So I have been throwing a bit of a pitty party the last few days. No doubt everything that has been going on has thrown me for a loop...an excruciating, sad, lonely, painful loop...I had a bit of a reality check today.
I have this friend, who is my friend although she has never spoken to me nor met me. She blogs. I am enthralled by her life. She has this incredible old fixer upper somewhere in Texas. She gardens and knits and cooks and works on her home. She's young and intelligent. She left the corporate world for a more simple, small town life. I must say, I admire her. She comes up with these recipes, and its a feat for me to follow one close enough to have a *similar* finished product. She plants a garden. Every year I say I am going to plant a garden...never have. She tackles the projects her old home throws at her, and the end result is always incredible. I dream of restoring an old farmhouse, but louder than my dreams is that voice saying, "How in the world are you going to do something like that? Single mother and all..."
SHE LIVES!!!!!
This lady lives life...the life...that I dream of. She inspires me. Its amazing how much living I don't do, because of fear. And reading her blog is experiencing the life of a beautiful, fearless woman. And with her latest blog entry, she shared that she does have a fear- a breast cancer scare. Kinda puts things in perspective.
The best thing that I can say I have done with my life thus far, is having Brooklyn. I can't imagine what Charlotte will bring to this world. I love my daughters so much, and I only fall more in love with them every day. Outside of them, I can't think of much I have done that really truly matters. I want to live. I want to matter. I want to live fiercely instead of fearfully. And my friend, my friend who does not have breast cancer (praise God!), has helped me see that I can.
To me, living isn't the sum of ones accomplishments, or the grand places one has been, or the adventure or romance or story of ones life. Living is discovering the desires of ones heart, and fearlessly pursuing them. I believe that God gives us the desires of our hearts. I can't help but think that He puts them there, hoping we have the hope, faith, and love to go for them. Why else would He tell us that with Him, all things are possible?
Alright, I am done with the pitty party. I am alive. I am healthy and pregnant, I have everything I need and a little of what I want. I have an incredibly amazing daughter, and another on the way. I am so blessed. The most exciting part, is knowing that its not to late to live.
In the mean time, I will be praying for my friend. You could too, if you don't mind. My prayer for you, is that you get to experience the deepest desires of your heart- that your life is full of moments where you feel completely alive.
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
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