what might have been

Here is my dress. In just over a week it will be someone else's dress. But I love it dearly. It represents so much more than just a brand and a dress. My mom surprised me by paying way too much money for it. I showed it to my would have been mother-in-law, and she said it was incredible...she said it looked like me. It was, and is, the perfect dress for me. I think the reason it is most special, is because my mom wanted me to have the dress that I wanted. I really felt undeserving of all the costs associated with a wedding, and then she went above and beyond to buy me the very dress I wanted. I never put it on. I have thought about it. But I won't. I might not want to take it off! :o) I will miss her. I will never forget.

In addition to selling my beloved wedding dress, my wedding band arrived yesterday. I know. Timing is everything. I have been wearing it. I think I will keep it. I haven't decided what it will represent now, but it will have a special meaning. Maybe a promise ring to myself- to God. Right now all I see when I look at it is what might have been...

I know I said I would stick to home stuff. But where can you be honest if not on your blog? Honestly, my heart aches in ways I didn't know it could. From time to time, I feel completely hopeless. I don't really know what to do. But I look at my girls, and things start to make sense. They smile at me, or we all snuggle together in bed at nap time, or we dance to the radio, and I have little moments when I forget how much I am hurting. And I remember what this life is really all about.

The upside, if there is one, about an unengagement dress selling: My mom wants to take the money from the dress and send me here...to Learnfest...a three day photography seminar, on an island of North Carolina. The photographers that will be teaching/presenting are absolutely amazing. Amazing isn't even a strong enough word. They are just so talented. Their photographs are so powerful. I am praying for this trip. I am praying about everything lately. But this would be such an incredible opportunity to learn...in my own little cottage...on the water...no cars allowed...by myself...just me and my camera, and other photographers to learn with and from.

I am going back to school in the fall. I am very excited! I have tried to go back a few times, but haven't been able to balance work/school/being a mom. Now that I am jobless, I think this is the perfect time to go back. Its time to focus and work hard. All I have to do is think about giving my girls a better life, and I feel ready. My mom was 27 when she went back to school. And she waited tables full time. I am so proud of her story, how determined she was and how hard she worked. It makes me believe in myself more. I hope one day my daughters are as proud of me.

I am so thankful.

Today I am just thankful to be alive. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for a roof over my head. I am thankful for two healthy girls. They say, that when things are really really hard, to count your blessings. I am so blessed.