for you who are hurting

I have spent so much of my life broken hearted.

Its true. I have spent years of my life in pain...usually hurting for things beyond my control, or for things I can't change, or things that happened to me that won't go away, no matter how badly I hurt for them. I have a feeling that God must be disappointed in my inability to hand my burdens over. He sent His son to die on the cross for me, He carried my cross. And yet I waste so much time and energy dealing with pain, figuring out why, clinging to my baggage. The truth of the matter is, I have lived so long this way that I don't know how to live differently. I have even mastered disguises to hide what is going on beneath the surface. I have prayed at the alter, in tears, asking God to take it from me. Then a year later I realize I have taken it back. I have gone through all the motions, and accomplished very little. Lately, I have been feeling differently. Lately I have felt like I am ready to unload. For quite a while I was feeling down, feeling like I had failed, feeling like I had officially become everything I never wanted to be. I am feeling more sure of myself than ever. I know what I want to be, as a mother. I know who I want to become, as an individual. I am learning that I am the only one in charge of my life. I have to make the right choices to protect and preserve my girls' lives. If I find myself in a place that I don't necessarily like, I have to do something about it. I can do something about it. I am learning that I am stronger than I ever realized. I am also learning that it is okay to lean on those who love you. I see that God created me just as I am, with great purpose for my life. And he doesn't want me to hurt. He doesn't want me to struggle. To Him, I am no failure. I am a prized creation, on the verge of something grand...undergoing the refining process so that I will be ready when my time comes. Anything is possible, and like I have said before, I think God can't wait to pour His blessings upon us.

So for whom this may concern, don't lose faith. Even when you feel so lost, so sad, and in so much pain, don't give up. If you find yourself feeling like you have failed, stop that voice inside. Shut it up. And start thinking of all the incredible possibilities for your life. If you are in pain, and you just need it to stop, pray. Start with praying, and keep praying. Pray while you brush your teeth, or on the way to work. Pray while you are on hold, or in the drive thru. Ask God to ease the pain. He will. Don't turn to what the world has to offer to ease your pain. That is dangerous, and it comes at such a high price. It will ultimately be destructive, and your pain will be tenfold. Never stop believing that this too shall pass, and when it does, you will rise up stronger and better for it. Make smart choices. Surround yourself with people who love you, who will protect you, who build you up and make you a better version of yourself...people who bring God to you when you don't know how to go to God. Buy a good book, and a $4 coffee. Rent a funny movie or get a pedicure. Try going to church. Just sitting in a sanctuary, or a place of worship, can bring peace. At times it will feel like it is all you can do to just get through the day, and that's okay. You will get through that day, and the next, and the one after that. Just don't lose faith, and never stop believing that you were meant to live for so much more.

I love you,

Kali