One of the desires of my heart.....:o)

oh to be alive!!!

So I have been throwing a bit of a pitty party the last few days. No doubt everything that has been going on has thrown me for a loop...an excruciating, sad, lonely, painful loop...I had a bit of a reality check today.

I have this friend, who is my friend although she has never spoken to me nor met me. She blogs. I am enthralled by her life. She has this incredible old fixer upper somewhere in Texas. She gardens and knits and cooks and works on her home. She's young and intelligent. She left the corporate world for a more simple, small town life. I must say, I admire her. She comes up with these recipes, and its a feat for me to follow one close enough to have a *similar* finished product. She plants a garden. Every year I say I am going to plant a garden...never have. She tackles the projects her old home throws at her, and the end result is always incredible. I dream of restoring an old farmhouse, but louder than my dreams is that voice saying, "How in the world are you going to do something like that? Single mother and all..."

SHE LIVES!!!!!

This lady lives life...the life...that I dream of. She inspires me. Its amazing how much living I don't do, because of fear. And reading her blog is experiencing the life of a beautiful, fearless woman. And with her latest blog entry, she shared that she does have a fear- a breast cancer scare. Kinda puts things in perspective.

The best thing that I can say I have done with my life thus far, is having Brooklyn. I can't imagine what Charlotte will bring to this world. I love my daughters so much, and I only fall more in love with them every day. Outside of them, I can't think of much I have done that really truly matters. I want to live. I want to matter. I want to live fiercely instead of fearfully. And my friend, my friend who does not have breast cancer (praise God!), has helped me see that I can.

To me, living isn't the sum of ones accomplishments, or the grand places one has been, or the adventure or romance or story of ones life. Living is discovering the desires of ones heart, and fearlessly pursuing them. I believe that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I can't help but think that He puts them there, hoping we have the hope, faith, and love to go for them. Why else would He tell us that with Him, all things are possible?

Alright, I am done with the pitty party. I am alive. I am healthy and pregnant, I have everything I need and a little of what I want. I have an incredibly amazing daughter, and another on the way. I am so blessed. The most exciting part, is knowing that its not to late to live.

In the mean time, I will be praying for my friend. You could too, if you don't mind. My prayer for you, is that you get to experience the deepest desires of your heart- that your life is full of moments where you feel completely alive.

Psalm 37:4 (New International Version)

4 Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

anger & faith

I think I am okay. I mean, I know things could be so much worse. I know that I have been so blessed and that God must love me, to give me my girls. Last night, while talking with my mom, I just fell apart crying...but not a sad cry...no, it was an angry cry. Its that rare cry, that only happens when you are so angry that that is all you can do. I felt angry about losing my job, especially at a time like this. I felt angry because of the situation with Austin. I felt angry that everything I have dreamt of for my girls just seemed that much farther away. I felt angry at God for the things that happened to me when I was just a little girl, that would forever change the course of my future. I felt angry for the things I can't control. I don't like all these things happening to me. The whole idea that we go through hard times and adversity and pain so that we can use it for good for God, just felt worn out to me. I just kept saying, "I don' t understand the meaning in all of this. I don't understand what God is trying to teach me."

But somehow I know, that many times along the road, I was given the choice to choose my will or God's. I know that I have made choices motivated by fear, insecurity, love, pain and selfish desires. I can't think of many times where I was deciding to live purely for the will of God. At times living for God can seem so hard, a demanding and challenging road with little reward. But the truth is, it is the only real living there is. At least, for me.

I know that with losing my job comes the promise of bigger, better things in store. I know that one day I will look back and be grateful for the door having been closed. I know that God brings all things together for good. So I know that whatever happens in my relationship with Austin, ultimately good will prevail. If I stay true to what I know is right, and I keep loving and praying, than I have done all that I can. And I know that one day I will make a difference. I will do something that matters, and lives will be changed because of my experiences- the ones that make me feel so angry I cry.

I don't like my situation right now. Its uncomfortable and lonely and frightening. I can't believe that my "home" now consists of a corner of my grandma's basement and a couch for a bed. But in this less than ideal state, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am living according to God's will. Doesn't He know that it would be so much easier to be a follower if it were rosy and lovely and ideal and comfortable all the time??? :o)

I am on the right path, and I know it. I am human, and I get angry from time to time. But more than that, I have tremendous faith- and I don't mind walking by faith for a while.

Oh, I am ready for a bath...I have been moving and cleaning and organizing all day! My dad and I set up Brooklyn's bed (in this not so lovely basement) and then I made her bed with all her freshly washed bedding. It smells so good. (compliments of white lilac scented tide :o)

Yesterday was our shopping day. We have a favorite thrift store downtown, where we both always seem to find something. I was so excited to find a Janie and Jack dress for Charlotte for only $6.98! Brooklyn found herself a little purse...which she later gave away.

After lunch and icecream at our favorite downtown restaurant, we went to a consignment store. That is where I found the sweet little outfit on the left. I have been wanting a warm coverall outfit for Charlotte, but didn't want one that would keep her too warm. This is like new, and just thick enough.

Finally, I found this lamp 20% off of clearance price! Brooklyn thinks its pretty neat that she has a lamp by her bed, that she can turn on and off as she likes.

Alright...my feet are swolen, its way too late, and that bath tub is calling my name...

37 weeks & counting...

I am now in my 37th week of pregnancy. I can't believe that her arrival is just weeks away, but I am so excited to hold her! Brooklyn is getting anxious, she keeps asking when Charlotte is going to get here. Yesterday she and I put together her little pack and play (which will be Charlie's temporary bed until we are able to move into our house) and afterward Brooklyn put a little cup of flowers next to her bed. It was so sweet. She is going to be the best big sister!

Its been very cold here. Our house doesn't have any heat, and that has made it very hard to work...but we do have a new heating unit, and hopefully it will be installed in fairly short order. Then here is the list for the girls' room:

1. tape/mud/spackle
2. sand/clean
3.paint Brooklyn's pretty purple
4.paint trim
5.move in/decorate!

I am really excited about the decorating! This last fall, an antique store here in town was getting ready for a move and had marked down lots of inventory. I had been eyeing an oak bed from the 1800's for Brooklyn. Even with its reduced price, it was out of my price range. I went in shortly before the move, and the owner took an additional $75 off the price! I grabbed it up! It is such a pretty old bed, with faint carvings of flowers. I will have to take a picture and post it.

For Charlotte, I found a pottery barn kids crib with the crib mattress, in like new condition at a garage sale. I walked up, fearing the price would be too high or it would already be sold. It was priced at $100! I was thrilled and grabbed it up too. It is a cottage white crib, simple and elegant.

I was on the search for a dresser...it had to be just the right height for a changing table. I found one at a second hand store. It was old, needed some love and paint and new hardware, but for $30 I couldn't pass it up.

I can't wait to fill their room with the pretty things I have found! I wish that it was all ready for Charlotte to come home to. I will be sure to share pictures.

On a side note, I watched Fried Green Tomatoes last night. It is a great movie!

love and blessings,
kali

first order of business: the girls' room

Brookie and I went to Lowes today. (note to self: never endure Lowes on a Sunday :o) We picked out the new carpet for the bedrooms. It feels good to knock out one "to do" at a time. Our new carpet has to be special ordered, and so I have some time to paint the bedrooms. I am a little torn on what color to paint my room. I love soft, muted, almost turquoise blues, but it seems like I am drawn to rooms with white or cream backdrops...so I am not sure...a blue/green or white? Maybe I will paint one accent wall...any suggestions?



I found my dream dining table:





I love this table! I don't have enough room in my little cottage for this table (which seats 10!) but someday, I will have a table like this. With mismatched chairs and beautiful dishes, and family all around!

One room at a time, one room at a time...

pretty purple and pretty packaging!

Brooklyn and I finally made it to Lowes today. She had decided that she wanted a purple room. I showed her lots of pictures and offered up other colors, but she has been insisting on purple. So we went through the paint swatches, and picked out all the prettiest light purples. Then by process of elimination, she picked the color she wanted. She picked a very pretty purple!



On a sidenote, Charlotte's outfit from janie and jack arrived today! Such pretty packaging...and the outfit was originally $56, and I bought it for $9.98!

lovely quote

"In between one place and another, we're vulnerable to the discomfort of our transitory state. If the trip is long or taxing, at odd mile markers our restlessness overrides expectation, or even drifts into despair. When trouble comes we may wonder why we ever embarked at all- or simply stop short of our intended destination, insisting (like the Israelites east of Jordan) that the spot we've settled for is adequate enough, thank you. The best of all journeys may be a hard road to a good place; perhaps fully experiencing the hard, unpredictable road helps us to recognize the good place when we arrive."

(excerpt from the book The Beautiful Ache)

Quaint Cottage Changes

I bought a house back in 2003. We have a sort of love/hate relationship. Given the recent turn of events in my life- it looks like this will be my home...again. How could I describe it...

Its a little two bedroom home built in the 1920's. It has beautiful woodwork and old windows and lots of charm. It is in a great neighborhood, within walking distance to great parks and the river. It is a quaint little cottage, and I will be giving it some much needed attention over the next several months. I have an extensive "to do" list for this little home, and I have to take it one task at a time.

This week:
1. Paint the girls' room - Ralph Lauren's Cowgirl Blue?
2. The gutter guy is installing new guttering on Friday!
3. The carpet guy is coming to prepare an estimate. I am having new carpet installed in the bedrooms. Any suggestions on brand? Type?

I have started a "project notebook" so that I can keep everything organized, and can begin creating vision using all those magazine clippings I have been saving. It will be fun to look back and see all the progess the little house has made. I will be sure to share pictures, and I will greatly appreciate any advice/suggestions!

Happy Tuesday!

sweet pink

I bought a sweet little outfit for Charlie from Janie and Jack. Quilted cardigan and pants- on sale! Pink is a lovely color!

I am trying to savor these last weeks of pregnancy, but I am so anxious to meet my new little lady! Brooklyn is excited too. These last months must seem like an eternity to a four year old.

Speaking of sales...Moms, there are some great bargains at Old Navy and Target right now. I just bought lots of clothes for the girls, and each item was under $5. Most were $2-4. Buy ahead for next fall/winter!

positive perspective

For those of you who read my blog (mom and dad :o) you might have noticed that I removed a couple of entries. I have decided to change my outlook on my current situation, and so I am writing this blog from a better perspective.

Life is tough. We all know it. I think that how we embrace challenge and difficulty speaks volumes about our character. But for me, when things get hard, I just get lost. Lost, scared, and immobile...all growth stops. I am very prone to getting "stuck in a rut" and it isn't long before I am trying to pray my way through my mess. I am ashamed to say, that I pray a lot more when things are falling a part than I do when things are great. But I never lose faith. I never question whether or not God is with me, taking care of me, or in control. I think for God, I am that child that keeps getting in trouble. I am the menace child. Its a good thing that He understands my heart, and loves me unconditionally, because it would be hard to be my Father. Its a good thing that His Grace and Mercies are new every day, because I need both- every single day.

There have been many changes taking place in my life. Initially, I didn't have such a great attitude about them. It took me a while, but I am starting to understand. See, God tells us to ask and we shall receive. Its like when your parents say, "You'll never know if you don't ask." But with God, if you ask, you have to be ready to receive. You have to be ready for anything.

A couple of weeks ago I was praying one of my desperate prayers. Another, "I know I made this mess but could you please clean it up for me?" kind of prayers. (I told you I am the menace child :o) As I was falling asleep, I prayed, "God, if you want me out of this, you are going to have to get me out. I can't do it on my own. If you want change, you are going to have to make it happen, because I am too lost to create it for myself..."

I usually pray until I fall asleep. I slept well that night. And within a couple of weeks, I found out I would be losing my job, and my fiance tells me (a month prior to the birth of our baby) that he isn't happy and we should just go our separate ways. Both occurred on the same day, and that evening I started my first photography class.

Of course I was devastated by what was going on. I have a great job, and I am well paid. I have great benefits. I had worked really hard at my relationship and believed that there was hope. Now how in the world would I make it? I am losing my job. My fiance wants out. I have a four year old daughter and another on the way. What would I do? And then I remembered that prayer...I asked...and I received. See, both situations were completely beyond my control. I have worked for the same company for years- I couldn't have seen a lay off coming. I thought Austin would never walk out on me, especially during this time. I knew we had problems but would have never imagined him breaking it off during my final weeks of pregnancy. I gave up control, and immediately God started stripping away what He has been trying to get me to let go of for quite some time.

I am done being angry or hurt. I am done questioning why the heck all this is happening. In fact, I am starting to see that maybe this change is long overdue, and I feel excited about what is in store. I gave Austin what he asked for. He wanted out, I walked away. It was only a matter of time before he decided that maybe that isn't what he wanted, after all. That was a good week for me, because I am starting to think more about what exactly God wants, and I want...and I am not so sure where that leaves Austin. I am starting to dream again...and it feels so damn good. I was scared to death to give things over to God- I much rather make believe that I am actually in control. But once I let go, it was such a huge weight lifted. And to think, I never had to carry it in the first place...

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"I'm a mess and pregnant pie"

Today, the sun is shining! And I just need to be outdoors... I think lady and I are going to create an adventure.



I watched Waitress last night and it was a really good movie. Makes me wish I knew more about baking pies. So I think I am going to pick my favorite fruit pie, and start on my way to perfecting it. How does one pick her absolute favorite?

you can take the girl out of the country...

I grew up in a small town in Kansas. I haven't been back in quite some time. But lately, my little hometown has been on my mind. Going back is always bittersweet, because time doesn't stand still the minute I drive out of town...things change. I hold dear the memories made there, the piece of heaven (about 50 some acres) that I grew up on, and the beautiful people I grew to know and love. People and places change, but I love the familiar picture of home that lives now only in my memory.

As Brooklyn gets older, and Charlotte's arrival nears, I have been dreaming more and more of what memories of home I want to give them. I must say, I long for small town living. I long for country roads and swimming holes and horses in the pasture. I long for the familiar faces and baseball games and the billions of stars at night. I dream of these memories for them.

I am one of those creatures that definitely needs roots. I am currently living in a beautiful apartment near downtown, right on the river. It has tall ceilings and lots of windows, and its just a short walk to our favorite park. Brooklyn likes our "pardament" and I am trying really hard to make it feel like home...but I can't help but dream of our "someday" home. Lord knows I am trying to be content.

I am going to start a dream board...maybe that will help calm my dreaming spirit.

"You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl."

life is a canvas...

My little girl is quite the artist! Not long after she turned three, she discovered painting. Now she asks to paint all the time. I have to say, I love it. I am trying really hard to encourage her creativity. It surprises me that she can paint for such extended periods of time...nothing else can hold her attention for that long! Once she gets started, we are talking 3 to 4 pictures, at least.

In this picture, notice the crazy morning hair...she woke up wanting to paint. I hope she always loves to paint.

This Wednesday, she and I are starting an art class together. Its at this cute artsy place downtown. We will be creating all kinds of things- weaving, stamping, painting, drawing- and I am very excited. I have officially declared Wednesday "Brooklyn's Day". No cleaning. No working. No watching T.V. or running errands. (see resolution #1) Just a day to spend with the little lady!

Four is a fun age. Well, its all fun. But it is truly amazing to sit back and watch your baby discover things that she loves, thus discovering parts of who she is or will be. It is all pretty special.

There is no art like the art of your very own child. The creations of the person I created...

roads more or less traveled

I am 34 weeks pregnant. And I don't believe that any pregnancy is completely easy, even under the best of circumstances. Throw in a few wild cards, a little drama, baggage, and fear- and you have the recipe for a very turbulent pregnancy. I wish I could look back over this pregnancy without the truth staring me back in the face. But the truth is, this has been a rough road. I read these fairy tale-ish blogs and wonder if I should try to maintain my own fairy tale for the public to read...but I think the truth does people more good.

You know when you are sitting down in that spot, the one that knows your shape... you have invited that bag of chips or that package of cookies to join you. With the best of intentions, you tell yourself how much you will not eat (like, the whole bag/package) and as you dip that last nutter butter in your hot chocolate you wonder where the whole package went? This is sorda a metaphor for my life. I always have good intentions. I think my heart is in the right place. I go into a situation, eyes wide open, knowing what NOT to do. Then I do it anyway. And later, I wonder how I got myself into such a mess, or where those extra three pounds came from. I think what it comes down to is this:

I know what temptation is. I know what it looks, smells, tastes, feels like. I make myself believe that I can snuggle right up to it on the couch, but not fall into it. I convince myself that I am strong enough to be submerged but not affected, that I will walk away untouched and untarnished. But if that were true, then I wouldn't need Jesus. If that were true, I wouldn't be 34 weeks pregnant and trying to hear God through my own destructive mess.

Its funny really, because its by taking the rough roads that I have grown to know and love God more. Its the sin, the fear, the baggage, the pain, that causes me to cling harder. I'm afraid I couldn't really trust with all my heart if it hadn't been for the points in my life that I have been brought to desperation. (Those are the points on the rough road where you can't see past the step in front of you, or you can see, but what lies ahead is scarier than turning back around :o)

Trust and Obey.

Are you kidding me? I do neither consistently. But I am getting better. All I have to do is look at my daughter and I understand. God is always at work. No matter what road we choose, He is always at work. And ultimately, He brings all things together for good. I take comfort in that.

Despite the nutter butters and hot chocolate, I have only gained 14 pounds during this pregnancy. Miraculously, I have managed to create some sort of balance. I have also learned that I can't sit down with the whole package, or I will eat every last one. I am going to enjoy these last 6 weeks of pregnancy. I am going to appreciate this tremendous work that my body is doing. And when Charlotte gets here, I am going to hold her and kiss her all over her little face, thank God for the rough road and start walking towards the easier one. I have been on this road for too long. It has served its purpose...possibly a shortcut to greater intimacy with the One who created me...but its time for a new chapter, a new road.

Thank God for U-turns, forks/bends in the road, and nutter butters in moderation.

a new year, a new beginning

It is 2008, and with this new year, I am starting a new blog. It is one of my resolutions...here are some others:

1. I will devote more time and energy to the parts of my life that matter...Brooklyn, Charlotte, family, God...and less to the parts that don't.

2. I want to become a more joyful person. Joy is so beautiful.

3. I want to become more of the Woman that God wants me to be, that He created me to be.

4. I want to learn more about photography, maybe even create a portfolio.

5. I will become a more organized, efficient, balanced person.

6. And I couldn't escape this one- I will become a healthier individual. (Which does, inevitably, mean losing some of this baby weight! :o)

I am excited about 2008! I think it is going to be magical...

Magical and Lovely.