Having a baby changes things.

I am falling in love all over the place.

I fell in love when I saw Charlotte for the first time. I fell more in love with Brooklyn when I watched as she held her and kissed her and brushed her hair so softly. I fell more in love with my mom, as she provided the comfort that only a mother can. I fell more in love with Austin's family, for sharing in such a beautiful moment in my life. For the first time, I really felt like they were my family- we are all family. Everyone just belonged to each other, in some way. Even our friends that came to visit felt more like family. Having Charlotte in our world and so many people who wanted to be a part of that made me feel loved. And as much as I thank God for bringing her here safely, I praise Him for all the amazing people He has put in my life.

And of all the ways I'm falling, I am falling hardest for Austin. He was everything I needed him to be from the moment we stepped foot in the hospital. He was strong and steady and gentle and loving, and I couldn't have done it without him. And however sad it may be, it was the first time ever that I allowed myself to completely need him- or any man for that matter. And I don't want to go back to the way I was before. I don't want to go back to the guarded girl, always having an exit strategy. Because I don't want to lose Austin, ever. I don't want to push him away because I keep him in the box that the men in my past had built. Austin is my very best friend, and I could never be without him. God has taught me a lot about love lately. He has shown me what love isn't, but more than that, He has shown me what love is.

Having our daughter hasn't magically made all our problems disappear. But it has brought us closer in a way that I can't describe. Every time I watch Austin wrap her up so gently, or just stare at her in admiration, or change her diaper with more enthusiasm than any dirty diaper deserves...I just fall more in love. I look at him and I get excited to spend the rest of my life with him. And when he brings me dinner or rubs my feet or kisses me just to kiss me, I thank God over and over. We don't have it all figured out, but we have love. Real love. A love that is a force to be reckoned with. And today I praise God for the hard times, because we had to go through them in order to truly recognize just how good we have it. I praise God for it all.

My prayer is this:

I pray that everyone has someone that they can just be themselves with. Someone who isn't intimidated by the baggage, and rises to the challenge to love them through it. I pray that all women get to know what it feels like to fall in love all over again- with themselves, with their children, with family, or with a good man. I pray that anyone who might be facing hard times in their relationship doesn't start looking to the exit strategy, but instead sees an opportunity to love deeper, stronger, faithfully. I pray that you might know what it feels like to be held...by God, by your mother's hand, in the arms of a man that loves you with everything he has.

I pray that you find your very best friend in your life partner. I pray that despite the highs and lows, none of us are ever too far gone to fall in love again.

Having a baby changes things, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

"...perhaps fully experiencing the hard, unpredictable road helps us to recognize the good place when we arrive."

furniture finds

I am sitting here with my little tiny baby girl. She is all wrapped up and bright eyed. She is so stinkin' beautiful and we are all so in love with her! Austin, Brooklyn and I couldn't be happier!

I meant to post about recent finds a while back, and didn't get around to it. I have a few different odds and ends, but for today I will stick with furniture.

Sorry for the poor lighting...I took these pictures in the garage. This is a neat chair. Its boring as is, but for $4.98 I couldn't pass it up. I am thinking that I will use it in my office/craft room. It is going to need to be painted and reupholstered. Maybe I will paint the wood white and find a light blue fabric, or maybe a floral pattern. I am not sure, but I will be sure to post some before and after pictures.

(Notice the white in the background. This is a big table I bought at goodwill some time ago, with its first coat of white paint. I have to paint the legs and another coat, but I am thinking it too will join the chair as a craft/scrapbook/office table...so many projects, so little time :o)

This picture does not do this piece justice! When I stumbled across this, I was actually looking for some time of iron/metal garden fixture for my new berry bushes to grow on. I saw this large cabinet and just loved the color. You can't tell so much in this picture, but it has a very pretty shade of green paint with a lighter paint, very chippy and crackled. Being the size that it was, I almost didn't bother asking how much the guy wanted for it. (we were at an indoor flea market) The man asked if he could help me with anything, and I asked about the price. He said $55! I had to buy it, I have been looking for some type of cabinet/armoire to store my vintage dishes. This piece is really solid and definitely one of a kind.

Here are a couple of items on my wish list:

I am really trying to be frugal right now. But the price for that queen headboard/footboard and the price for that couch make it really difficult! I know, you are probably thinking I'm nuts, wanting a white couch. But the couch is slipcovered and so the covers can be easily removed and washed. I just love this metal bed. I have been searching for a while, but this has definitely been the best deal. I am picturing all these pieces of furniture in our cottage house. I can't wait!

I am so tired...thought I would steal away a few moments to blog, and now I am going to bed!

Goodnight Friends!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLOTTE!!!

Charlotte Opal White

February 21, 2008

6 lbs, 13 oz :: 19 inches

and absolutely perfect

pregnant and nesting...

I can't stop nesting!!! I have been going through everything...clothes, the bathroom cabinets, my jewelry...nothing is safe. At least its a productive type of craziness! And it feels so good to get rid of stuff, and to have stuff in its place.

I have some more great finds to share!!!! I haven't taken pictures yet, but I will post them tomorrow. I think I have been trying to get out as much as possible, because I know with two it will be hard.

I am thinking that tomorrow I might take Brooklyn to have her first manicure. I thought it would be fun, and I think I might need a pedicure...my toes being so hard to reach and all! :o)

Charlotte will be here in two days! I don't know how soon I will be able to post pictures, but I will post them as soon as I can.

Speaking of Charlotte, she is really twirling around in there and there isn't much room. I am trying to memorize the way this feels...it will be over soon. :o(

Beautiful Truths

Today was an emotional day. We had an appointment this morning with the OB. Basically, we had a non-reactive stress test, which means baby's heart rate/movement wasn't where the doctor likes to see it. She sent me directly over for a sonogram, to take a closer look at the chord/blood flow/placenta/amniotic fluid. Everything looked great. I even got to watch while Charlotte grabbed and played with her toes. I should have known everything would be fine, because that has been the story of this pregnancy. I am wondering if this is any indication of what the next eighteen years might be like.

Parenting is tough stuff. Its amazing how desperately you can love your babies. Its amazing and maybe even disheartening. From time to time, I have to acknowledge the fact that I can't control every aspect of their world. I can try and manipulate the picture, the surroundings, the environment, but ultimately there is so much that is beyond my control. I cannot protect Brooklyn or Charlotte from everything, but I would die trying. I could never be everything I feel like they deserve in a mother. I always wish I could be more, give them more. And I always wonder how much Brooklyn is affected by everything...in these early, formative years, how best can I mold my little girl? Am I forgetting something? Am I missing the mark? Am I over-bearing or protective? Does she know and trust how much I really love her? More importantly, does she know and trust God's love?

Sometimes, I think when we most need it, God has this way of saying, "You are doing a great job."

Brooklyn has this light about her. She always has. This morning we stopped at Panera for breakfast. While waiting in line, she struck up a conversation with a man in a nice suit and chunky glasses. She had to bring her purse with her, and he was talking to her about what was in her purse. While I was paying for our food, she was visiting and sharing the contents of her purse. When I turned around, the whole line of people was just smiling and watching her. And she had made a new friend. We made our way to the coffee. As I poored my cup of "bright and balanced" blend coffee, she was picking up little splenda wrappers that had fallen on the floor. A few of those people were still smiling, still looking at her with admiration.

After my appointment, we stopped in at Gap Kids. (hoping to find something sweet on sale...found a little sweater for Charlotte) As we were checking out, Brooklyn handed the lady behind the counter a penny she had found. The lady was very kind, told her thank you, but that she should keep the penny if that was alright with me. Of course it was. Brooklyn just started talking to her as if she had known her a long time. The lady asked if she was about to be a big sister (which, by now, is very obvious :o) and Brooklyn started telling her about Charlie. She shared that God brought her to me, and that when she was a baby God gave her to me too. The lady just smiled and continued talking to her. Then, when she was able to get a word in, the lady looked me in the eyes and said, "She is so beautiful!" I have heard this her whole life, and have grown accustomed to a half hearted "thank you" in response. But then she said, "She really has a beautiful spirit, too." I know my daughter is absolutely beautiful, both inside and out. I am so in love with her sweet loving spirit. I guess I didn't realize that her glow was so apparent to the rest of the world. As we left, the lady told us to have a good day, and placing her hands over her heart, she told Brooklyn that she touched her today. I was secretly bursting with a feeling only God could give.

This evening, overwhelmed with the emotions the day held, and struggling with accepting my lack of control over the worlds of my daughters, I started to cry. Brooklyn wiped my tears off my face and said, "Mom, I know sometimes its hard to be a grown up, but God just wants you to be happy." Then she kissed me and wrapped her little arms around me. And as I sit here typing, I can't believe how truly blessed I am. I can't believe that God loves me so much that He would give me two lovely daughters- one of which already speaks His truth to anyone willing to listen. I have made so many mistakes. There are so many things I wish would have worked out differently. In retrospect, I see all the ways I came up short. But today I think God just wanted me to take a moment...a moment to recognize that I am doing a great job...a moment to just bask in the glow of perfect beauty that He has begun in my daughter.

Its hard accepting that so much is out of your parenting control. But I think that is where God comes in. I have to think that. I couldn't live with anything short of that. I have explained it to Brooklyn many times, but it took her saying it back to me for me to really understand. God gave her to me, and God gave Charlotte to me- and God just wants us to be happy.

From the mouths of babes...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!

I hope your Valentines Day has been absolutely lovely! Ours has been. Brooklyn and I spent the morning in the kitchen baking sugar cookies...from scratch!!! We even made our own pink frosting. So we will be spending the evening delivering valentine cookies to all our lovely valentines!

I went and did it. I bought myself presents. I bought a four pack of berry plants, and this book:

Still waiting for Charlotte... :o)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRYSTA!!!

patiently waiting

I must say, while having a baby is by far the greatest miracle, its a good thing pregnancy doesn't last any longer. I think God planned it perfectly...one more month and I believe we women might go absolutely crazy! I love the feeling of my baby inside of me, but I am going to love having her outside of me just as much.

In the mean time, we have had fun estimating Charlie's birth weight, how much hair she will have, and dreaming of what it will feel like to hold her. I have also been dreaming of the day when I can squeeze back into something like this:

and it will probably need something like this:

and maybe a pair like these:

I can't wait to wear normal clothes again! I can't wait to be able to paint my toes. I can't wait to go jogging. I can't wait to have a waistline. I can't wait to have a cosmopolitan. I can't wait to feel my organs settle back into their normal places. I can't wait for so many things. But most of all...more than anything...I can't wait to hold my baby girl for the first time. I just can't wait!

Brooklyn and I made Valentines cupcakes yesterday. This picture isn't very good, but its the only one I took. She is turning into quite the domestic diva!

I really can't say enough how proud of her I am. She has the sweetest heart. If I were going to have a big sister, I would want one just like her. She is just so loving and compassionate.

I wonder if my second valentine will make it here before valentines day...

sunday softball starts!

Today was our first softball practice. There I was, ten days away from having a baby, fielding grounders and throwing to first...it was fun! Of course I wasn't getting around too quickly, and bending over was not easy, but I did pretty well and we all got a good laugh out of my oh so pregnant playing skills! :o)

We had dinner at Austin's parents. His mom's dinners are always so good. And for Valentines day she bought me a little yellow rose bush. How I love flowers! Spring, where are you?

I have some goals for this spring:

In March, I want to start my seedlings for my very first garden!

I want to bake my very first cherry pie. (I have decided that cherry is my favorite)

I will finish the bedrooms.

I will start my first quilt.

On a recent trip to Lowes, I noticed berry bushes! I have strawberries that I planted last year, that I am hoping will produce fruit this year. I think I would really like to plant another berry...I will have to research what will do well here in Kansas. I know it sounds crazy, but I was thinking of asking for a berry bush for Valentines day! Forget diamonds and chocolate...buy me plants! There is no helping me...

*Goodies for my Girlies*

Brooklyn and I had a day at our favorite antique stores. We always have so much fun! I loved the little pewter horses. Brooklyn just loves horses and I am thinking I might start a small collection for her. I have been looking for a neat little mail box for a while. I saw the idea on another blog, but I would like to put it outside the girls' bedroom door, and sneak surprises in it from time to time...stickers, candy, letters...I think I might paint the box white. I saw the embroidered "C" low on a shelf, and had to get it! It is even more pretty in person. Brooklyn and I decided that we must have heart shaped cookie cutters to make cookies for Valentines day. I am not sure what I will do with the old keys, they just caught my eye. I saw the little tiny purse in a tucked away booth...it has to be very old. When I picked it up, and saw that it was only $2.99, I had to buy it! I think some little girl must have loved this little purse.

I have wanted to buy Brooklyn a little doll high chair for quite some time. It seems like anything of the miniature variety is priced higher, too much for me. Brooklyn and I saw the little chair at the same time, and she said, "Oh mom, Look!" I smiled at our shared enthusiasm, and then closed my eyes as I turned the tag to see the price...$20, with an additional 20% off! A far cry from the $59 they want for this one, and I think this vintage pretty has so much more character!

And then there is this sweet little vintage doll dresser. I love the little flowers! Brooklyn loved this too, no doubt in no time the little drawers will be filled with her little trinkets. This was only $12!

I am so blessed! I am so thankful that Brooklyn loves to go antiquing with me, or to help me with the dishes, or to sit and drink tea. Having a daughter is very special. Seeing yourself in them, thats special too. I can't believe that soon, I will have two!

I think I just might make *goodies for my girlies" a regular post.... :o)

Happy Thursday!

::A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes::

Its February!!!! And I only have TWO WEEKS left before Charlotte is born!!!!!
Quick updates: I am dilated 1-2 cm, thinning, contracting for four days now...especially through the night...but not going into labor yet. I can't believe my induction date is only two weeks away!
This week I actually went in and cleared out my desk. That was pretty tough. It was definitely bittersweet, but I have so enjoyed being home with Brooklyn. Austin and I have started counseling, which has been great! It ain't easy, but it really helps. Things are looking up around here!

I have recently bought some goodies that I just can't wait to share! I will get pictures posted tomorrow.

I was watching Oprah today. It was about the power of being positive, the laws of attraction, healing your own life, and claiming what you want for your life. It was really inspiring to see what some women had claimed for their lives that came to them, and the difference it made for those that made the choice to be more positive people. I absolutely have to start a dream board! I have been making more of an effort to pray specifically, and ask God directly for the things I want in my life. (things not always meaning "things") I used to ask, not really believing that I would receive. Anymore I ask, expecting God to bless me, believing that He can and will. I am just so excited to start a dream board!!!! I am starting to think that dreaming needs to become a priority in peoples lives. We can get so busy with the day to day, I think we would all benefit from making time to dream. I think giving ourselves permission to dream big and incredibly is important. Its okay to ask inwardly, "What are my dreams?"

My good friend Emily recently opened one of her dreams! It is such a beautiful store full of beautiful things for the home. I have so enjoyed watching her make her dream a reality! I love her store and everything in it, but more than anything, I have been so inspired by her! Right here, right now, I am claiming huge blessings for her and her life. I believe that her store will be successful on many levels, and I am excited to get to be a small part of the journey. If you get the chance, go here to see her store:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=229125285

(This is a pic from Emily's store...see that lovely blue couch? Yeah, I am in love with it! This is most definitely going on my dream board! :o)

Another good friend of mine is seeing one of her biggest dreams come true. Her name is Krysta. She is a brave soul who left all the comforts of home here in Kansas to move to L.A. to follow her dreams and the plans God has for her life. She is just days away from moving into a downtown L.A. loft apartment with her best friend...something right out of a movie...something she has always wanted...a dream come true! While I know that she can hardly believe the way God is blessing her, I expected Him to. I have just known it was only a matter of time, and it blesses me to see God work in her life.

I am so thankful to see such strong women, whom I love dearly, follow their dreams!

And maybe its Oprah, or Emily, or Krysta, or God- but I have a renewed faith in dreaming. I think it might be a collection of people, events, and my Creator...but a fire has been lit!!!!

a dream is a wish your heart makes

when your fast asleep

in dreams you will lose your heartache

whatever you wish for you keep

have faith in your dreams and someday

your rainbow will come shining through

nomatter how your heart is grieving

if you keep on believing

the dreams that you wish

will come true

Goodnight, friends...Sweet Dreams!!!