bathroom #1

I have been pretty busy and distracted lately, but my goal for this weekend is to focus on my house. I have been a bit under the weather and I have found it hard to get motivated. I so love all things "home"- gardening, decorating, cooking, creating. If I could just make my visions a reality, this home would be incredible.



Nearly every room of this big house has wallpaper. I. HATE. WALLPAPER!!!!!! Maybe its because it is too much of a commitment for me, or maybe its because it is so restrictive when it comes to decorating. Either way, its a little discouraging. I am going to have to stick to my "one room at a time" way of thinking.



There are two bedrooms (other than the master bedroom) on the first floor. One is a bit smaller than the other. I have a dilemma. Brooklyn wants to share a room with Charlotte. I have reasons why I think that would be ideal, and also reasons why I think separate rooms would be better. I don't know what to do. And until I am sure, I don't want to start on those bedrooms. (any advice would be greatly appreciated!) In order to get motivated, I am starting with the main bathroom. I have already started pulling down the wall paper, so it isn't a true "before" picture. At least you will have an idea of what I am up against.



I can't do everything I would like, but I can definitely make some big changes.

-the light fixture has got to go. I have changed many light fixtures, so this update shouldn't be any big deal.

-the oak cabinet will be painted. You can see drips on the cabinet, that was my great aunt's hair color.

-the knobs/towel bars will be changed out. I am thinking maybe a worn looking finish. I will see what strikes me.

-the counter top and the cabinet mirror are staying, for now. I don't know if you can tell, but the cabinet top is a real light blue. I don't mind this color. The cabinet mirror will be painted as well.

-in the reflection, you can see the shower. I am going to go ahead and get a tension bar, and hang a curtain. I have a couple of really pretty curtains.

Right now I am trying to decide on what colors I will paint the walls and cabinet. I am going to stay pretty neutral, because my tastes change all the time. There is a touch of grey in the floor, so I might pick a color with some warm grey tones to it. I want this bathroom to look very clean, simple, fresh. Maybe blues/greys/pewter...big fluffy towels...multi-hued soaps in a pretty dish...an array of toiletries for guests, arranged on a vintage tray...one of my little white pitchers for fresh flowers...

Can you see my vision?

plans; God's comedy central

Charlie has a cold. Poor baby, her nose is stuffy and sometimes she just looks at me with that, "make it better mom" look. My wedding dress sold, which is a good thing...I suppose.

Yesterday I decided that I needed to get focused. I need to get organized. I need to just get back on track. In an effort to do so, I decided to buy a new planner. I am not ready for all that blackberry stuff. My life has always ran so much smoother from a planner. (and yep, I'm a list person too.) The planner I have I hadn't cracked open in quite some time, it is full of wedding stuff and wedding to do's. Ugh. So with this new leaf, I was in search of a new planner and a new journal. I went to dinner with Emily and we headed to our city's brand new Barnes and Noble. I searched through the fiction, the cooking section, self-help, Christianity, then thought I would head on over to the planner/journal section. Wouldn't you guess what section is right there, snuggling up to the very section I was after? WEDDING PLANNING. Are you kidding me?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?! And all those wretched books were just sitting there, mocking me...in their pretty pastel colors and such. I couldn't help but laugh back at them. Then I thought about ripping them all off the shelves. Then I saw her. This sweet, petite, dewy eyed little lovely lady. She was totally after the wedding planning section. She couldn't help but smile while she browsed. I figured it would be best for her if I left them there, in their order, on the shelves. I made it out of the store with my new planner, new journal, and a cookbook. All the while telling myself, "I am not bitter. I am not bitter. I am not bitter..."

It was late when I got home. I didn't go to sleep. Oh no. I popped open my laptop and my new leaf, new life planner. And I started filling it with all the "single girl" things I was going to do- concerts, poker, girls nights, dance lessons (although I am going to have to find a crazy, willing boy to dance with), picnics with my little girlies. The sting of the wretched wedding planners was fading as I realized that I have a very full, lovely life. I have so many things to look forward to. There is a split lip rayfield concert, fourth of july at the lake, walnut valley bluegrass festival, a good friend's wedding that I have the honor of photographing, a visit to Oregon to learn from this lovely photographer, and finally...the beginning of the fall semester. While I am completely excited about all that I have to write down in my planner, I am equally excited about what will happen on the blank days. What will happen that I haven't planned? What is God planning as He laughs at my dire need for a planner in the first place? Isn't that the saying..."We plan, God laughs."

The planner brings me comfort, it gives me a sense of order. The journal is for all the things I wish I could share on here but would be better to keep private. The cookbook is so that I can get cracking on all those things I can't wait to make...remember this?

Tonight is poker night. That's what new leaf, non-wedding planner has to say. Here's to all the great things that God has in store, planned and unplanned.

country to the core

So I finally struck up the courage and I did it. I went back to my small town for a good friend's wedding. I am not sure what kept me, but I am glad I went back. I stopped along the way to take a picture of the sunset. God and I have a thing with sunsets. From the moment I headed down my old dirt road, I felt right. Everything was just how I remembered it, only better. The sun had just set, and everywhere there was the twinkling of hundreds of fireflies. My heart was just happy. Just as I was thinking of pulling over to talk to Brooklyn about the bugs, she squeals, "Mama, look at all the fireflies!!!!" We stopped and just watched the twinkling. The girl and I are kindred spirits. The older she gets, the more amazed I am at that truth.

We woke up the next morning to go fishin. I LOVE FISHING! I hadn't been in so long. Here is my niece and Brooklyn in the back of the truck...watching out for branches. We were on our way to the hole...
That's my girl. A girl and her pole. She is so much like me, its unbelievable.
Below, on the left is the all time best fisherman in the world. He has also caught the biggest Flathead to be found in the Midwest, shortly after he almost shot a 16 point buck, but before he caught the biggest bass in Kansas...oh, he'll tell you so. That's my brother, who now owns the land that I grew up on. We clash, in a huge way. But he's a whole lot of fun to fish with.

Next to my brother, is country boy Gabe. He's a whole lot of fun to fish with too. He helped Brooklyn hold her first fish. A gentle mannered, home grown, Kansas country boy...you can't help but love him. I am supposed to join him and a group of friends, for a Merle Haggard concert...I am very much looking forward to it! Its really nice how God just brings friends out of the woodwork, when He knows you really need them.

Before the day was over, all of us were soaked head to toe. Kansas summers are hot, so our fishin trip turned into a jump in the creek, lets swim kind of trip. I felt like a kid again. Brooklyn was walking through the water barefoot. I kept trying to get her to put her shoes on, she insisted that she go without...I'm telling ya, the girl is country to the core. We splashed each other, dunked each other, and caught creatures with our bare hands. Gabe even got Brooklyn to touch a crawdad! We had country music blaring from the truck. It was so much fun! Sometimes, when life feels crazy, the best thing a woman can do for herself is get back to her roots. On this day, in these moments, I was authentic. I was me. And the best part was seeing Brooklyn's roots grow.

I laid down with Brooklyn that night to snuggle while she fell asleep. She was exhausted. Before she nodded off...

Brooklyn: Mom, I gotta ask you sumpin.

Me: What do ya need to ask me?

Brooklyn: Well, I was thinkin...(pause, as she is really thinkin)

Me: Yeah...

Brooklyn: I was thinkin maybe we could get a river like Uncle Brett's.

Me: Me too! Did you have fun today?

Brooklyn: Yeah Mama. I like fishin.

We have been home since yesterday, and already she is asking to go back. While we were there we washed her horse, and she rode a little. She fed the chickens and helped my niece with her chores. She swam in the creek and caught frogs and touched fish and went on adventures. She was as happy as I have ever seen her, and I wish that I could give her that kind of life every single day. That is how I grew up. That is how I want her to grow up. (More on these plans in a future post.) Home sick for the country, we went on a country drive today. We used to do this a lot when she was teeny tiny and it was just the two of us. I would head out on the highway. I would pick any dirt road and just turn and drive. I would look at the beautiful country homes, the big old barns, the porches and the trees and the horses grazing, and just dream of a day when I would have that. I would put her in the front seat, turn on the country, and we would just look longingly at the homes we could only dream of. She would squeal with excitement any time she spotted a horse, and talk and talk about having a horsey. I promised her that one day, we would have a home in the country, and she would have her very own horse. I meant it. Today, I just picked a little town not too far, one I had never been to. We turned on the country and drove. Only this time, we had Charlotte in the back seat. It was perfect. It wasn't only me and my little girls, it was me and my best friend. We were silly and singing loudly. We stared out the windows longing for the same things...

Brooklyn: I sure do like all these trees.

Me: I love them.

Brooklyn: I sure do wish we could have a corn field.

Me: (laughing) Me too, babe.

Brooklyn: It sure would be neat if we just had some corn.

The girl was serious. She wants a corn field. The minute we move to the country, we are planting this girl a row of corn. Well, right after we find her a horse.

Another one of her "country to the core" moments:

We were walking with my niece Kyri. Brooklyn sorda slipped on some loose gravel.(this is another way she is just like me, so graceful :o) She hopped right up.

Kyri: Are you okay?

Brooklyn: Yeah, I'm okay. (dusting her hands off)

Me: (smiling) Are you sure? You kinda fell hard there...

Brooklyn: Yeah mom, that's just what cowgirls do.

Kyri and I start laughing.

Brooklyn: And that's how cowgirls just get right up, huh mama?

Me: That's right, Brookie.

My cup runneth over.

for you who are hurting

I have spent so much of my life broken hearted.

Its true. I have spent years of my life in pain...usually hurting for things beyond my control, or for things I can't change, or things that happened to me that won't go away, no matter how badly I hurt for them. I have a feeling that God must be disappointed in my inability to hand my burdens over. He sent His son to die on the cross for me, He carried my cross. And yet I waste so much time and energy dealing with pain, figuring out why, clinging to my baggage. The truth of the matter is, I have lived so long this way that I don't know how to live differently. I have even mastered disguises to hide what is going on beneath the surface. I have prayed at the alter, in tears, asking God to take it from me. Then a year later I realize I have taken it back. I have gone through all the motions, and accomplished very little. Lately, I have been feeling differently. Lately I have felt like I am ready to unload. For quite a while I was feeling down, feeling like I had failed, feeling like I had officially become everything I never wanted to be. I am feeling more sure of myself than ever. I know what I want to be, as a mother. I know who I want to become, as an individual. I am learning that I am the only one in charge of my life. I have to make the right choices to protect and preserve my girls' lives. If I find myself in a place that I don't necessarily like, I have to do something about it. I can do something about it. I am learning that I am stronger than I ever realized. I am also learning that it is okay to lean on those who love you. I see that God created me just as I am, with great purpose for my life. And he doesn't want me to hurt. He doesn't want me to struggle. To Him, I am no failure. I am a prized creation, on the verge of something grand...undergoing the refining process so that I will be ready when my time comes. Anything is possible, and like I have said before, I think God can't wait to pour His blessings upon us.

So for whom this may concern, don't lose faith. Even when you feel so lost, so sad, and in so much pain, don't give up. If you find yourself feeling like you have failed, stop that voice inside. Shut it up. And start thinking of all the incredible possibilities for your life. If you are in pain, and you just need it to stop, pray. Start with praying, and keep praying. Pray while you brush your teeth, or on the way to work. Pray while you are on hold, or in the drive thru. Ask God to ease the pain. He will. Don't turn to what the world has to offer to ease your pain. That is dangerous, and it comes at such a high price. It will ultimately be destructive, and your pain will be tenfold. Never stop believing that this too shall pass, and when it does, you will rise up stronger and better for it. Make smart choices. Surround yourself with people who love you, who will protect you, who build you up and make you a better version of yourself...people who bring God to you when you don't know how to go to God. Buy a good book, and a $4 coffee. Rent a funny movie or get a pedicure. Try going to church. Just sitting in a sanctuary, or a place of worship, can bring peace. At times it will feel like it is all you can do to just get through the day, and that's okay. You will get through that day, and the next, and the one after that. Just don't lose faith, and never stop believing that you were meant to live for so much more.

I love you,

Kali

Brooklyn has been inviting strangers to our house. A nice lady at our favorite taco place struck up a conversation with her. Brooklyn was showing her her newly manicured nails and next thing you know she's asking her if she wants to come over...silly girl. But I think I really like that about her, she is definitely a "more the merrier, anyone and everyone welcome, would you like some coffee" kind of girl. I know at this age I am supposed to be encouraging her not to talk to strangers, but that's just not her personality. I have been trying to figure out how I can tell her that there are some bad people out there, because she doesn't know a stranger and everyone she meets is her friend. She invites them over. Party at Brooklyn's place...

Charlotte is such a good baby. She is so smiley and happy almost all the time. She has discovered that she can make really high pitched sounds, and that is her new way of displaying discontent. Everything makes its way to her mouth, and she loves watching her big sister dance and sing. She is ticklish already, and gives those sorda-kinda kisses. She has a much more soft, quiet spirit, Brooklyn has the bubbly, bursting outward kind of spirit. And they are both so beautiful. I can't get enough of them.

My dad and step-mom are getting married tomorrow. They have been together for years and years, and it will be nice to see them get married. I am going to be taking pictures, and I am excited to see what I can do. Wish me luck!

6. take the girls to our local farmers' market, make a salad from organically grown, kansas farm produce, and explain to Brooklyn what that means
7. sing on a stage, somewhere
8. make a cherry pie, from scratch
9. sew aprons, matching ones, for me and the girls :o)

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. We are off to T-ball practice!

three lists

The Rights of a Relationship:
This is from the YWCA site. I think it's a pretty cool list:
• The right to share equally with your partner in all decisions and responsibilities.
• The right to have friendships with both women and men outside of your relationship.
• The right to express your opinions and have them given the same respect and considerations as those of your partner.
• The right to have and express your sexual needs and desires without feeling guilty, demanding, selfish, or aggressive.
• The right to have your emotional, physical, intellectual, and economic needs be as important as the needs of your partner.
• The right to allow your partner to be responsible for their behavior rather than you being responsible for their behavior.
• The right to seek professional help.
• The right to NEVER be physically attacked, psychologically degraded, or verbally abused by your partner.
• The right to leave the relationship for a short or long time or to end the relationship if abuse occurs.
• The right to not blame yourself if the relationship in which you have invested so much love and effort is ended.

A friend sent me this list. It is indeed a pretty cool list.

Here is another list. Its a list of warning signs that your partner is an abuser.
- He gets too close to you when he's angry, puts a finger in your face, pokes you, pushes you, blocks your way or restrains you.
- He tells you that he is "just trying to make you listen."
- He raises a fist, towers over you, shouts you down, or behaves in any other way that makes you flinch or feel afraid.
- He makes vaguely threatening comments, such as, "You don't want to see me mad"
- He drives recklessly or speeds up when he's angry.
- He punches walls or kicks doors.
- He throws things around, even if they don't hit you.

Speaking of lists, I am starting a whole new kind of "to do" list. I am starting a list of things I want to do during my twenties. Most women who have survived their twenties, look back on them as a tough time, a learning time, a time they needed but wouldn't want to go through again. If they have to be tough (and they have been this far!) then I am going to live them. I am going to have fun discovering who I am. I am going to try things and do things with intention. I am going to be bold and daring and unique. My twenties may be tough, but they will be incredible!

Here are the first five of my list:
1. photograph a wedding
2. go back to school
3. learn to play the guitar
4. go skinny dipping (no boys allowed!)
5. see the counting crows in concert! (they'll be in KC in sept...its a girls night in the making:o)

I think of things to add all the time, so its gonna grow quickly!

Three lists that every woman should have...

tonight a friend told me that he could tell i am a great mother. he has never seen me with my girls, hasn't even met them i don't believe. but just out of the blue he tells me he knows that i am a great mother...he said he could just tell. and it was genuine. maybe the best compliment i have ever received.

i went to church this evening. Mother Kate told me that i looked lovely. lovely was the exact word she used. i smiled, i knew what God was getting at.

i got out with two good girlfriends. we laughed a lot and ate chocolate cake and touched April's pregnant tummy. i loved touching her. there was a little life just on the other side of my hand. we sat at the table and listened to Kit play his sax, and Emma belt young lovers. i had fun.

we made our way outside, there was a beautiful sunset, and a rainbow waiting for me. i knew what God was getting at. given a choice, the rainbow wasn't the miracle i was looking for.

a good friend told me if there was anything i needed to give him a call. so did another friend as i bid he and his girlfriend goodnight. he smiled at me, he said, "i would say i'm sorry, but i'm not."

well i was.

i took third place at dominoes and decided to head home. another good friend stood outside smoking. he gave me a piece of paper with his name and number. he told me to call if i ever needed anything, or if i just wanted to hang out. i smiled. i was thankful for friends, for people who cared.

April told Emily that i was so beautiful. that meant something to me. more than any guy saying so. i want to be beautiful the way God makes me beautiful.

i made my way to my car. a stranger named lori asked for a ride to mcdonalds, then she wanted me to buy her a meal from mcdonalds. she said she was six months pregnant. she wanted a ride home from mcdonalds. she was having a boy. her baby's daddy was supposed to meet her, but never showed up. i took her home. before she got out of my car she asked for money for her baby sitter. had i had any, i might have given her some. i told her i had no cash, and apologized. she got out of my car, without a thank you. took the meal i bought her, and that was that. i made sure she made it to her door...

tonight, at church, the message was for me. "sometimes we have to become completely helpless in order to grow closer to God..."
i hope that is what this is all about...because its killing me. my heart aches all the time. no matter who keeps me company or who shows they care, who invites me out or what natural wonder i see, no matter who finds me beautiful or who i laugh with, no matter the smiles i receive or the people i help...it just aches. My heart just aches.

i made it through today. i hope tomorrow is easier.

goodnight, loved ones.

puppy, pretties, and a playhouse

Here he is! Meet Winston...and his best buddy. He is around five months old. He's a really good puppy. He uses the puppy pads or goes outside. He sleeps with Brooklyn during nap time, lets her dress him up and carry him everywhere! She sure does love him.

I haven't really made it out to any thrift stores or garage sales. Its a shame! I have a feeling that this is a great year for garage sales. I have got to get to some! These are my most recent finds. The item on the far left has a glass cup insert for a candle. It has a really pretty patina. I was excited to find the large milk glass vase. I haven't come across one this big before. I absolutely love the little vintage lamp. It works! And it only cost $1.99! I am going to have to find a sweet little shade for it.

This is part of our new back yard. See the shed with the ivy growing on the side? This is the future playhouse! It needs a few modifications, some flowers for sure, and it will be perfect! There is a pear tree in the far corner, but you can't really see it in this photo. The biggest tree has some perfect branches for a swing!

Here is my sleepy Charlotte. She is so sweet! She is getting so big! She laughs the cutest laugh. Brooklyn is holding her right now, and I overheard her telling Charlotte, "I think your mom is crazy!" From the mouths of babes... :o)

I've got more to share. I have been at war with a wall paper border. (Who invented wall paper, anyway? Why borders? Yuck!) I think the border has nearly won...

Happy Thursday!

Thank goodness for great pedicures, great books, and great friends. My good friend Emily got some girls together for pedicures. If you have never had one, I so strongly encourage you to get one! This was only like my third one, but if I had the extra money I would get one once a month during the summer. A true, no matter what, night or day kind of friend is a rare find. Emily is one of those. I am lucky to have her. She brought me this lovely book:

It is full of great sewing projects. It has been so long since I have sewn, but I would like to start again. Maybe someday I will have some things to offer in my own etsy shop! I have been reading this book:

This book was apparently written for me. At least it is proven to be absolutely perfect for this time of my life. I am finding things to highlight on nearly every page. The book is based on Psalm 23. I am really loving this book. Its about releasing the burdens you were never intended to bear...its incredible. This morning the girls and I sat outside on the deck. Me with my coffee and this book, Brooklyn with her fingernail polish. Then we laid on a blanket under a tree. Charlotte just loves being outside. I wouldn't mind starting every day that way.

I took Brooklyn to the pool this afternoon. She had a blast! My mom even stole away from work to join us poolside. I just love being with my mom. When she allows herself to just be, just relax and stop working, she is so much fun. I am very sunburned. I hope to take Brooklyn and Charlotte once a week.

I am going to have pictures soon...of our new addition, of Brooklyn's first T-ball game, of our new home. I haven't had a lot of time to upload pictures, but I will soon.

take care, friends.

what might have been

Here is my dress. In just over a week it will be someone else's dress. But I love it dearly. It represents so much more than just a brand and a dress. My mom surprised me by paying way too much money for it. I showed it to my would have been mother-in-law, and she said it was incredible...she said it looked like me. It was, and is, the perfect dress for me. I think the reason it is most special, is because my mom wanted me to have the dress that I wanted. I really felt undeserving of all the costs associated with a wedding, and then she went above and beyond to buy me the very dress I wanted. I never put it on. I have thought about it. But I won't. I might not want to take it off! :o) I will miss her. I will never forget.

In addition to selling my beloved wedding dress, my wedding band arrived yesterday. I know. Timing is everything. I have been wearing it. I think I will keep it. I haven't decided what it will represent now, but it will have a special meaning. Maybe a promise ring to myself- to God. Right now all I see when I look at it is what might have been...

I know I said I would stick to home stuff. But where can you be honest if not on your blog? Honestly, my heart aches in ways I didn't know it could. From time to time, I feel completely hopeless. I don't really know what to do. But I look at my girls, and things start to make sense. They smile at me, or we all snuggle together in bed at nap time, or we dance to the radio, and I have little moments when I forget how much I am hurting. And I remember what this life is really all about.

The upside, if there is one, about an unengagement dress selling: My mom wants to take the money from the dress and send me here...to Learnfest...a three day photography seminar, on an island of North Carolina. The photographers that will be teaching/presenting are absolutely amazing. Amazing isn't even a strong enough word. They are just so talented. Their photographs are so powerful. I am praying for this trip. I am praying about everything lately. But this would be such an incredible opportunity to learn...in my own little cottage...on the water...no cars allowed...by myself...just me and my camera, and other photographers to learn with and from.

I am going back to school in the fall. I am very excited! I have tried to go back a few times, but haven't been able to balance work/school/being a mom. Now that I am jobless, I think this is the perfect time to go back. Its time to focus and work hard. All I have to do is think about giving my girls a better life, and I feel ready. My mom was 27 when she went back to school. And she waited tables full time. I am so proud of her story, how determined she was and how hard she worked. It makes me believe in myself more. I hope one day my daughters are as proud of me.

I am so thankful.

Today I am just thankful to be alive. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for a roof over my head. I am thankful for two healthy girls. They say, that when things are really really hard, to count your blessings. I am so blessed.