Today was an emotional day. We had an appointment this morning with the OB. Basically, we had a non-reactive stress test, which means baby's heart rate/movement wasn't where the doctor likes to see it. She sent me directly over for a sonogram, to take a closer look at the chord/blood flow/placenta/amniotic fluid. Everything looked great. I even got to watch while Charlotte grabbed and played with her toes. I should have known everything would be fine, because that has been the story of this pregnancy. I am wondering if this is any indication of what the next eighteen years might be like.
Parenting is tough stuff. Its amazing how desperately you can love your babies. Its amazing and maybe even disheartening. From time to time, I have to acknowledge the fact that I can't control every aspect of their world. I can try and manipulate the picture, the surroundings, the environment, but ultimately there is so much that is beyond my control. I cannot protect Brooklyn or Charlotte from everything, but I would die trying. I could never be everything I feel like they deserve in a mother. I always wish I could be more, give them more. And I always wonder how much Brooklyn is affected by everything...in these early, formative years, how best can I mold my little girl? Am I forgetting something? Am I missing the mark? Am I over-bearing or protective? Does she know and trust how much I really love her? More importantly, does she know and trust God's love?
Sometimes, I think when we most need it, God has this way of saying, "You are doing a great job."
Brooklyn has this light about her. She always has. This morning we stopped at Panera for breakfast. While waiting in line, she struck up a conversation with a man in a nice suit and chunky glasses. She had to bring her purse with her, and he was talking to her about what was in her purse. While I was paying for our food, she was visiting and sharing the contents of her purse. When I turned around, the whole line of people was just smiling and watching her. And she had made a new friend. We made our way to the coffee. As I poored my cup of "bright and balanced" blend coffee, she was picking up little splenda wrappers that had fallen on the floor. A few of those people were still smiling, still looking at her with admiration.
After my appointment, we stopped in at Gap Kids. (hoping to find something sweet on sale...found a little sweater for Charlotte) As we were checking out, Brooklyn handed the lady behind the counter a penny she had found. The lady was very kind, told her thank you, but that she should keep the penny if that was alright with me. Of course it was. Brooklyn just started talking to her as if she had known her a long time. The lady asked if she was about to be a big sister (which, by now, is very obvious :o) and Brooklyn started telling her about Charlie. She shared that God brought her to me, and that when she was a baby God gave her to me too. The lady just smiled and continued talking to her. Then, when she was able to get a word in, the lady looked me in the eyes and said, "She is so beautiful!" I have heard this her whole life, and have grown accustomed to a half hearted "thank you" in response. But then she said, "She really has a beautiful spirit, too." I know my daughter is absolutely beautiful, both inside and out. I am so in love with her sweet loving spirit. I guess I didn't realize that her glow was so apparent to the rest of the world. As we left, the lady told us to have a good day, and placing her hands over her heart, she told Brooklyn that she touched her today. I was secretly bursting with a feeling only God could give.
This evening, overwhelmed with the emotions the day held, and struggling with accepting my lack of control over the worlds of my daughters, I started to cry. Brooklyn wiped my tears off my face and said, "Mom, I know sometimes its hard to be a grown up, but God just wants you to be happy." Then she kissed me and wrapped her little arms around me. And as I sit here typing, I can't believe how truly blessed I am. I can't believe that God loves me so much that He would give me two lovely daughters- one of which already speaks His truth to anyone willing to listen. I have made so many mistakes. There are so many things I wish would have worked out differently. In retrospect, I see all the ways I came up short. But today I think God just wanted me to take a moment...a moment to recognize that I am doing a great job...a moment to just bask in the glow of perfect beauty that He has begun in my daughter.
Its hard accepting that so much is out of your parenting control. But I think that is where God comes in. I have to think that. I couldn't live with anything short of that. I have explained it to Brooklyn many times, but it took her saying it back to me for me to really understand. God gave her to me, and God gave Charlotte to me- and God just wants us to be happy.
From the mouths of babes...
Parenting is tough stuff. Its amazing how desperately you can love your babies. Its amazing and maybe even disheartening. From time to time, I have to acknowledge the fact that I can't control every aspect of their world. I can try and manipulate the picture, the surroundings, the environment, but ultimately there is so much that is beyond my control. I cannot protect Brooklyn or Charlotte from everything, but I would die trying. I could never be everything I feel like they deserve in a mother. I always wish I could be more, give them more. And I always wonder how much Brooklyn is affected by everything...in these early, formative years, how best can I mold my little girl? Am I forgetting something? Am I missing the mark? Am I over-bearing or protective? Does she know and trust how much I really love her? More importantly, does she know and trust God's love?
Sometimes, I think when we most need it, God has this way of saying, "You are doing a great job."
Brooklyn has this light about her. She always has. This morning we stopped at Panera for breakfast. While waiting in line, she struck up a conversation with a man in a nice suit and chunky glasses. She had to bring her purse with her, and he was talking to her about what was in her purse. While I was paying for our food, she was visiting and sharing the contents of her purse. When I turned around, the whole line of people was just smiling and watching her. And she had made a new friend. We made our way to the coffee. As I poored my cup of "bright and balanced" blend coffee, she was picking up little splenda wrappers that had fallen on the floor. A few of those people were still smiling, still looking at her with admiration.
After my appointment, we stopped in at Gap Kids. (hoping to find something sweet on sale...found a little sweater for Charlotte) As we were checking out, Brooklyn handed the lady behind the counter a penny she had found. The lady was very kind, told her thank you, but that she should keep the penny if that was alright with me. Of course it was. Brooklyn just started talking to her as if she had known her a long time. The lady asked if she was about to be a big sister (which, by now, is very obvious :o) and Brooklyn started telling her about Charlie. She shared that God brought her to me, and that when she was a baby God gave her to me too. The lady just smiled and continued talking to her. Then, when she was able to get a word in, the lady looked me in the eyes and said, "She is so beautiful!" I have heard this her whole life, and have grown accustomed to a half hearted "thank you" in response. But then she said, "She really has a beautiful spirit, too." I know my daughter is absolutely beautiful, both inside and out. I am so in love with her sweet loving spirit. I guess I didn't realize that her glow was so apparent to the rest of the world. As we left, the lady told us to have a good day, and placing her hands over her heart, she told Brooklyn that she touched her today. I was secretly bursting with a feeling only God could give.
This evening, overwhelmed with the emotions the day held, and struggling with accepting my lack of control over the worlds of my daughters, I started to cry. Brooklyn wiped my tears off my face and said, "Mom, I know sometimes its hard to be a grown up, but God just wants you to be happy." Then she kissed me and wrapped her little arms around me. And as I sit here typing, I can't believe how truly blessed I am. I can't believe that God loves me so much that He would give me two lovely daughters- one of which already speaks His truth to anyone willing to listen. I have made so many mistakes. There are so many things I wish would have worked out differently. In retrospect, I see all the ways I came up short. But today I think God just wanted me to take a moment...a moment to recognize that I am doing a great job...a moment to just bask in the glow of perfect beauty that He has begun in my daughter.
Its hard accepting that so much is out of your parenting control. But I think that is where God comes in. I have to think that. I couldn't live with anything short of that. I have explained it to Brooklyn many times, but it took her saying it back to me for me to really understand. God gave her to me, and God gave Charlotte to me- and God just wants us to be happy.
From the mouths of babes...
1 comment:
i wish i could be there to hear things like that from B. she is so beautiful! keep us posted on baby charlotte :)
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