. That is dangerous, and it comes at such a high price. It will ultimately be destructive, and your pain will be tenfold. Never stop believing that this too shall pass, and when it does, you will rise up stronger and better for it. Make smart choices. Surround yourself with people who love you, who will protect you, who build you up and make you a better version of yourself...people who bring God to you when you don't know how to go to God. Buy a good book, and a $4 coffee. Rent a funny movie or get a pedicure. Try going to church. Just sitting in a sanctuary, or a place of worship, can bring peace. At times it will feel like it is all you can do to just get through the day, and that's okay. You will get through that day, and the next, and the one after that. Just don't lose faith, and never stop believing that you were meant to live for so much more.

I love you,

Kali

2008-06-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

Brooklyn has been inviting strangers to our house. A nice lady at our favorite taco place struck up a conversation with her. Brooklyn was showing her her newly manicured nails and next thing you know she's asking her if she wants to come over...silly girl. But I think I really like that about her, she is definitely a "more the merrier, anyone and everyone welcome, would you like some coffee" kind of girl. I know at this age I am supposed to be encouraging her not to talk to strangers, but that's just not her personality. I have been trying to figure out how I can tell her that there are some bad people out there, because she doesn't know a stranger and everyone she meets is her friend. She invites them over. Party at Brooklyn's place...

Charlotte is such a good baby. She is so smiley and happy almost all the time. She has discovered that she can make really high pitched sounds, and that is her new way of displaying discontent. Everything makes its way to her mouth, and she loves watching her big sister dance and sing. She is ticklish already, and gives those sorda-kinda kisses. She has a much more soft, quiet spirit, Brooklyn has the bubbly, bursting outward kind of spirit. And they are both so beautiful. I can't get enough of them.

My dad and step-mom are getting married tomorrow. They have been together for years and years, and it will be nice to see them get married. I am going to be taking pictures, and I am excited to see what I can do. Wish me luck!

6. take the girls to our local farmers' market, make a salad from organically grown, kansas farm produce, and explain to Brooklyn what that means
7. sing on a stage, somewhere
8. make a cherry pie, from scratch
9. sew aprons, matching ones, for me and the girls :o)

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. We are off to T-ball practice!

three lists

2008-06-09T13:44:00.000-07:00

The Rights of a Relationship:
This is from the YWCA site. I think it's a pretty cool list:
• The right to share equally with your partner in all decisions and responsibilities.
• The right to have friendships with both women and men outside of your relationship.
• The right to express your opinions and have them given the same respect and considerations as those of your partner.
• The right to have and express your sexual needs and desires without feeling guilty, demanding, selfish, or aggressive.
• The right to have your emotional, physical, intellectual, and economic needs be as important as the needs of your partner.
• The right to allow your partner to be responsible for their behavior rather than you being responsible for their behavior.
• The right to seek professional help.
• The right to NEVER be physically attacked, psychologically degraded, or verbally abused by your partner.
• The right to leave the relationship for a short or long time or to end the relationship if abuse occurs.
• The right to not blame yourself if the relationship in which you have invested so much love and effort is ended.

A friend sent me this list. It is indeed a pretty cool list.

Here is another list. Its a list of warning signs that your partner is an abuser.
- He gets too close to you when he's angry, puts a finger in your face, pokes you, pushes you, blocks your way or restrains you.
- He tells you that he is "just trying to make you listen."
- He raises a fist, towers over you, shouts you down, or behaves in any other way that makes you flinch or feel afraid.
- He makes vaguely threatening comments, such as, "You don't want to see me mad"
- He drives recklessly or speeds up when he's angry.
- He punches walls or kicks doors.
- He throws things around, even if they don't hit you.

Speaking of lists, I am starting a whole new kind of "to do" list. I am starting a list of things I want to do during my twenties. Most women who have survived their twenties, look back on them as a tough time, a learning time, a time they needed but wouldn't want to go through again. If they have to be tough (and they have been this far!) then I am going to live them. I am going to have fun discovering who I am. I am going to try things and do things with intention. I am going to be bold and daring and unique. My twenties may be tough, but they will be incredible!

Here are the first five of my list:
1. photograph a wedding
2. go back to school
3. learn to play the guitar
4. go skinny dipping (no boys allowed!)
5. see the counting crows in concert! (they'll be in KC in sept...its a girls night in the making:o)

I think of things to add all the time, so its gonna grow quickly!

Three lists that every woman should have...

2008-06-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

tonight a friend told me that he could tell i am a great mother. he has never seen me with my girls, hasn't even met them i don't believe. but just out of the blue he tells me he knows that i am a great mother...he said he could just tell. and it was genuine. maybe the best compliment i have ever received.

i went to church this evening. Mother Kate told me that i looked lovely. lovely was the exact word she used. i smiled, i knew what God was getting at.

i got out with two good girlfriends. we laughed a lot and ate chocolate cake and touched April's pregnant tummy. i loved touching her. there was a little life just on the other side of my hand. we sat at the table and listened to Kit play his sax, and Emma belt young lovers. i had fun.

we made our way outside, there was a beautiful sunset, and a rainbow waiting for me. i knew what God was getting at. given a choice, the rainbow wasn't the miracle i was looking for.

a good friend told me if there was anything i needed to give him a call. so did another friend as i bid he and his girlfriend goodnight. he smiled at me, he said, "i would say i'm sorry, but i'm not."

well i was.

i took third place at dominoes and decided to head home. another good friend stood outside smoking. he gave me a piece of paper with his name and number. he told me to call if i ever needed anything, or if i just wanted to hang out. i smiled. i was thankful for friends, for people who cared.

April told Emily that i was so beautiful. that meant something to me. more than any guy saying so. i want to be beautiful the way God makes me beautiful.

i made my way to my car. a stranger named lori asked for a ride to mcdonalds, then she wanted me to buy her a meal from mcdonalds. she said she was six months pregnant. she wanted a ride home from mcdonalds. she was having a boy. her baby's daddy was supposed to meet her, but never showed up. i took her home. before she got out of my car she asked for money for her baby sitter. had i had any, i might have given her some. i told her i had no cash, and apologized. she got out of my car, without a thank you. took the meal i bought her, and that was that. i made sure she made it to her door...

tonight, at church, the message was for me. "sometimes we have to become completely helpless in order to grow closer to God..."
i hope that is what this is all about...because its killing me. my heart aches all the time. no matter who keeps me company or who shows they care, who invites me out or what natural wonder i see, no matter who finds me beautiful or who i laugh with, no matter the smiles i receive or the people i help...it just aches. My heart just aches.

i made it through today. i hope tomorrow is easier.

goodnight, loved ones.

puppy, pretties, and a playhouse

2008-06-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

Here he is! Meet Winston...and his best buddy. He is around five months old. He's a really good puppy. He uses the puppy pads or goes outside. He sleeps with Brooklyn during nap time, lets her dress him up and carry him everywhere! She sure does love him.

I haven't really made it out to any thrift stores or garage sales. Its a shame! I have a feeling that this is a great year for garage sales. I have got to get to some! These are my most recent finds. The item on the far left has a glass cup insert for a candle. It has a really pretty patina. I was excited to find the large milk glass vase. I haven't come across one this big before. I absolutely love the little vintage lamp. It works! And it only cost $1.99! I am going to have to find a sweet little shade for it.

This is part of our new back yard. See the shed with the ivy growing on the side? This is the future playhouse! It needs a few modifications, some flowers for sure, and it will be perfect! There is a pear tree in the far corner, but you can't really see it in this photo. The biggest tree has some perfect branches for a swing!

Here is my sleepy Charlotte. She is so sweet! She is getting so big! She laughs the cutest laugh. Brooklyn is holding her right now, and I overheard her telling Charlotte, "I think your mom is crazy!" From the mouths of babes... :o)

I've got more to share. I have been at war with a wall paper border. (Who invented wall paper, anyway? Why borders? Yuck!) I think the border has nearly won...

Happy Thursday!

2008-06-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for great pedicures, great books, and great friends. My good friend Emily got some girls together for pedicures. If you have never had one, I so strongly encourage you to get one! This was only like my third one, but if I had the extra money I would get one once a month during the summer. A true, no matter what, night or day kind of friend is a rare find. Emily is one of those. I am lucky to have her. She brought me this lovely book:

It is full of great sewing projects. It has been so long since I have sewn, but I would like to start again. Maybe someday I will have some things to offer in my own etsy shop! I have been reading this book:

This book was apparently written for me. At least it is proven to be absolutely perfect for this time of my life. I am finding things to highlight on nearly every page. The book is based on Psalm 23. I am really loving this book. Its about releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear...its incredible. This morning the girls and I sat outside on the deck. Me with my coffee and this book, Brooklyn with her fingernail polish. Then we laid on a blanket under a tree. Charlotte just loves being outside. I wouldn't mind starting every day that way.

I took Brooklyn to the pool this afternoon. She had a blast! My mom even stole away from work to join us poolside. I just love being with my mom. When she allows herself to just be, just relax and stop working, she is so much fun. I am very sunburned. I hope to take Brooklyn and Charlotte once a week.

I am going to have pictures soon...of our new addition, of Brooklyn's first T-ball game, of our new home. I haven't had a lot of time to upload pictures, but I will soon.

take care, friends.

what might have been

2008-06-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

Here is my dress. In just over a week it will be someone else's dress. But I love it dearly. It represents so much more than just a brand and a dress. My mom surprised me by paying way too much money for it. I showed it to my would have been mother-in-law, and she said it was incredible...she said it looked like me. It was, and is, the perfect dress for me. I think the reason it is most special, is because my mom wanted me to have the dress that I wanted. I really felt undeserving of all the costs associated with a wedding, and then she went above and beyond to buy me the very dress I wanted. I never put it on. I have thought about it. But I won't. I might not want to take it off! :o) I will miss her. I will never forget.

In addition to selling my beloved wedding dress, my wedding band arrived yesterday. I know. Timing is everything. I have been wearing it. I think I will keep it. I haven't decided what it will represent now, but it will have a special meaning. Maybe a promise ring to myself- to God. Right now all I see when I look at it is what might have been...

I know I said I would stick to home stuff. But where can you be honest if not on your blog? Honestly, my heart aches in ways I didn't know it could. From time to time, I feel completely hopeless. I don't really know what to do. But I look at my girls, and things start to make sense. They smile at me, or we all snuggle together in bed at nap time, or we dance to the radio, and I have little moments when I forget how much I am hurting. And I remember what this life is really all about.

The upside, if there is one, about an unengagement dress selling: My mom wants to take the money from the dress and send me here...to Learnfest...a three day photography seminar, on an island of North Carolina. The photographers that will be teaching/presenting are absolutely amazing. Amazing isn't even a strong enough word. They are just so talented. Their photographs are so powerful. I am praying for this trip. I am praying about everything lately. But this would be such an incredible opportunity to learn...in my own little cottage...on the water...no cars allowed...by myself...just me and my camera, and other photographers to learn with and from.

I am going back to school in the fall. I am very excited! I have tried to go back a few times, but haven't been able to balance work/school/being a mom. Now that I am jobless, I think this is the perfect time to go back. Its time to focus and work hard. All I have to do is think about giving my girls a better life, and I feel ready. My mom was 27 when she went back to school. And she waited tables full time. I am so proud of her story, how determined she was and how hard she worked. It makes me believe in myself more. I hope one day my daughters are as proud of me.

I am so thankful.

Today I am just thankful to be alive. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for a roof over my head. I am thankful for two healthy girls. They say, that when things are really really hard, to count your blessings. I am so blessed.

2008-05-31T15:07:00.001-07:00

This next week we will start moving...again...but I am so excited!! There is really no rush to move, so I am going to take my time and do things right. One room at a time...that's my motto!
Actually, its more like "one day at a time".

I am starting with the girls' rooms. That's right. You read rooms. Plural. As in they will each have their very own room!!! I debated on making them continue to share, and I might in the future. But for now they will each have their own space. I have a little of Brooklyn's purple paint left, so I think I will paint one of her walls with that, the rest white. I am going to paint Charlie's room a light apricot color. I don't know why the idea struck me, but I can't get the color out of my head and I thought it would be a great color for her little nursery. When I told my mom I wanted that color for her, she said it looked like her. I know she is only three months old, but its true! My posts, at least for a while, will be about home projects. This is for your sake, and mine. :o) So be ready for lots of b&a pictures, a few complaints (I've got some serious wall paper removal ahead of me) but mostly some great changes- for the better.

Beverly and Nita: Thank you so much for your comments. I can't tell you what they mean to me. It is so nice to know that people care...and they take time to read a blog about one girl's life. I feel really blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, one more thing. We have a new baby. He is so stinkin cute. He was unplanned, but welcomed. We just can't get enough of him! I will introduce you next time!

love,
kali

2008-05-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

Mathew 7:24 "Everyone who listens to these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. 25 The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house. But it did not collapse; it had been set solidly on rock. 26 And everyone who listens to these words of mine but does not act on them will be like a fool who built his house on sand. 27 The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and buffeted the house. And it collapsed and was completely ruined."

Thanks, Emily.

2008-05-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, just when you think everything is coming together, it all falls apart.

Give me a little time. I'll be back.

love,
Kali

Things I am saving for:

2008-05-19T21:29:00.001-07:00

I think I will paint the bed...not sure what color. I'm gonna need a basket for the bike. A new slipcovered couch for my new home!!! :o)

Wisdom Extracted :o)

2008-05-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

So I had my wisdom teeth pulled this morning. And I must admit, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I walked in the room, sat down, they hooked monitors up to me with those oxygen tubes up my nose. My doctor started an I.V. and said I would start to get light headed. I did. And then I was off to subconscious world! I woke up with less teeth, and a numb tongue/face, and gauze stuffed in my cheeks. Austin brought me home, went and got my prescriptions, brought me some "soup at hand" and took care of the girls all day. I wish it didn't take oral surgery, but its kinda nice being waited on while I lay on the couch...laptop nearby...remote in hand...under a quilt. By the evening I was changing Charlotte's poopy diaper, and taking dishes to the sink...but it was nice while it lasted. And honestly, I wish I could've milked this throughout the evening, but I am really feeling pretty dang good.

Let me tell you what God is doing in my life.

He has been blessing me in ways I could have never imagined. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to celebrate my wedding with my family and friends. I feel blessed to have two healthy, lovely daughters. I feel blessed to have Austin. I feel blessed to be able to stay at home. I feel His love all around me. And on top of all the incredible things in my life, I am blessed, yet again, in a grand way. Austin and I are going to have the opportunity to move into a much bigger home for a price that we can afford...even less expensive then the little cottage we are currently living in. Our new home sits on one acre with several trees. (Including a pear tree!) It has five bedrooms, 3.5 baths, a formal dining area, a large deck in back, and a porch swing in front!!! It is pretty much a blank slate, decoratively speaking. There is a large finished family area downstairs, and a cute little shed in back with ivy growing on one side. I am going to turn it into a playhouse for the girls!!! I am so excited! And to think, just months ago I was losing my job, living in my grandma's basement, sleeping on a couch, desperate and lost. I couldn't see how I would possibly be able to provide the life I wanted for my girls. And God heard my cries. And He opened doors. He is faithful. And I am going to use my home to bless others. Who knows, maybe I will create a photography studio in one of the rooms and shoot from my home... :o) There will be many dinners for my mom and friends. Poker nights al fresco with good food and kiddos running through the yard. Slumber parties with giggly little girls, fingernail polish, chocolate chip cookies and rootbeer floats to make. (gotta let those moms have some time to themselves, or maybe dates with their sweeties) I have so many ways I want to bless others. I am blessed to be a blessing.

Lately I have been praying for a ministry. I have been praying for a ministry all of my adult life. And a few years ago a very wise woman told me that Brooklyn was my ministry. At least for that time in my life, she was right. But I am praying for a ministry in addition to the two little ones I already have. It feels close.

I believe God just can't wait to pour His love out on us. I think He is just bubbling at the brim with blessings He just can't wait to give. Now I am going to give back. Of myself, of my means, of my home...

2008-05-18T12:34:00.001-07:00

You remember what I said about being indecisive???

I have a new wedding dress. And Ladies, this one is...I can't even come up with a word!!!

I wish I could share pictures, but for now I will give you a hint:

MONIQUE LHUILLIER!!!!!!!!

It is unique and incredible and lovely and soft and not white and beautiful!!!!! And my sweet mom who is all of the above except she is white made it happen!!!

All silliness aside...I am so blessed.

2008-05-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

My good friend Emily came over today. All the stores in the design district are staying open late the third Thursday of the month. So we spent the afternoon making great food for her store. I should have taken pictures, everything was so pretty! White sangria with white peaches, raspberries, and honey dew melon afloat...a yummy yet simple bean dip with sugar snap peas and grape tomatoes for dipping...dried apricots with goat cheese and basil...it was all beautiful! I love food. I love touching and tasting, preparing and colors, and most of all, I love blessing others with food. Maybe I should start a catering business...Or maybe a cafe...or bakery... :o)

There is a lady in my neighorhood who deals in antiques. She has a garage sale most every spring, and there is usually always a great deal to be had. I didn't have lots of time, but I stopped in this morning. I found a big box of old softballs for 50 cents each. I asked how much for the whole box, to which she replied $5! I am trying to come up with a way to incorporate softballs in our reception decorations, seeing as how we met playing ball. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

My mothers day gift from my honey:

I know, I am so behind the times!!! The best gift of the day was a letter he wrote. I think every mother deserves a letter, at least once a year.

2008-05-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

Here I am!!!!

The girls are just a growin'. Like flowers. We took Charlotte on her first camping trip, and it was so much fun! Brooklyn has her first t-ball practice coming up, I am so excited to see how she likes it. Today we are going to buy her the dress. I have told her that it is her wedding day too. She wants a ring like mine. So I think I am going to have to buy her a little ring.

Sorry to be so short, but I will be back soon. I thought I would share one of the roses in my bouquet:

Its one of three white roses in my bouquet. I love white roses. I love all roses, really.

I didn't realize there were so many little details to a wedding...so many decisions. Its cruel and unusual punishment for an indecisive girl like me! I don't even like to pick where we go out to eat, and Austin doesn't mind picking...thats why we work so well. Now they want me to pick flowers and colors and foods and invites. Really though, once I started making decisions of what I want, I have discovered its really pretty fun.

2008-05-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

Wedding planning is nuts. Its just plain nuts. Okay, its 80% nuts to 20% fun. I get why people elope.

I am very slowly marking things off the to do list. Yesterday my mom and I bought "the dress" from a sweet little bridal shop downtown. I knew I would probably need to buy one off the wrack, I couldn't wait 6 months for a dress to arrive. I picked out four. Tried them on, with only my moms assistance. Never left the dressing room to parade around. Took one look in the mirror with each dress on, and either dismissed or maybe'd. I picked the third dress. It was just a little too snug, but I am losing, and want to lose more. I should be good. The neckline needs a little modification (it just goes a little too low for my taste) but other than that it is perfect. It was the cheapest of the four, and an additional 25% off (it was the shop's one year anniversary!)...my kind of dress!!!

I am having a dilemma with bridesmaids attire. I really want them to wear something they would be comfortable in, in whatever color they like. I am not so much worried that their dresses match the table settings. I don't really get the matchy thing.

I really want to know what you all think. Seriously. Please post on your thoughts on bridesmaids' attire...

happy tuesday!!!

darling dishes

2008-05-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

There is something about pretty dishes, every girl should have some. I can't help but wonder why they don't make dishes like they used to. Why don't we sip tea from sweet little cups and saucers? I am certain that my girls and I will have many sits at an outdoor table in the sun. We will drink tea and eat pie on lovely dishes, as though they were made just for us. We will laugh and admire our garden and I will just sit and listen to them. I will look on with admiration at the beautiful girls that I get to call my own. And for them, I will always get out the good dishes...

Here is some of the collection I have. No matter what my circumstance, I have always been able to afford pretty dishes. I found the pink wine glasses at goodwill for $1 a piece! I remember at the time $8 was a lot for me to spend. A few of the pieces were my great grandmother's, but the rest I found at goodwill and garage sales. I don't really host much, but I would like to. I am thinking I might plan a dinner...no boys allowed. Just the women and girlies I love. And the table will be set in hues of white, pink, and blue dishes. Dishes I loving looked for, and brought home, to their little place in my cupboard...much more fitting for such pretties, rather than being tossed on shelves, or jammed in boxes in someones garage.

Dishes. Who knew dishes could bring such joy?

little ladies

2008-05-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

Its hard to get things done when the weather is so nice! Its even harder when you have the best park within walking distance...

Little miss Charlotte has blue eyes. I have green, her dad has brown. We aren't exactly sure where they came from. They are such a pretty blue. Of course, I think everything about her is just so pretty. Two pretty little ladies...

I am so blessed.

2008-05-01T17:23:00.000-07:00

Austin proposed to me last July.

As I have stated before, I am commitment phobic. And I had decided that I would never get married. With the divorce rate at 64%+, it seemed like marriage had lost its meaning. I found it hard to trust myself, coming from a "multiple marriage" kind of home. But somewhere, deep inside, I held out for my dream of marriage. A God centered marriage, with a best friend, a good man who would love loyally and faithfully. One who would be an incredible father, a hard worker, an honest man who knew the value of a woman. Did such a thing exist?

I was completely caught of guard when he proposed. I didn't see it coming. Sure, we just found out we were expecting, but I specifically told him I didn't want that to change anything. Little did I know he had been talking to his parents about proposing to me for quite some time. He opened that little blue box, down on his knee, with that smile on his face, and asked me so eagerly as Brooklyn was giddy with excitement. And before I could reply, my heart said yes. Before my brain could send the signal to my vocal chords to give him an answer, my heart just said yes. I was shocked. What was happening to me? Was my heart trusting in ways my brain couldn't? Did my cynical stance on marriage give way for my own beautiful, fairytale moment? Or was that God? I thought back to the day following our very first date...I told my mom I thought I had met the man I was going to marry. It was me indulging in the dream.

I have to take a moment to talk about the ring. It is my perfect ring. Very vintage, lots of tiny diamonds, and the center diamond was in his mother's ring. It is flawless. Austin picked it out. There is something special about a man picking an engagement ring, one that he thinks suits you. He went into a local family owned jewelery store downtown, and looked over many settings before he picked the very one he thought was perfect for me. And it is perfect.

And recently, I have actually felt ready to be married. It has taken going through some serious struggles, finding out just what we are made of. It has taken hours of counseling, and sorting through the baggage, disposing of the crap we have both been carrying for far too long. It has taken serious prayer. It has taken very hard work at maintaining a commitment, when anyone else would throw in the towel.

I think it does exist...the kind of marriage I dream of. I think for as beautifully wonderful as it can and will be, it takes a proportionate amount of very hard work. Sometimes, when things get rough, its just a matter of waking up and vowing that on that day, you will not give up. So for what its worth, my experiences have taught me a few things. It is essential that your partner be your very best friend. It is essential that you build your relationship on a foundation that can't be broken, for me that was God. And counseling...lots of counseling...preferably before you tie the knot.

master bedroom inspiration

2008-04-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

Almost time to start on my room...I found these pictures for inspiration. What do you think?

Still undecided on a wall color...

2008-04-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

We've been moving all day chicken:

1 pkg chicken breasts, about four or five

1 pkg Good Seasonings italian dressing mix

2 tablespoons butter

1 can cream of mushroom soup

1 container whipped cream cheese w/ chives (8 oz)

1/2 c white cooking wine or chicken stock

1 small can mushrooms

Preheat oven to 375. Melt the butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add the package of italian dressing mix, stir to mix with butter. Add chicken breasts, cook until golden. While chicken is cooking, mix the mushroom soup, whipped cream cheese, mushrooms, and white wine in a seperate bowl. You can use a mixer, or just stir it really well until ingredients are combined. Place chicken in a baking dish, I used an 8x8 dish. Pour mushroom mixture over chicken. Bake 30-40 minutes, until done. I made brown rice while the chicken baked, but I think it would be great with egg noodles or no yolk noodles. After a day of moving and organizing, I made this meal for my mom and Austin. There weren't any leftovers, even Brooklyn had seconds! Pair it with a vegetable and your favorite blush/white wine, and enjoy!

2008-04-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

My sweet baby Charlie is two months old now. She loves eating, being held while we dance to music, the birdies that twirl around on her swing, and eating....especially eating. In fact, right now she is working on some stinky pants. Soon she will be hungry again. :o) She often falls asleep right after she is done making stinky pants...all that work really wears her out!

I was so surprised the other day to receive a package from one of my best friends from high school. Enclosed were these lovely bibs and burp cloths. They are all embroidered with her name in different fonts, so pretty! Laura was always one of the most thoughtful people. Every act of kindness counts. Her thoughtfulness made me cry. Receiving unexpected letters/cards/gifts in the mail is absolutely one of my favorite things!!!

I have some exciting news to share! I have found an incredible photographer who is going to mentor me!!! I am going to make a trip to L.A. to spend some time with her. I really love her work and I feel like this opportunity is an answer to prayer! She is really a brilliant photographer and there is so much to be learned from her. You can check her out here. She has been so kind and encouraging and I am so thankful to have this chance!

For now, I am trying to get moved in and organized. I have more clothes than any two women should have. Brooklyn has so many toys, many of which she doesn't play with. So at any given time you can find me on my way to goodwill, getting rid of more stuff. Today has been a quiet day of laundry and Gilmore Girls. I am washing all of our bedding in white lilac tide and I am even ironing our sheets. I love Gilmore Girls. I only recently started watching it, but now I think I need the dvds.

So Charlotte's nodding off. She must be done with the making of the stinky pants. You wouldn't believe the stink this girl is capable of...

I'm alive, and moving... (yucky)

2008-04-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

My goodness, it has been awhile! I have been moving into our little house, cleaning, arranging, re-arranging, organizing...best of all- shedding "stuff"!!! I have some new finds to share, some pictures from around our cottage, updates on future plans...so check back soon!

Tonight: Off to my bi-weekly poker night!!!! And I'm feeling lucky!!!!

I wish you all well! I can't wait to share more! I am hoping to get some time tomorrow!

(Wow, I'm getting a little generous with the exclamation points! :o)

Meet me here, tomorrow.

dreaming and doing, continued

2008-04-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

So I have been keeping this a secret. I haven't shared. I have been afraid to. For some reason I am feeling like taking a risk...

I want to be a photographer.

There, I said it. For starters, its monumental to get me to commit to anything other than my girls. I am indecisive and commitment-phobic. The thought of making a living, or not, based solely on one of my abilities...well that makes me feel vulnerable. And I don't like it. I have had more people tell me that I should pursue photography, and that it is my calling. Whats up with this calling stuff, anyway? If we are going to call it a "calling" then it ought to be telephoned right to us...so we know. So we don't doubt and question and talk ourselves out of moving toward it. I know its sad, but nobody knows what it takes for me to believe that I might be great at something...that I just might have been given a gift.

This is what I dream of:

I dream of taking pictures, beautiful pictures. I dream of calling attention to the details that overwhelm me, that others rarely notice. I dream of relationships with little human beings- watching them grow and change. I don't want to get rich. I want to offer incredible quality for a reasonable amount of money, because I know what it is like to be single, living paycheck to paycheck. I took up the camera because I wanted unique, beautiful pictures of Brooklyn, and I couldn't afford a decent portrait studio or photographer. Fine artwork of the most beautiful parts of ourselves, our lives, shouldn't only be available to those who have hundreds of dollars to spend. My mom paid for newborn pictures of Brooklyn. She paid several hundred dollars. If I didn't have her generosity, I wouldn't have been able to have those pictures. And they are beautiful, but I have a confession: Eight hundred and some dollars later, I looked at those portraits and thought- Should have had her buy me a camera, I could have taken better pictures.
And I want to start a program, in addition to the services I will offer to the general public. I want to start a program for foster kids/local children's home. Oftentimes those kids grow up with hardly any pictures of themselves as children. I want to take their pictures. I want to create unique albums that they can keep forever. I want them to know that it was important to someone that they have their pictures taken.
I don't know what will develop (no pun intended :o) of this dream I have. But it won't change tomorrow. I have chosen it. Or maybe it has chosen me. I am learning. I have even gone so far as to ask others for help (gasp!) and I know that God will orchestrate something. I know I have to get to the right place, before I can offer myself completely to this. The time is not now, but it is soon. Real soon.
In the mean time, I am thankful for this season. A season of rest, of mothering, of long days with just my little girls, of the beginning stages of living a dream.

I am living. Indeed I am.

Thanks Nita, for putting things in perspective.

Thanks Mom and Dad, for giving me a place for the dreams to flourish.

More Goodies!

2008-04-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

new goodies!

This picture doesn't do this dress justice! It is a deep rust red color, a tea length, and made of silk. You can barely see it, but the neckline is beautiful! My dad and step-mom are getting married in June and they are using the family tartan, (Scottish, and very red) so I might wear this dress. Its so flowy and feels good against my skin, the kinda dress that makes you feel a little more like a lady :o) But the best part about this dress is...regular price $189.oo, and I bought it for $33!!!

Then I found this necklace:

I love the "knot on purpose" and the pretty muted gold tone of the metal...and the sparklie. The rose is about the size of like a fifty cent piece. More and more I am being drawn to chunkier jewelry. This is a kenneth cole reaction necklace, normally $38.00 and I bought it for $9!

Here are my favorite recent finds:

I think the little pitcher and bowl might be McCoy, but I am not sure...I am going to have to do some investigating. It has the slightest periwinkle hue, just needs some flowers! My most favorite find is the little vintage baby lamb! Look at her lovely little bow! I am going to find her a home in the girls' room...high on a shelf! I loved the wide blush colored ribbon, I will find some creative way to use it. And finally, this throw is the perfect light blush color. It is very soft, and rather large for a throw. I am thinking this would be pretty on the foot of my bed, or maybe draped on my new rocker glider. I love when you find an item as useful as it is pretty and for a great price!

I keep trying to get some pictures of Charlotte, but every time I get those little smiles and go to grab the camera, I wind up with shots like these:

She doesn't really like the camera...

Today we are off to sign Brooklyn up for T-ball! She is very excited. I am excited too. More updates on our cottage soon!!!

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

dreaming and doing

2008-04-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

"First, think. Second, believe. Third, dream. And finally, dare."

- Walt Disney

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a dreamer. For people like me, the possibilities are endless. Along with my dreamer spirit, I have two other important qualities. I am smart. My dad says its a good thing being smart, people need smart people. The other, more important quality- I love people. I have a heart for people. Not necessarily any particular group...just everyone. I spend a lot of time sitting around and dreaming up ways that I could serve people. The purpose of this post is not to toot my own horn, so to speak...quite the opposite, actually. I am sick and tired of dreaming. I am sick and tired of sitting around and imagining. I am sick and tired of the "one days" and "some days"- they are exhausting me. I am sick and tired of living but not living. Cutting coupons and thumbing through potterybarn kids was not how I dreamt of spending my days.
When I was in high school I dreamt of moving to some big city, any big city, anywhere but Kansas. I would follow in the footsteps of my Mother, conquering the business world and collecting six figures. It wasn't a matter of getting in to college, it was more a matter of picking which college I wanted to attend. I wanted to see and do and meet all kinds of people. I wanted to push myself, and believed that I could do anything I wanted to. And I could have.
When I got pregnant, I dropped out of high school to support myself. It was always understood, that if I made that grown up choice, I was going to live like a grown up. Having already lived on my own since I was 16, it wasn't a drastic change. But I quit. I quit school with a 3.8 gpa and excellent ACT scores and I only needed a semester of government to graduate. I lived in some crappy little apartment and went to work everyday. I was only half there, never really living up to my potential. Brooklyn's dad stayed at his college because it was so important that he finish the semester- I think the only class he passed was a lifting class. I had no friends in Wichita. My mom lived an hour away, and our relationship was strained. I have never felt more alone in all my life. There were nights I would sleep with my Bible because I was so scared. And as my belly grew out, my dreamer spirit faded. Life was more about surviving day to day. I still have dreams about walking and receiving my diploma with the rest of my class. I wish I could say I worked hard for my gpa and my ACT scores. I didn't. I wish I could explain my own self destruction, which still haunts me from time to time. I don't know why, when I was so close to finishing with flying colors, I made decisions I knew would compromise everything. I honestly don't know why. Worst of all, I don't know why I let circumstance crush my spirit- the loving, happy, dreamer spirit. Seeing Brooklyn for the first time, was the first moment I felt like I was getting myself back. I went through a series of painful "events" that left me feeling worthless. He cheated on me, and I had to feel the pain? What sense did that make? After many "last chances" I began the mourning process. Let me be specific: I began to mourn the loss of a life I so badly wanted to provide for Brooklyn. It was a life I never had, that I always promised myself I would provide for my children. I struggled with the decision for a long time, but making the choice to have self -respect saved my life.
I am so glad that my life didn't work out the way I dreamt it would in high school. Now, I can even say I am glad that I went through that lonely period. I am thankful that I experienced betrayal in its most ugly form because I was forced to find my true worth from the One who created me, rather in the weak love of a boy I shared a daughter with.
I think maybe my point is this: Dreaming is incredibly important. But its the "doing" that really matters. And sometimes failed dreams are huge blessings, leading you on to even bigger and better dreams. So I think I am going to start to have more of a "doing" spirit. I have no idea who really reads my posts, other than my mom. But for anyone who has found themselves in an especially lonely, unfulfilled, scary, or even sad place in their lives- know that my prayers are with you. And it is my intention to stop dreaming, and start doing something to help. Its just a matter of figuring out what that means exactly...

TO BE CONTINUED...

green, purple, and silly

2008-03-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

The green is coming back to my beds! The lambs ear below is a fun plant for kids, its fuzzy, grows well in shade, and its a fairly hardy plant.

I have finished painting the walls of the girls' room! Here is a sneak peek:

I haven't touched up the trim yet, but see the lovely old door knob? I love that our house has many of its original details. Such a pretty knob for a little closet door. So here is Brooklyn's romantic purple...silly girl. Speaking of silly, here are some pictures of Brooklyn in all her silliness. Can you believe she did her make-up all by herself?!?! Never a dull moment at our house!

2008-03-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Three posts in one day, I'm outta control!

I have been painting the girls' room, and so now I am all excited about decorating! The purple that Brooklyn picked is very pretty. I have to admit, when I first started cutting out the room I wondered if the purple would be too dark. Then Brooklyn came in and said, "Oh mom, its just so romantic!"

I asked her, "What's romantic?"
She replied, "This purple!"
Isn't she a nut? I knew then that it was the perfect purple.

For the girls' bedding, I have collected linens of all kinds. I'm kinda going for a mis-matched, but same family kind of look. I love floral prints, but I didn't want too much pink. (I know, some say you can never have too much pink :o) I found a pretty crib sheet from pottery barn kids some time ago:

I bought the crib sheet in blue. I really like this vintage inspired print, but I want to fade it. I found this article from Martha's website. I did buy two crib sheets (they were only like $12!) so I suppose there is room for error, but I know bleach is a tricky thing and I have never tried to fade a fabric before. I think I will try tomorrow, so wish me luck! Anyone with any fabric fading advice, send it my way!

I can't wait to post some "after" pictures!!!

blue possibilities...

2008-03-27T19:42:00.000-07:00

The fun part about a little cottage house is that it doesn't have to be serious. When painting and decorating you can take chances and be playful. That said, I am thinking about painting my front door blue...

I am thinking a muted robins egg blue color...what do you think?? :o)

2008-03-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

March has nearly come and gone! The time sure does fly. And with the signs of spring (green grass, even the rare dandelion, birds singing :o) we are all already starting to experience some new beginnings.

Yesterday my mom, the girls and I headed to our cottage to work in the yard. So much to do inside, but we were just excited to work outside. It blessed my heart to see my plants peeping through. As I was pulling weeds and clumps of crab grass, I told my mom that I actually like the smell of dirt...and horse manure. We like the smell of dirt and horse manure. So for those of you making your way outside to work in your gardens, don't forget to take time to stop and smell the dirt! I so love Spring!!

My sweetie came over after a very long day at work and helped me in the girls' room. I told him he better be careful, he might start coming home to a honey do list! It is so nice to have family and sweeties to work with, it makes work fun. For all those home projects I recommend two things:

1. a sweetie/loved one/friend

2. the dyson...its magical!

2008-03-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have been doing really well not spending money. And last night, I fell off the wagon. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I did it with a smile on my face. It went on sale, and so I had to buy this:

Is that not the prettiest blue? And if you click on the dress it will take you to the cite where you can zoom in to see the pretty little purple flower embroidery. Charlotte in blue, and Brooklyn in:

This little number was on sale too! I tried to avoid the temptation, and I almost did...but I had to go look at the online "sale wrack" in Charlotte's sizes too. And there it was. And it matched this little number, and it was on sale, and I could take their pictures together this summer...(the thought process of a recovering addict :o) And I bought it:

Everything was on sale...and I got $25 in gymboree bucks back...and I am getting ready to sell some of their clothes on ebay...and I didn't buy the little shoes...

Oh the justification of indulgence...

Alright. I am back on the wagon.

a quarters worth of ponderings...

2008-03-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

It might be a quarter life crisis, or maybe just postpartum hormones returning to normal- but I have been thinking a lot about all those heavy things.

I have always been a planner, dreamer, future thinker. I have never been very good at living in the moment. I always have the excitement of my dreams for the future in the back of my mind. Lately I have this voice saying "Don't settle".

So what does it mean to settle? I am not sure. Is it each individuals responsibility to identify what exactly they want in their lives- in a job, home, family, spouse- and refuse to accept less? Why does it feel almost selfish? And on these levels, is it perfectly okay to be selfish?
How do personal desires and pursuits correlate with living for God? I believe that God gives us the desires of our hearts. But I have also heard the saying "if you don't want to do it, its probably what God wants you to do".

Whats worse, if upon defining what I want for my life and my girls I realize that my current state is "settling"- is it my responsibility to them to create change? Is refusing to remain complacent with the life you have the hardest part of getting the life you want?

I understand the circumstances that have brought me to the place I am at. I get it. I know that life is short...real short. I want to live a full life, and a quarter of it has already come and gone...

2008-03-11T22:55:00.000-07:00

I read a newspaper article about a family of six. They were driving home from a vacation in Colorado when somehow they crossed traffic and hit a semi head on. The father, son, and one daughter were killed instantly- leaving behind the mother and two daughters. In the wake of such tragedy, one of the daughters wrote in a note to her friend:

"I just pray that a lot of good can come out of this. I am so excited to see what God wanted Mom, Avery and me to live for."

Incredible. I am in awe of God, that He wraps His arms around some so tightly that amidst tragic loss and immense pain, they feel Him all the while. I praise Him for the peace He gives and the hope that follows. Reading this article was a blessing...a reminder of what its really all about.

You can read the article here.

It made me more excited to be alive.

carpet,heat,fabric & a new friend

2008-03-07T20:20:00.000-08:00

Progress is being made around here! The carpet has been installed and it looks really nice. (I will post pictures tomorrow) The heater has FINALLY been installed. Today I made a trip to a tiny little town to a tiny little upholstery shop to pick out fabric for my settee. I wish I would have snapped some before pictures. The settee is one I have had for quite some time. My mom and I found it on an antiquing trip in Oklahoma. It is a beautiful hand carved piece from the 1800's. After rummaging through many upholstery books, I settled on a simple cream fabric. I thought I would just pick a cream colored cotton fabric, but I thought she deserved a little sparkle so I chose a fabric with more of a sheen to it. I can't wait to see the finished product!

The upholstery store in a town of nearly 800 people, was ran by a lovely couple. The wife was the only one in the store, her husband is sick with cancer. She was the most bubbly woman and shared many stories over a brief time. She told me about how she and her husband got started in the business. She showed me projects she was working on. I couldn't help but notice her hands. They were so arthritic and it nearly hurt me to look at them. She was telling me about her husband, how she fixes him up in a recliner in their store and gives him projects to keep him busy. Today, she left him home with "his sports" and decided to come work. She likes her work. And I like her.

I appreciate those chance encounters- the ones that teach you something. I saw something in her that I hope to be...all while picking out fabric.

2008-03-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

ahhhh, nap time...blessed nap time...

Both the girls are asleep. This is a beautiful thing. Praise Jesus for nap time!

Our carpet is being installed tomorrow! I have realized that I took a lot for granted. While this living situation has been humbling to say the least, it has made me appreciate things. Things like BEDROOMS. I can't wait to have a bedroom, and for my girls to have a bedroom.

We don't get out much round here, but as soon as we do, we will be buying seeds and peat pots. Brooklyn and I are going to start our vegetables.

Speaking of getting out, my mom is going to watch the girls this evening so that I can play poker. Yep, thats right. I LOVE poker. Its free poker, but its free poker with great friends and lots of laughter and I usually kick butt. This will be my first time ever being away from Charlotte since she was born, but who better to watch her than my mom?

Charlotte is awake...and hungry...I'll be back soon :o)

2008-02-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

Having a baby changes things.

I am falling in love all over the place.

I fell in love when I saw Charlotte for the first time. I fell more in love with Brooklyn when I watched as she held her and kissed her and brushed her hair so softly. I fell more in love with my mom, as she provided the comfort that only a mother can. I fell more in love with Austin's family, for sharing in such a beautiful moment in my life. For the first time, I really felt like they were my family- we are all family. Everyone just belonged to each other, in some way. Even our friends that came to visit felt more like family. Having Charlotte in our world and so many people who wanted to be a part of that made me feel loved. And as much as I thank God for bringing her here safely, I praise Him for all the amazing people He has put in my life.

And of all the ways I'm falling, I am falling hardest for Austin. He was everything I needed him to be from the moment we stepped foot in the hospital. He was strong and steady and gentle and loving, and I couldn't have done it without him. And however sad it may be, it was the first time ever that I allowed myself to completely need him- or any man for that matter. And I don't want to go back to the way I was before. I don't want to go back to the guarded girl, always having an exit strategy. Because I don't want to lose Austin, ever. I don't want to push him away because I keep him in the box that the men in my past had built. Austin is my very best friend, and I could never be without him. God has taught me a lot about love lately. He has shown me what love isn't, but more than that, He has shown me what love is.

Having our daughter hasn't magically made all our problems disappear. But it has brought us closer in a way that I can't describe. Every time I watch Austin wrap her up so gently, or just stare at her in admiration, or change her diaper with more enthusiasm than any dirty diaper deserves...I just fall more in love. I look at him and I get excited to spend the rest of my life with him. And when he brings me dinner or rubs my feet or kisses me just to kiss me, I thank God over and over. We don't have it all figured out, but we have love. Real love. A love that is a force to be reckoned with. And today I praise God for the hard times, because we had to go through them in order to truly recognize just how good we have it. I praise God for it all.

My prayer is this:

I pray that everyone has someone that they can just be themselves with. Someone who isn't intimidated by the baggage, and rises to the challenge to love them through it. I pray that all women get to know what it feels like to fall in love all over again- with themselves, with their children, with family, or with a good man. I pray that anyone who might be facing hard times in their relationship doesn't start looking to the exit strategy, but instead sees an opportunity to love deeper, stronger, faithfully. I pray that you might know what it feels like to be held...by God, by your mother's hand, in the arms of a man that loves you with everything he has.

I pray that you find your very best friend in your life partner. I pray that despite the highs and lows, none of us are ever too far gone to fall in love again.

Having a baby changes things, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

"...perhaps fully experiencing the hard, unpredictable road helps us to recognize the good place when we arrive."

furniture finds

2008-02-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here with my little tiny baby girl. She is all wrapped up and bright eyed. She is so stinkin' beautiful and we are all so in love with her! Austin, Brooklyn and I couldn't be happier!

I meant to post about recent finds a while back, and didn't get around to it. I have a few different odds and ends, but for today I will stick with furniture.

Sorry for the poor lighting...I took these pictures in the garage. This is a neat chair. Its boring as is, but for $4.98 I couldn't pass it up. I am thinking that I will use it in my office/craft room. It is going to need to be painted and reupholstered. Maybe I will paint the wood white and find a light blue fabric, or maybe a floral pattern. I am not sure, but I will be sure to post some before and after pictures.

(Notice the white in the background. This is a big table I bought at goodwill some time ago, with its first coat of white paint. I have to paint the legs and another coat, but I am thinking it too will join the chair as a craft/scrapbook/office table...so many projects, so little time :o)

This picture does not do this piece justice! When I stumbled across this, I was actually looking for some time of iron/metal garden fixture for my new berry bushes to grow on. I saw this large cabinet and just loved the color. You can't tell so much in this picture, but it has a very pretty shade of green paint with a lighter paint, very chippy and crackled. Being the size that it was, I almost didn't bother asking how much the guy wanted for it. (we were at an indoor flea market) The man asked if he could help me with anything, and I asked about the price. He said $55! I had to buy it, I have been looking for some type of cabinet/armoire to store my vintage dishes. This piece is really solid and definitely one of a kind.

Here are a couple of items on my wish list:

I am really trying to be frugal right now. But the price for that queen headboard/footboard and the price for that couch make it really difficult! I know, you are probably thinking I'm nuts, wanting a white couch. But the couch is slipcovered and so the covers can be easily removed and washed. I just love this metal bed. I have been searching for a while, but this has definitely been the best deal. I am picturing all these pieces of furniture in our cottage house. I can't wait!

I am so tired...thought I would steal away a few moments to blog, and now I am going to bed!

Goodnight Friends!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLOTTE!!!

2008-02-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

Charlotte Opal White

February 21, 2008

6 lbs, 13 oz :: 19 inches

and absolutely perfect

pregnant and nesting...

2008-02-18T23:04:00.000-08:00

I can't stop nesting!!! I have been going through everything...clothes, the bathroom cabinets, my jewelry...nothing is safe. At least its a productive type of craziness! And it feels so good to get rid of stuff, and to have stuff in its place.

I have some more great finds to share!!!! I haven't taken pictures yet, but I will post them tomorrow. I think I have been trying to get out as much as possible, because I know with two it will be hard.

I am thinking that tomorrow I might take Brooklyn to have her first manicure. I thought it would be fun, and I think I might need a pedicure...my toes being so hard to reach and all! :o)

Charlotte will be here in two days! I don't know how soon I will be able to post pictures, but I will post them as soon as I can.

Speaking of Charlotte, she is really twirling around in there and there isn't much room. I am trying to memorize the way this feels...it will be over soon. :o(

Beautiful Truths

2008-02-15T22:18:00.000-08:00

Today was an emotional day. We had an appointment this morning with the OB. Basically, we had a non-reactive stress test, which means baby's heart rate/movement wasn't where the doctor likes to see it. She sent me directly over for a sonogram, to take a closer look at the chord/blood flow/placenta/amniotic fluid. Everything looked great. I even got to watch while Charlotte grabbed and played with her toes. I should have known everything would be fine, because that has been the story of this pregnancy. I am wondering if this is any indication of what the next eighteen years might be like.

Parenting is tough stuff. Its amazing how desperately you can love your babies. Its amazing and maybe even disheartening. From time to time, I have to acknowledge the fact that I can't control every aspect of their world. I can try and manipulate the picture, the surroundings, the environment, but ultimately there is so much that is beyond my control. I cannot protect Brooklyn or Charlotte from everything, but I would die trying. I could never be everything I feel like they deserve in a mother. I always wish I could be more, give them more. And I always wonder how much Brooklyn is affected by everything...in these early, formative years, how best can I mold my little girl? Am I forgetting something? Am I missing the mark? Am I over-bearing or protective? Does she know and trust how much I really love her? More importantly, does she know and trust God's love?

Sometimes, I think when we most need it, God has this way of saying, "You are doing a great job."

Brooklyn has this light about her. She always has. This morning we stopped at Panera for breakfast. While waiting in line, she struck up a conversation with a man in a nice suit and chunky glasses. She had to bring her purse with her, and he was talking to her about what was in her purse. While I was paying for our food, she was visiting and sharing the contents of her purse. When I turned around, the whole line of people was just smiling and watching her. And she had made a new friend. We made our way to the coffee. As I poored my cup of "bright and balanced" blend coffee, she was picking up little splenda wrappers that had fallen on the floor. A few of those people were still smiling, still looking at her with admiration.

After my appointment, we stopped in at Gap Kids. (hoping to find something sweet on sale...found a little sweater for Charlotte) As we were checking out, Brooklyn handed the lady behind the counter a penny she had found. The lady was very kind, told her thank you, but that she should keep the penny if that was alright with me. Of course it was. Brooklyn just started talking to her as if she had known her a long time. The lady asked if she was about to be a big sister (which, by now, is very obvious :o) and Brooklyn started telling her about Charlie. She shared that God brought her to me, and that when she was a baby God gave her to me too. The lady just smiled and continued talking to her. Then, when she was able to get a word in, the lady looked me in the eyes and said, "She is so beautiful!" I have heard this her whole life, and have grown accustomed to a half hearted "thank you" in response. But then she said, "She really has a beautiful spirit, too." I know my daughter is absolutely beautiful, both inside and out. I am so in love with her sweet loving spirit. I guess I didn't realize that her glow was so apparent to the rest of the world. As we left, the lady told us to have a good day, and placing her hands over her heart, she told Brooklyn that she touched her today. I was secretly bursting with a feeling only God could give.

This evening, overwhelmed with the emotions the day held, and struggling with accepting my lack of control over the worlds of my daughters, I started to cry. Brooklyn wiped my tears off my face and said, "Mom, I know sometimes its hard to be a grown up, but God just wants you to be happy." Then she kissed me and wrapped her little arms around me. And as I sit here typing, I can't believe how truly blessed I am. I can't believe that God loves me so much that He would give me two lovely daughters- one of which already speaks His truth to anyone willing to listen. I have made so many mistakes. There are so many things I wish would have worked out differently. In retrospect, I see all the ways I came up short. But today I think God just wanted me to take a moment...a moment to recognize that I am doing a great job...a moment to just bask in the glow of perfect beauty that He has begun in my daughter.

Its hard accepting that so much is out of your parenting control. But I think that is where God comes in. I have to think that. I couldn't live with anything short of that. I have explained it to Brooklyn many times, but it took her saying it back to me for me to really understand. God gave her to me, and God gave Charlotte to me- and God just wants us to be happy.

From the mouths of babes...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

2008-02-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!

I hope your Valentines Day has been absolutely lovely! Ours has been. Brooklyn and I spent the morning in the kitchen baking sugar cookies...from scratch!!! We even made our own pink frosting. So we will be spending the evening delivering valentine cookies to all our lovely valentines!

I went and did it. I bought myself presents. I bought a four pack of berry plants, and this book:

Still waiting for Charlotte... :o)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRYSTA!!!

patiently waiting

2008-02-12T22:02:00.000-08:00

I must say, while having a baby is by far the greatest miracle, its a good thing pregnancy doesn't last any longer. I think God planned it perfectly...one more month and I believe we women might go absolutely crazy! I love the feeling of my baby inside of me, but I am going to love having her outside of me just as much.

In the mean time, we have had fun estimating Charlie's birth weight, how much hair she will have, and dreaming of what it will feel like to hold her. I have also been dreaming of the day when I can squeeze back into something like this:

and it will probably need something like this:

and maybe a pair like these:

I can't wait to wear normal clothes again! I can't wait to be able to paint my toes. I can't wait to go jogging. I can't wait to have a waistline. I can't wait to have a cosmopolitan. I can't wait to feel my organs settle back into their normal places. I can't wait for so many things. But most of all...more than anything...I can't wait to hold my baby girl for the first time. I just can't wait!

2008-02-12T08:39:00.000-08:00

Brooklyn and I made Valentines cupcakes yesterday. This picture isn't very good, but its the only one I took. She is turning into quite the domestic diva!

I really can't say enough how proud of her I am. She has the sweetest heart. If I were going to have a big sister, I would want one just like her. She is just so loving and compassionate.

I wonder if my second valentine will make it here before valentines day...

sunday softball starts!

2008-02-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

Today was our first softball practice. There I was, ten days away from having a baby, fielding grounders and throwing to first...it was fun! Of course I wasn't getting around too quickly, and bending over was not easy, but I did pretty well and we all got a good laugh out of my oh so pregnant playing skills! :o)

We had dinner at Austin's parents. His mom's dinners are always so good. And for Valentines day she bought me a little yellow rose bush. How I love flowers! Spring, where are you?

I have some goals for this spring:

In March, I want to start my seedlings for my very first garden!

I want to bake my very first cherry pie. (I have decided that cherry is my favorite)

I will finish the bedrooms.

I will start my first quilt.

On a recent trip to Lowes, I noticed berry bushes! I have strawberries that I planted last year, that I am hoping will produce fruit this year. I think I would really like to plant another berry...I will have to research what will do well here in Kansas. I know it sounds crazy, but I was thinking of asking for a berry bush for Valentines day! Forget diamonds and chocolate...buy me plants! There is no helping me...

Goodies for my Girlies

2008-02-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

Brooklyn and I had a day at our favorite antique stores. We always have so much fun! I loved the little pewter horses. Brooklyn just loves horses and I am thinking I might start a small collection for her. I have been looking for a neat little mail box for a while. I saw the idea on another blog, but I would like to put it outside the girls' bedroom door, and sneak surprises in it from time to time...stickers, candy, letters...I think I might paint the box white. I saw the embroidered "C" low on a shelf, and had to get it! It is even more pretty in person. Brooklyn and I decided that we must have heart shaped cookie cutters to make cookies for Valentines day. I am not sure what I will do with the old keys, they just caught my eye. I saw the little tiny purse in a tucked away booth...it has to be very old. When I picked it up, and saw that it was only $2.99, I had to buy it! I think some little girl must have loved this little purse.

I have wanted to buy Brooklyn a little doll high chair for quite some time. It seems like anything of the miniature variety is priced higher, too much for me. Brooklyn and I saw the little chair at the same time, and she said, "Oh mom, Look!" I smiled at our shared enthusiasm, and then closed my eyes as I turned the tag to see the price...$20, with an additional 20% off! A far cry from the $59 they want for this one, and I think this vintage pretty has so much more character!

And then there is this sweet little vintage doll dresser. I love the little flowers! Brooklyn loved this too, no doubt in no time the little drawers will be filled with her little trinkets. This was only $12!

I am so blessed! I am so thankful that Brooklyn loves to go antiquing with me, or to help me with the dishes, or to sit and drink tea. Having a daughter is very special. Seeing yourself in them, thats special too. I can't believe that soon, I will have two!

I think I just might make *goodies for my girlies" a regular post.... :o)

Happy Thursday!

::A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes::

2008-02-06T21:10:00.001-08:00

Its February!!!! And I only have TWO WEEKS left before Charlotte is born!!!!!
Quick updates: I am dilated 1-2 cm, thinning, contracting for four days now...especially through the night...but not going into labor yet. I can't believe my induction date is only two weeks away!
This week I actually went in and cleared out my desk. That was pretty tough. It was definitely bittersweet, but I have so enjoyed being home with Brooklyn. Austin and I have started counseling, which has been great! It ain't easy, but it really helps. Things are looking up around here!

I have recently bought some goodies that I just can't wait to share! I will get pictures posted tomorrow.

I was watching Oprah today. It was about the power of being positive, the laws of attraction, healing your own life, and claiming what you want for your life. It was really inspiring to see what some women had claimed for their lives that came to them, and the difference it made for those that made the choice to be more positive people. I absolutely have to start a dream board! I have been making more of an effort to pray specifically, and ask God directly for the things I want in my life. (things not always meaning "things") I used to ask, not really believing that I would receive. Anymore I ask, expecting God to bless me, believing that He can and will. I am just so excited to start a dream board!!!! I am starting to think that dreaming needs to become a priority in peoples lives. We can get so busy with the day to day, I think we would all benefit from making time to dream. I think giving ourselves permission to dream big and incredibly is important. Its okay to ask inwardly, "What are my dreams?"

My good friend Emily recently opened one of her dreams! It is such a beautiful store full of beautiful things for the home. I have so enjoyed watching her make her dream a reality! I love her store and everything in it, but more than anything, I have been so inspired by her! Right here, right now, I am claiming huge blessings for her and her life. I believe that her store will be successful on many levels, and I am excited to get to be a small part of the journey. If you get the chance, go here to see her store:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=229125285

(This is a pic from Emily's store...see that lovely blue couch? Yeah, I am in love with it! This is most definitely going on my dream board! :o)

Another good friend of mine is seeing one of her biggest dreams come true. Her name is Krysta. She is a brave soul who left all the comforts of home here in Kansas to move to L.A. to follow her dreams and the plans God has for her life. She is just days away from moving into a downtown L.A. loft apartment with her best friend...something right out of a movie...something she has always wanted...a dream come true! While I know that she can hardly believe the way God is blessing her, I expected Him to. I have just known it was only a matter of time, and it blesses me to see God work in her life.

I am so thankful to see such strong women, whom I love dearly, follow their dreams!

And maybe its Oprah, or Emily, or Krysta, or God- but I have a renewed faith in dreaming. I think it might be a collection of people, events, and my Creator...but a fire has been lit!!!!

a dream is a wish your heart makes

when your fast asleep

in dreams you will lose your heartache

whatever you wish for you keep

have faith in your dreams and someday

your rainbow will come shining through

nomatter how your heart is grieving

if you keep on believing

the dreams that you wish

will come true

Goodnight, friends...Sweet Dreams!!!

2008-01-31T20:05:00.000-08:00

One of the desires of my heart.....:o)

oh to be alive!!!

2008-01-31T14:19:00.000-08:00

So I have been throwing a bit of a pitty party the last few days. No doubt everything that has been going on has thrown me for a loop...an excruciating, sad, lonely, painful loop...I had a bit of a reality check today.

I have this friend, who is my friend although she has never spoken to me nor met me. She blogs. I am enthralled by her life. She has this incredible old fixer upper somewhere in Texas. She gardens and knits and cooks and works on her home. She's young and intelligent. She left the corporate world for a more simple, small town life. I must say, I admire her. She comes up with these recipes, and its a feat for me to follow one close enough to have a *similar* finished product. She plants a garden. Every year I say I am going to plant a garden...never have. She tackles the projects her old home throws at her, and the end result is always incredible. I dream of restoring an old farmhouse, but louder than my dreams is that voice saying, "How in the world are you going to do something like that? Single mother and all..."

SHE LIVES!!!!!

This lady lives life...the life...that I dream of. She inspires me. Its amazing how much living I don't do, because of fear. And reading her blog is experiencing the life of a beautiful, fearless woman. And with her latest blog entry, she shared that she does have a fear- a breast cancer scare. Kinda puts things in perspective.

The best thing that I can say I have done with my life thus far, is having Brooklyn. I can't imagine what Charlotte will bring to this world. I love my daughters so much, and I only fall more in love with them every day. Outside of them, I can't think of much I have done that really truly matters. I want to live. I want to matter. I want to live fiercely instead of fearfully. And my friend, my friend who does not have breast cancer (praise God!), has helped me see that I can.

To me, living isn't the sum of ones accomplishments, or the grand places one has been, or the adventure or romance or story of ones life. Living is discovering the desires of ones heart, and fearlessly pursuing them. I believe that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I can't help but think that He puts them there, hoping we have the hope, faith, and love to go for them. Why else would He tell us that with Him, all things are possible?

Alright, I am done with the pitty party. I am alive. I am healthy and pregnant, I have everything I need and a little of what I want. I have an incredibly amazing daughter, and another on the way. I am so blessed. The most exciting part, is knowing that its not to late to live.

In the mean time, I will be praying for my friend. You could too, if you don't mind. My prayer for you, is that you get to experience the deepest desires of your heart- that your life is full of moments where you feel completely alive.

Psalm 37:4 (New International Version)

4 Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

anger & faith

2008-01-29T09:55:00.000-08:00

I think I am okay. I mean, I know things could be so much worse. I know that I have been so blessed and that God must love me, to give me my girls. Last night, while talking with my mom, I just fell apart crying...but not a sad cry...no, it was an angry cry. Its that rare cry, that only happens when you are so angry that that is all you can do. I felt angry about losing my job, especially at a time like this. I felt angry because of the situation with Austin. I felt angry that everything I have dreamt of for my girls just seemed that much farther away. I felt angry at God for the things that happened to me when I was just a little girl, that would forever change the course of my future. I felt angry for the things I can't control. I don't like all these things happening to me. The whole idea that we go through hard times and adversity and pain so that we can use it for good for God, just felt worn out to me. I just kept saying, "I don' t understand the meaning in all of this. I don't understand what God is trying to teach me."

But somehow I know, that many times along the road, I was given the choice to choose my will or God's. I know that I have made choices motivated by fear, insecurity, love, pain and selfish desires. I can't think of many times where I was deciding to live purely for the will of God. At times living for God can seem so hard, a demanding and challenging road with little reward. But the truth is, it is the only real living there is. At least, for me.

I know that with losing my job comes the promise of bigger, better things in store. I know that one day I will look back and be grateful for the door having been closed. I know that God brings all things together for good. So I know that whatever happens in my relationship with Austin, ultimately good will prevail. If I stay true to what I know is right, and I keep loving and praying, than I have done all that I can. And I know that one day I will make a difference. I will do something that matters, and lives will be changed because of my experiences- the ones that make me feel so angry I cry.

I don't like my situation right now. Its uncomfortable and lonely and frightening. I can't believe that my "home" now consists of a corner of my grandma's basement and a couch for a bed. But in this less than ideal state, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am living according to God's will. Doesn't He know that it would be so much easier to be a follower if it were rosy and lovely and ideal and comfortable all the time??? :o)

I am on the right path, and I know it. I am human, and I get angry from time to time. But more than that, I have tremendous faith- and I don't mind walking by faith for a while.

2008-01-27T21:10:00.000-08:00

Oh, I am ready for a bath...I have been moving and cleaning and organizing all day! My dad and I set up Brooklyn's bed (in this not so lovely basement) and then I made her bed with all her freshly washed bedding. It smells so good. (compliments of white lilac scented tide :o)

Yesterday was our shopping day. We have a favorite thrift store downtown, where we both always seem to find something. I was so excited to find a Janie and Jack dress for Charlotte for only $6.98! Brooklyn found herself a little purse...which she later gave away.

After lunch and icecream at our favorite downtown restaurant, we went to a consignment store. That is where I found the sweet little outfit on the left. I have been wanting a warm coverall outfit for Charlotte, but didn't want one that would keep her too warm. This is like new, and just thick enough.

Finally, I found this lamp 20% off of clearance price! Brooklyn thinks its pretty neat that she has a lamp by her bed, that she can turn on and off as she likes.

Alright...my feet are swolen, its way too late, and that bath tub is calling my name...

37 weeks & counting...

2008-01-26T06:16:00.000-08:00

I am now in my 37th week of pregnancy. I can't believe that her arrival is just weeks away, but I am so excited to hold her! Brooklyn is getting anxious, she keeps asking when Charlotte is going to get here. Yesterday she and I put together her little pack and play (which will be Charlie's temporary bed until we are able to move into our house) and afterward Brooklyn put a little cup of flowers next to her bed. It was so sweet. She is going to be the best big sister!

Its been very cold here. Our house doesn't have any heat, and that has made it very hard to work...but we do have a new heating unit, and hopefully it will be installed in fairly short order. Then here is the list for the girls' room:

1. tape/mud/spackle
2. sand/clean
3.paint Brooklyn's pretty purple
4.paint trim
5.move in/decorate!

I am really excited about the decorating! This last fall, an antique store here in town was getting ready for a move and had marked down lots of inventory. I had been eyeing an oak bed from the 1800's for Brooklyn. Even with its reduced price, it was out of my price range. I went in shortly before the move, and the owner took an additional $75 off the price! I grabbed it up! It is such a pretty old bed, with faint carvings of flowers. I will have to take a picture and post it.

For Charlotte, I found a pottery barn kids crib with the crib mattress, in like new condition at a garage sale. I walked up, fearing the price would be too high or it would already be sold. It was priced at $100! I was thrilled and grabbed it up too. It is a cottage white crib, simple and elegant.

I was on the search for a dresser...it had to be just the right height for a changing table. I found one at a second hand store. It was old, needed some love and paint and new hardware, but for $30 I couldn't pass it up.

I can't wait to fill their room with the pretty things I have found! I wish that it was all ready for Charlotte to come home to. I will be sure to share pictures.

On a side note, I watched Fried Green Tomatoes last night. It is a great movie!

love and blessings,
kali

first order of business: the girls' room

2008-01-20T14:44:00.000-08:00

Brookie and I went to Lowes today. (note to self: never endure Lowes on a Sunday :o) We picked out the new carpet for the bedrooms. It feels good to knock out one "to do" at a time. Our new carpet has to be special ordered, and so I have some time to paint the bedrooms. I am a little torn on what color to paint my room. I love soft, muted, almost turquoise blues, but it seems like I am drawn to rooms with white or cream backdrops...so I am not sure...a blue/green or white? Maybe I will paint one accent wall...any suggestions?

I found my dream dining table:

I love this table! I don't have enough room in my little cottage for this table (which seats 10!) but someday, I will have a table like this. With mismatched chairs and beautiful dishes, and family all around!

One room at a time, one room at a time...

pretty purple and pretty packaging!

2008-01-17T12:33:00.001-08:00

Brooklyn and I finally made it to Lowes today. She had decided that she wanted a purple room. I showed her lots of pictures and offered up other colors, but she has been insisting on purple. So we went through the paint swatches, and picked out all the prettiest light purples. Then by process of elimination, she picked the color she wanted. She picked a very pretty purple!

On a sidenote, Charlotte's outfit from janie and jack arrived today! Such pretty packaging...and the outfit was originally $56, and I bought it for $9.98!

lovely quote

2008-01-17T12:24:00.000-08:00

"In between one place and another, we're vulnerable to the discomfort of our transitory state. If the trip is long or taxing, at odd mile markers our restlessness overrides expectation, or even drifts into despair. When trouble comes we may wonder why we ever embarked at all- or simply stop short of our intended destination, insisting (like the Israelites east of Jordan) that the spot we've settled for is adequate enough, thank you. The best of all journeys may be a hard road to a good place; perhaps fully experiencing the hard, unpredictable road helps us to recognize the good place when we arrive."

(excerpt from the book The Beautiful Ache)