positive perspective

For those of you who read my blog (mom and dad :o) you might have noticed that I removed a couple of entries. I have decided to change my outlook on my current situation, and so I am writing this blog from a better perspective.

Life is tough. We all know it. I think that how we embrace challenge and difficulty speaks volumes about our character. But for me, when things get hard, I just get lost. Lost, scared, and immobile...all growth stops. I am very prone to getting "stuck in a rut" and it isn't long before I am trying to pray my way through my mess. I am ashamed to say, that I pray a lot more when things are falling a part than I do when things are great. But I never lose faith. I never question whether or not God is with me, taking care of me, or in control. I think for God, I am that child that keeps getting in trouble. I am the menace child. Its a good thing that He understands my heart, and loves me unconditionally, because it would be hard to be my Father. Its a good thing that His Grace and Mercies are new every day, because I need both- every single day.

There have been many changes taking place in my life. Initially, I didn't have such a great attitude about them. It took me a while, but I am starting to understand. See, God tells us to ask and we shall receive. Its like when your parents say, "You'll never know if you don't ask." But with God, if you ask, you have to be ready to receive. You have to be ready for anything.

A couple of weeks ago I was praying one of my desperate prayers. Another, "I know I made this mess but could you please clean it up for me?" kind of prayers. (I told you I am the menace child :o) As I was falling asleep, I prayed, "God, if you want me out of this, you are going to have to get me out. I can't do it on my own. If you want change, you are going to have to make it happen, because I am too lost to create it for myself..."

I usually pray until I fall asleep. I slept well that night. And within a couple of weeks, I found out I would be losing my job, and my fiance tells me (a month prior to the birth of our baby) that he isn't happy and we should just go our separate ways. Both occurred on the same day, and that evening I started my first photography class.

Of course I was devastated by what was going on. I have a great job, and I am well paid. I have great benefits. I had worked really hard at my relationship and believed that there was hope. Now how in the world would I make it? I am losing my job. My fiance wants out. I have a four year old daughter and another on the way. What would I do? And then I remembered that prayer...I asked...and I received. See, both situations were completely beyond my control. I have worked for the same company for years- I couldn't have seen a lay off coming. I thought Austin would never walk out on me, especially during this time. I knew we had problems but would have never imagined him breaking it off during my final weeks of pregnancy. I gave up control, and immediately God started stripping away what He has been trying to get me to let go of for quite some time.

I am done being angry or hurt. I am done questioning why the heck all this is happening. In fact, I am starting to see that maybe this change is long overdue, and I feel excited about what is in store. I gave Austin what he asked for. He wanted out, I walked away. It was only a matter of time before he decided that maybe that isn't what he wanted, after all. That was a good week for me, because I am starting to think more about what exactly God wants, and I want...and I am not so sure where that leaves Austin. I am starting to dream again...and it feels so damn good. I was scared to death to give things over to God- I much rather make believe that I am actually in control. But once I let go, it was such a huge weight lifted. And to think, I never had to carry it in the first place...

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.