anger & faith

I think I am okay. I mean, I know things could be so much worse. I know that I have been so blessed and that God must love me, to give me my girls. Last night, while talking with my mom, I just fell apart crying...but not a sad cry...no, it was an angry cry. Its that rare cry, that only happens when you are so angry that that is all you can do. I felt angry about losing my job, especially at a time like this. I felt angry because of the situation with Austin. I felt angry that everything I have dreamt of for my girls just seemed that much farther away. I felt angry at God for the things that happened to me when I was just a little girl, that would forever change the course of my future. I felt angry for the things I can't control. I don't like all these things happening to me. The whole idea that we go through hard times and adversity and pain so that we can use it for good for God, just felt worn out to me. I just kept saying, "I don' t understand the meaning in all of this. I don't understand what God is trying to teach me."

But somehow I know, that many times along the road, I was given the choice to choose my will or God's. I know that I have made choices motivated by fear, insecurity, love, pain and selfish desires. I can't think of many times where I was deciding to live purely for the will of God. At times living for God can seem so hard, a demanding and challenging road with little reward. But the truth is, it is the only real living there is. At least, for me.

I know that with losing my job comes the promise of bigger, better things in store. I know that one day I will look back and be grateful for the door having been closed. I know that God brings all things together for good. So I know that whatever happens in my relationship with Austin, ultimately good will prevail. If I stay true to what I know is right, and I keep loving and praying, than I have done all that I can. And I know that one day I will make a difference. I will do something that matters, and lives will be changed because of my experiences- the ones that make me feel so angry I cry.

I don't like my situation right now. Its uncomfortable and lonely and frightening. I can't believe that my "home" now consists of a corner of my grandma's basement and a couch for a bed. But in this less than ideal state, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am living according to God's will. Doesn't He know that it would be so much easier to be a follower if it were rosy and lovely and ideal and comfortable all the time??? :o)

I am on the right path, and I know it. I am human, and I get angry from time to time. But more than that, I have tremendous faith- and I don't mind walking by faith for a while.