"First, think. Second, believe. Third, dream. And finally, dare."
- Walt Disney
Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a dreamer. For people like me, the possibilities are endless. Along with my dreamer spirit, I have two other important qualities. I am smart. My dad says its a good thing being smart, people need smart people. The other, more important quality- I love people. I have a heart for people. Not necessarily any particular group...just everyone. I spend a lot of time sitting around and dreaming up ways that I could serve people. The purpose of this post is not to toot my own horn, so to speak...quite the opposite, actually. I am sick and tired of dreaming. I am sick and tired of sitting around and imagining. I am sick and tired of the "one days" and "some days"- they are exhausting me. I am sick and tired of living but not living. Cutting coupons and thumbing through potterybarn kids was not how I dreamt of spending my days.
When I was in high school I dreamt of moving to some big city, any big city, anywhere but Kansas. I would follow in the footsteps of my Mother, conquering the business world and collecting six figures. It wasn't a matter of getting in to college, it was more a matter of picking which college I wanted to attend. I wanted to see and do and meet all kinds of people. I wanted to push myself, and believed that I could do anything I wanted to. And I could have.
When I got pregnant, I dropped out of high school to support myself. It was always understood, that if I made that grown up choice, I was going to live like a grown up. Having already lived on my own since I was 16, it wasn't a drastic change. But I quit. I quit school with a 3.8 gpa and excellent ACT scores and I only needed a semester of government to graduate. I lived in some crappy little apartment and went to work everyday. I was only half there, never really living up to my potential. Brooklyn's dad stayed at his college because it was so important that he finish the semester- I think the only class he passed was a lifting class. I had no friends in Wichita. My mom lived an hour away, and our relationship was strained. I have never felt more alone in all my life. There were nights I would sleep with my Bible because I was so scared. And as my belly grew out, my dreamer spirit faded. Life was more about surviving day to day. I still have dreams about walking and receiving my diploma with the rest of my class. I wish I could say I worked hard for my gpa and my ACT scores. I didn't. I wish I could explain my own self destruction, which still haunts me from time to time. I don't know why, when I was so close to finishing with flying colors, I made decisions I knew would compromise everything. I honestly don't know why. Worst of all, I don't know why I let circumstance crush my spirit- the loving, happy, dreamer spirit. Seeing Brooklyn for the first time, was the first moment I felt like I was getting myself back. I went through a series of painful "events" that left me feeling worthless. He cheated on me, and I had to feel the pain? What sense did that make? After many "last chances" I began the mourning process. Let me be specific: I began to mourn the loss of a life I so badly wanted to provide for Brooklyn. It was a life I never had, that I always promised myself I would provide for my children. I struggled with the decision for a long time, but making the choice to have self -respect saved my life.
I am so glad that my life didn't work out the way I dreamt it would in high school. Now, I can even say I am glad that I went through that lonely period. I am thankful that I experienced betrayal in its most ugly form because I was forced to find my true worth from the One who created me, rather in the weak love of a boy I shared a daughter with.
I think maybe my point is this: Dreaming is incredibly important. But its the "doing" that really matters. And sometimes failed dreams are huge blessings, leading you on to even bigger and better dreams. So I think I am going to start to have more of a "doing" spirit. I have no idea who really reads my posts, other than my mom. But for anyone who has found themselves in an especially lonely, unfulfilled, scary, or even sad place in their lives- know that my prayers are with you. And it is my intention to stop dreaming, and start doing something to help. Its just a matter of figuring out what that means exactly...
TO BE CONTINUED...
3 comments:
Hi. I somehow found your blog a couple of months ago, and I really enjoy reading it.
You say that you are "living, but not "living." I disagree. You are working hard to provide your girls with a loving, comfortable, happy, stable home. That IS living! You are doing the most important thing you can do right now, and you should be proud of yourself! Once you get into your home, and get everything situated, then you can concentrate on the next thing - whatever that might be!
Thank you, Nita. You are so right. Thank you for reading my blog! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comment! I think I need to shift my perspective some...
It is very nice to meet you and I hope to hear from you again!
i just met with the man that we will be working with in honduras the other night. as he shared his testimony, it reminded me of what we used to talk about in my living room late at night. you are able to connect with people in a unique way because you've actually been where they are. you have the ability to empathize, but also provide solutions so that they can move forward. remember the talks about teen-pregnancy and women's shelters? there is a reason you feel so passionately about that demographic. jeoni (the man we had dinner with) said that the turning moment in his life was when he was so poor that his wife and him couldn't even afford milk for their daughter. he was so distressed that he put a knife in his pocket and went out to the park to rob someone. he was always called a "pastor or father" so you can imagine that he had hit a complete point of devastation to be doing this. he prayed that God would bring someone along to mug. ha. then he decided to call the only person he knew ... and this man began to pour into him and provide for his family. now, jeoni works with a community of 1200 people who live in a trash dump in honduras. he knows exactly what it's like to be starving and without the means to provide for their kids. he knows why they do what they do because he was there. and he said he heard God telling him that he was there to provide solutions ... not to just sit back and pray for them. he said that God put him through that time so that he would know how to get these people out of poverty.
that's incredible.
that's you.
that's the impact you'll have.
much more significant than living a selfish life of a big-city dweller in the corner office i'd say.
love you!
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