I am 34 weeks pregnant. And I don't believe that any pregnancy is completely easy, even under the best of circumstances. Throw in a few wild cards, a little drama, baggage, and fear- and you have the recipe for a very turbulent pregnancy. I wish I could look back over this pregnancy without the truth staring me back in the face. But the truth is, this has been a rough road. I read these fairy tale-ish blogs and wonder if I should try to maintain my own fairy tale for the public to read...but I think the truth does people more good.
You know when you are sitting down in that spot, the one that knows your shape... you have invited that bag of chips or that package of cookies to join you. With the best of intentions, you tell yourself how much you will not eat (like, the whole bag/package) and as you dip that last nutter butter in your hot chocolate you wonder where the whole package went? This is sorda a metaphor for my life. I always have good intentions. I think my heart is in the right place. I go into a situation, eyes wide open, knowing what NOT to do. Then I do it anyway. And later, I wonder how I got myself into such a mess, or where those extra three pounds came from. I think what it comes down to is this:
I know what temptation is. I know what it looks, smells, tastes, feels like. I make myself believe that I can snuggle right up to it on the couch, but not fall into it. I convince myself that I am strong enough to be submerged but not affected, that I will walk away untouched and untarnished. But if that were true, then I wouldn't need Jesus. If that were true, I wouldn't be 34 weeks pregnant and trying to hear God through my own destructive mess.
Its funny really, because its by taking the rough roads that I have grown to know and love God more. Its the sin, the fear, the baggage, the pain, that causes me to cling harder. I'm afraid I couldn't really trust with all my heart if it hadn't been for the points in my life that I have been brought to desperation. (Those are the points on the rough road where you can't see past the step in front of you, or you can see, but what lies ahead is scarier than turning back around :o)
Trust and Obey.
Are you kidding me? I do neither consistently. But I am getting better. All I have to do is look at my daughter and I understand. God is always at work. No matter what road we choose, He is always at work. And ultimately, He brings all things together for good. I take comfort in that.
Despite the nutter butters and hot chocolate, I have only gained 14 pounds during this pregnancy. Miraculously, I have managed to create some sort of balance. I have also learned that I can't sit down with the whole package, or I will eat every last one. I am going to enjoy these last 6 weeks of pregnancy. I am going to appreciate this tremendous work that my body is doing. And when Charlotte gets here, I am going to hold her and kiss her all over her little face, thank God for the rough road and start walking towards the easier one. I have been on this road for too long. It has served its purpose...possibly a shortcut to greater intimacy with the One who created me...but its time for a new chapter, a new road.
Thank God for U-turns, forks/bends in the road, and nutter butters in moderation.
You know when you are sitting down in that spot, the one that knows your shape... you have invited that bag of chips or that package of cookies to join you. With the best of intentions, you tell yourself how much you will not eat (like, the whole bag/package) and as you dip that last nutter butter in your hot chocolate you wonder where the whole package went? This is sorda a metaphor for my life. I always have good intentions. I think my heart is in the right place. I go into a situation, eyes wide open, knowing what NOT to do. Then I do it anyway. And later, I wonder how I got myself into such a mess, or where those extra three pounds came from. I think what it comes down to is this:
I know what temptation is. I know what it looks, smells, tastes, feels like. I make myself believe that I can snuggle right up to it on the couch, but not fall into it. I convince myself that I am strong enough to be submerged but not affected, that I will walk away untouched and untarnished. But if that were true, then I wouldn't need Jesus. If that were true, I wouldn't be 34 weeks pregnant and trying to hear God through my own destructive mess.
Its funny really, because its by taking the rough roads that I have grown to know and love God more. Its the sin, the fear, the baggage, the pain, that causes me to cling harder. I'm afraid I couldn't really trust with all my heart if it hadn't been for the points in my life that I have been brought to desperation. (Those are the points on the rough road where you can't see past the step in front of you, or you can see, but what lies ahead is scarier than turning back around :o)
Trust and Obey.
Are you kidding me? I do neither consistently. But I am getting better. All I have to do is look at my daughter and I understand. God is always at work. No matter what road we choose, He is always at work. And ultimately, He brings all things together for good. I take comfort in that.
Despite the nutter butters and hot chocolate, I have only gained 14 pounds during this pregnancy. Miraculously, I have managed to create some sort of balance. I have also learned that I can't sit down with the whole package, or I will eat every last one. I am going to enjoy these last 6 weeks of pregnancy. I am going to appreciate this tremendous work that my body is doing. And when Charlotte gets here, I am going to hold her and kiss her all over her little face, thank God for the rough road and start walking towards the easier one. I have been on this road for too long. It has served its purpose...possibly a shortcut to greater intimacy with the One who created me...but its time for a new chapter, a new road.
Thank God for U-turns, forks/bends in the road, and nutter butters in moderation.
1 comment:
It's phenomenal, to me, that at 23, you know about forks and U-turns. At that age, I just thought that it was one straight shot and you had to keep trudging along...even in misery. i was so blinded by the mirages ahead that I thought "trust and obey" meant that God didn't provide the option of choice. After 40, I realized that God treats us lke we're on the Price is Right. We can choose the door we want and must accept what's on the other side. He only hopes that we've studied His word enough to know which one is best for us. He shows us His boundless love for us, every day. Just as you know that you would lay down your life for Brooklyn and Charlotte, trust that He laid down His life for you. Just as you desire their happiness and shine when they smile, so too, does He beam when you smile. His desire is for us to be happy and enjoy ll His gifts. it's like Christmas every day. Just as your heart would break if your babies rejected your gifts, so too, does His heart break when we are dissatisfied with all that He provides. We owe Him our love and our happy gratitude. He will always bring us back to Him and as you are discovering, if He fears He's losing us, He panics. He brings us to Him by "grounding" us. How much better to find Him daily through a close and joyful walk. What a wonderful example for all of our daughters. Choose the fork...and pick the sunny side, lined with flowers and the birds that you so love.
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