a new year around the corner!

My Dear Friends and Family,
First and foremost, I want to thank you all for your support throughout this last year. I absolutely mean it when I say I couldn't have made it without you. This has been a tough year, but I like to think of it as a "refining" process. I started this blog on January first, so my blog birthday is coming up! Where does the time go? It just flies right on by...
Times are hard everywhere, yet people are stronger than ever. I think these hard times can bring out the best in us, if we allow. I know God brings all things together for good. He promised, after all. I read somewhere lately, I think in one of Brooklyn's books, that the same God who fashioned the stars chose me, created me, loves me. I must have heard this a hundred times. But as I sat for the fourth hour in the backseat, holding my Brooklyn curled up asleep in my lap, I leaned my head on the window. I dared to look up at the brightest stars and remind myself that the same God that created the stars, created me. I smiled.
He created you, too. Pretty cool, if you ask me.
On January 1, 2009, you will notice some changes to my blog. I will omit some things, change some things, and go in a new direction. I'm thinking a more fun, light hearted, joyful, bright and balanced direction...for myself and for my blog. It is time for a new year. There is so much to look forward to! I know that 2009 is going to be far greater than I could have ever imagined it to be!
Thank you all, once again, for all your support, encouragement, advice, and love. I am so lucky to have you all in my life. I thank God for you. I thank God for fresh starts, new beginnings, clean slates, mercy and grace everlasting. I even thank Him for the refining process.

I will see you back here, next year!

Love Always,
kali

maybe its the fumes from cleaning products...

I should be in bed, but I stayed up late to watch sex in the city. I love all things New York City. I also love sisterhood. Some women have best friends, friends they have known since fourth grade, and I envy that. Honestly, I stink at intimate relationships with women. That's something I have been praying about.

My hands hurt from cleaning all day. I still have more to do. But it feels good to get some things accomplished, and to see things come together. I will be at it again tomorrow!

One of my all time favorite books is Captivating by John and Stacie (Stasi?) Eldridge. Anyway, it talks about the desires at the core of every woman, and one of those is to play a role in a grand adventure. Lately I have been wanting adventure, but the fun kind. I'm thinking I need to take a vacation! I used to go on one every year with my mom, she would let me tag along on her business trips. My all time favorite Christmas gift was a trip with my mom. No business, all fun. She took me to NYC and all we had to do was be together! It was amazing. I wouldn't have wanted to experience the city with anyone else. The Christmas displays were magical, all the store windows were works of art. It was cold, but not too cold, and we walked all over the place. It felt like we stuck out like a sore thumb, country girls in the big city. But you know, I think I could be a big city girl too. Maybe I'm a little of both- depending on the day.

That is what can be hard, having a baby while still so young. There are parts of yourself you have to learn about, things to discover, and having a baby doesn't speed that up. Instead, you are raising a little one and simultaneously figuring out who you are. I have moments when I wonder what it would be like to just take off and go...travel, experience, see and do. I think all mothers, no matter the age, wonder of that from time to time. I like being reminded that there is a whole big world out there, just waiting to be discovered. And even if it is just once a year with my mom, I get the chance to travel, experience, see and do.

So here's to future getaways, adventures, and sisterhood- all of which I can't wait to experience!

decking the halls!!!!

Christmas is fast approaching, and I do not have all my gifts purchased, and none of them wrapped! I know, its horrible!!!

Yesterday, my friend Brin posted about this quick, easy, inexpensive gift idea:

Brilliant! A no-knit scarf! I think its beautiful. If you go to Brin's blog (my absolute favorite blog in the whole wide world :o) you will find a link to Martha's instructions on how to make this pretty! Yesterday I made a trip to a locally owned yarn store Twist, bought a pretty bundle of dark grey yarn. I made two of these scarves while watching 48 hours mystery, so they really are a quick and easy project!

Folks, if you have a Hobby Lobby nearby- GO! I went to mine yesterday and everything that wasn't craft related (decor, mirrors, Christmas decorations, ornaments, frames, etc) was 50% off!!! I have been wanting some neutral stockings for my mantle, but I hadn't really find any at a good price. I found four stockings at half of, only $4.50 a piece! They had these big flashy sequins on them, so those had to come off. I tried to take a picture with my phone, very poor quality so I apologize, but you can see the before and after:

The one on the left still has its big gold sequins, I much prefer the simple quilted stocking on the right! I will have to take a picture of my mantle...

I am staying in all day. I have been cleaning and re-arranging and throwing out and Christmasing. I even ordered a pizza, not even for food will I leave this warm home on this bitter cold day. Charlie doesn't seem to mind. We'll be dancing to some Christmas music while I hurry about feathering this nest- a cup of peppermint mocha flavored coffee to drink. Tomorrow I will have to brave the cold and the procrastinators while I round up the last of my gifts. But today, today is for staying warm and enjoying home.

I hope you all are staying warm, and enjoying home.

tis better to give then to receive!!!

If santa still delivered presents to us big kids, these are the things I would ask him for! Its funny how, when someone asks what you want or need for Christmas you can never think of anything, but you sit down at the computer to do a little shopping and all kinds of things come to mind...

Here are a few items on my ever growing wish list. :o) Its just fun to imagine! (My mom is usually the only one who buys me anything for Christmas, and she really shouldn't- she does so much for me throughout the year.)

the complete series of gilmore girls! a great show for single mothers everywhere! several books, here are a few on my wish list:



i have wanted one of these bikes for a long time, can't decide if i want to go vintage or new...but it has to have a bell, white walls (or pink :o), high handle bars...

and of course, one of these on the front:
i recently smelled this perfume, of course they were out. but i loved it and i think santa might leave it in my stocking.

and then there is always one of my true loves, ANTHROPOLOGIE! the closest one is in kc, so i rarely get to go... and honestly the prices are way to high for me, but for the sake of dreaming...

i love love love this blue green dress!!
i have wanted a kitchen aid mixer for years! maybe i will pull a carrie, and register for "i'm single and not getting married!" gifts...(this one has the perfect amount of pink, and a portion of the proceeds go to breast cancer research)

and I will be needing some of these, because i'm going to take a weight lifting class, and maybe a cardio class, from my college in the spring. it is time my friends. it is time to start taking care of myself, and feeling healthy again!

it is fun to dream!

to everything there is a season...

I'm sorry its been so long! Life has been a little crazy. Always crazy...

I have been blogging for nearly a year now, and with the end of 2008 drawing near, I have come to a realization. 2008 has been the hardest year of my life. My mom actually pointed it out, while also pointing out my strength during this time.

1. February 1st: I lost my job of seven years just three weeks before Charlie was born. No severance pay. Just a department elimination. Unfortunately, Kansas unemployment doesn't exactly offer maternity leave. :o)

2. I had to come to terms with the reality that I was not in a healthy relationship. This is still an ongoing process, which has peppered the year with struggle and pain that was never really necessary.

3. I began very intensive therapy which was...very hard. Good therapy will never be easy. If it is, it isn't working. :o)

4. I made the choice to go back to school, which would turn out to be probably the worst possible time. :o)

5. I had to do the very grown up thing of having an adult conversation with my dad...about how I knew he wasn't my biological father. To date, the hardest conversation I have ever had. Lots of feelings attached to that truth, but for the first time ever in my life, my dad and I began an honest relationship.

6. I forced myself to accept that my father was dying. (my biological one) For the first time, I experienced true forgiveness. I forgave as I think God asks us to, but I drug my feet the whole way. During his final days, I held his hand, I read scripture to him, I even sang. I shed tears of a daughter losing her father. As he had stomach cancer and was unable to eat, he essentially had to starve to death. This is a very painful process, which can take weeks- especially when the rest of the body is so healthy. For the first time, I begged for heaven. Something about heaven made sense in my mind. He finally got to go this last October. May he rest in peace...

7. I trudged through the semester. Is that a word- trudged? I can't be sure. I finished strong!

8. In all my years being on my own, financially this has been by far the most difficult.

9. Most recently, Austin is undergoing inpatient treatment for addiction to opiates. I did not know what was going on, although now so many things make sense.

10. I have discovered my own burning desire to create the life I want, for myself and my daughters. I have discovered that I really want to parent with intention. I have adopted an "addition-subtraction" policy. (If you add to our lives, you are welcome. If you take away, then you just can't be a part of our picture.) I have started to finish things. I have discovered that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I have discovered that I am passionate about helping people- for the longest time I couldn't figure out what I was passionate about, if anything. I have watched as my firstborn learned to write her name all by herself. I have felt empty, and yet found more to give. I have found contentment in being a single mother. I have come face to face with my faults and shortcomings, and I am learning to accept and change what I can. Most importantly, I have been forced to run to God- let go, surrender, trust, believe, grow, and love. He and I have something special.

For the first time, I have started to believe that there really are no limitations. (thanks, dad :o)

My world is growing. My dreams and passions are growing. My daughters are growing. My faith is growing. My relationship with God is growing. Gone are the stagnant days of pain and struggle. This is a time for growth. I can't be sure how I arrived here, or that I could have without all the difficulty this year has held. But I praise God for the pain and struggle. Strangely enough, it was like the fast-track to getting to where I needed to be so that I could start changing the world. So that I could begin to live. So that I could start to become the woman that God had in mind, before I was even conceived. So that I could raise two daughters who will change the world. And they will.

2009 is going to be beautifully remarkable!

We three are wishing you all a very lovely, blessed holiday season. Thank you for being a friend, for helping me through a very tough year. Thank you for all the prayers, encouragement and support. I couldn't have arrived here without you.

with love,

Kali

my kid is eating part of a coupon. my first "real boyfriend" who was not really a real boyfriend texted me out of the blue. the only room i have decorated for Christmas is Brooklyn's, and I am supposed to go to class tonight, but the thought of the possibility of staying home, by myself, is very appealing. it has been a strange day, or week for that matter.

yesterday, at a most unusual place and time, a wide eyed man named Kenny walked up to me and said, "I know what you're like."

having never met nor seen this man before, I was wondering what the correct response would be. apparently, he knew me, or of me, or must have heard about me. "Do you?" I replied...

"Yep. You focus on everyone else but not yourself. You worry about everyone but not about you."

strangely accurate.

like I said, it has been a strange week.

one of the worst people of my childhood (who i believe is not allowed in the state of Kansas) mysteriously called my mom's work phone to find out how to leave me his 401k. it has been years and years. i like to pretend he is dead. so you can imagine how it felt to hear about this phone call. how did he get her number? its eery. he can take his 401k and...

i have been considering relocating. both my blog and the state in which i live.

its definitely been a strange week.