to everything there is a season...

I'm sorry its been so long! Life has been a little crazy. Always crazy...

I have been blogging for nearly a year now, and with the end of 2008 drawing near, I have come to a realization. 2008 has been the hardest year of my life. My mom actually pointed it out, while also pointing out my strength during this time.

1. February 1st: I lost my job of seven years just three weeks before Charlie was born. No severance pay. Just a department elimination. Unfortunately, Kansas unemployment doesn't exactly offer maternity leave. :o)

2. I had to come to terms with the reality that I was not in a healthy relationship. This is still an ongoing process, which has peppered the year with struggle and pain that was never really necessary.

3. I began very intensive therapy which was...very hard. Good therapy will never be easy. If it is, it isn't working. :o)

4. I made the choice to go back to school, which would turn out to be probably the worst possible time. :o)

5. I had to do the very grown up thing of having an adult conversation with my dad...about how I knew he wasn't my biological father. To date, the hardest conversation I have ever had. Lots of feelings attached to that truth, but for the first time ever in my life, my dad and I began an honest relationship.

6. I forced myself to accept that my father was dying. (my biological one) For the first time, I experienced true forgiveness. I forgave as I think God asks us to, but I drug my feet the whole way. During his final days, I held his hand, I read scripture to him, I even sang. I shed tears of a daughter losing her father. As he had stomach cancer and was unable to eat, he essentially had to starve to death. This is a very painful process, which can take weeks- especially when the rest of the body is so healthy. For the first time, I begged for heaven. Something about heaven made sense in my mind. He finally got to go this last October. May he rest in peace...

7. I trudged through the semester. Is that a word- trudged? I can't be sure. I finished strong!

8. In all my years being on my own, financially this has been by far the most difficult.

9. Most recently, Austin is undergoing inpatient treatment for addiction to opiates. I did not know what was going on, although now so many things make sense.

10. I have discovered my own burning desire to create the life I want, for myself and my daughters. I have discovered that I really want to parent with intention. I have adopted an "addition-subtraction" policy. (If you add to our lives, you are welcome. If you take away, then you just can't be a part of our picture.) I have started to finish things. I have discovered that I am much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I have discovered that I am passionate about helping people- for the longest time I couldn't figure out what I was passionate about, if anything. I have watched as my firstborn learned to write her name all by herself. I have felt empty, and yet found more to give. I have found contentment in being a single mother. I have come face to face with my faults and shortcomings, and I am learning to accept and change what I can. Most importantly, I have been forced to run to God- let go, surrender, trust, believe, grow, and love. He and I have something special.

For the first time, I have started to believe that there really are no limitations. (thanks, dad :o)

My world is growing. My dreams and passions are growing. My daughters are growing. My faith is growing. My relationship with God is growing. Gone are the stagnant days of pain and struggle. This is a time for growth. I can't be sure how I arrived here, or that I could have without all the difficulty this year has held. But I praise God for the pain and struggle. Strangely enough, it was like the fast-track to getting to where I needed to be so that I could start changing the world. So that I could begin to live. So that I could start to become the woman that God had in mind, before I was even conceived. So that I could raise two daughters who will change the world. And they will.

2009 is going to be beautifully remarkable!

We three are wishing you all a very lovely, blessed holiday season. Thank you for being a friend, for helping me through a very tough year. Thank you for all the prayers, encouragement and support. I couldn't have arrived here without you.

with love,

Kali