tonight a friend told me that he could tell i am a great mother. he has never seen me with my girls, hasn't even met them i don't believe. but just out of the blue he tells me he knows that i am a great mother...he said he could just tell. and it was genuine. maybe the best compliment i have ever received.

i went to church this evening. Mother Kate told me that i looked lovely. lovely was the exact word she used. i smiled, i knew what God was getting at.

i got out with two good girlfriends. we laughed a lot and ate chocolate cake and touched April's pregnant tummy. i loved touching her. there was a little life just on the other side of my hand. we sat at the table and listened to Kit play his sax, and Emma belt young lovers. i had fun.

we made our way outside, there was a beautiful sunset, and a rainbow waiting for me. i knew what God was getting at. given a choice, the rainbow wasn't the miracle i was looking for.

a good friend told me if there was anything i needed to give him a call. so did another friend as i bid he and his girlfriend goodnight. he smiled at me, he said, "i would say i'm sorry, but i'm not."

well i was.

i took third place at dominoes and decided to head home. another good friend stood outside smoking. he gave me a piece of paper with his name and number. he told me to call if i ever needed anything, or if i just wanted to hang out. i smiled. i was thankful for friends, for people who cared.

April told Emily that i was so beautiful. that meant something to me. more than any guy saying so. i want to be beautiful the way God makes me beautiful.

i made my way to my car. a stranger named lori asked for a ride to mcdonalds, then she wanted me to buy her a meal from mcdonalds. she said she was six months pregnant. she wanted a ride home from mcdonalds. she was having a boy. her baby's daddy was supposed to meet her, but never showed up. i took her home. before she got out of my car she asked for money for her baby sitter. had i had any, i might have given her some. i told her i had no cash, and apologized. she got out of my car, without a thank you. took the meal i bought her, and that was that. i made sure she made it to her door...

tonight, at church, the message was for me. "sometimes we have to become completely helpless in order to grow closer to God..."
i hope that is what this is all about...because its killing me. my heart aches all the time. no matter who keeps me company or who shows they care, who invites me out or what natural wonder i see, no matter who finds me beautiful or who i laugh with, no matter the smiles i receive or the people i help...it just aches. My heart just aches.

i made it through today. i hope tomorrow is easier.

goodnight, loved ones.